Delusive Hopes

[Amylian]

Hey,



"Delusive Hopes"
By
Ali Makki aka Amylian



A compensation of dignity stalled
In the defenses of prematurity
And slithered in connection to his life.
Innocent he was, yet, too ignorant to walk unharmed,
Too early for him to travel far away
To assemble with destiny.
Unfortunate young man:
Thy delusive hopes must be oppressed,
A little.


Regards,
Ali Makki aka Amylian

[hillwalker]

Ok, firstly I couldn't help but cringe when I saw you sneak in that little word 'Thy' at the beginning of line 8. And don't dare go blaming Blake this time.

As for the poem itself it left me scratching my head at a number of points.

Is it a 'compensation of dignity'or 'for dignity' you intended to say?
The use of 'slithered' in line 3 - a strange choice of verb
'assemble with destiny' - 'assemble' suggests meeting with another group - perhaps 'meet' or 'meet up' would fit in better

I'm assuming this poem is meant to be a warning to over-ambitious youth - trying to run before walking.
And that tongue-in-cheek last line is quite neat.

However, I do feel this poem lacks the flow of your previous works because of the rather precise vocabulary - too many multi-syllabic words in the opening two lines to grab the reader's attantion if I'm honest.

Keep at it though - this is just me having a bad day and being ultra-critical.

H