Broken Lullaby

[Hilary_Davis]

(So this is my first post on this website. This is an original poem I wrote a few months ago. I want criticism so BE HARSH! I can take it, I promise ;) )

[Broken Lullaby]
Jealous glares and whispered threats
Broken promises and blind regrets
Hollow heartbreaks, greedy lies
All make up this broken lullaby

Forced apologies, hopeless tears
Desperate choices, hidden fears
Sorrow, pain and last goodbyes
All make up this broken lullaby

Secrets, terror, forbidden love
Walking away and giving up
Smothered screams and guilty nights
All make up this broken lullaby

Fading friendships, cold betrayal
Worn out hearts so small and frail
Fake opportunities, pointless fights
All make up this broken lullaby

Naïve mistakes and ignorance
Second choices and what if’s
Nightmares, sweating and silent cries
All make up this broken lullaby

Shattered hope, rising doubts
The one thing you can’t live without
Sick obsessions, wasted time
All make up this broken lullaby

Hunger, passion, burning lust
Sleepless nights, losing trust
Danger, longing, your alibi
All make up this broken lullaby

Drama, death, looking for the sun
Reaching out for one last touch
Hate and vanity, a painted on smile
All make up this broken lullaby

Realization, acceptance and time
Stepping out into the light
Breathing, finding the meaning of life
All make up this broken lullaby

Life is hard, life’s not fair
But in the end, life’s always there
So sing your broken lullaby
But next time, read between the lines

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's possible you've provided one or two stanzas too many, as we soon become aware of the pattern, but I love the natural elegance of this and the effect of breaking the pattern in the final line.

And "Broken lullaby" is a most effective image.

[blank|verse]

Well, I don't think there's much to be 'harsh' about, Hilary; it's a perfectly good poem, you've clearly got a good idea of what you want to achieve and how to go about it.

For the most part, the rhymed couplets work well without any of the rhymes being forced or feeling unnatural, which is a strength.

Personally, like PrinceMyshkin, I found it a bit long - most stanzas seem to be variations on the same theme, so get a bit repetitive by saying the same thing. You could perhaps improve this by getting more particular rather than continuing to deal with abstract emotions. There's almost too much here, and I think it loses some emotional punch because of it.

One thing I felt could do with being improved is the refrain - the final, repeated line of each stanza. It's so important to get this right if you're expecting the reader to read it repeatedly. As it stands, it doesn't resolve neatly and rhythmically enough. I suppose it should work a bit like a chorus in a song - you want it to sing out more than the other lines. Perhaps something like:

this song, this broken lullaby
I think that's what you need rhythmically at least, a three-stress line.

Where I disagree with Prince is that I found the last stanza, and particularly the last line a bit too direct, didactic and prosey.

But as I said, it's a good piece of writing. Keep it up!

[hillwalker]

I'm in part agreement with the above posters - there is indeed some repetition.
And I have to admit I found verse 8 out of place because it breaks up the sequence with its stumbling metre and loss of rhyme. Perhaps this verse could be removed without causing too much damage. But the remainder deserve to survive.

As for the final-line refrain I would suggest a far more radical rethink - why not

All make up this lullaby ?

It maintains the rhythm of each verse - and is a counterpoint to the title which explains what you are really getting at.

Then that final couplet at the end of verse 10 - where you finally refer to it as broken - I would reverse the order of these 2 lines and put in a few minor adjustments rather than making wholesale changes.

Next time, read between the lines
as you sing your broken lullaby

Just a few thoughts - everybody will have their opinions and suggestions but at the end it's still yours to do with what you will.

Very enjoyable and in no way deserving of any harsh words.

Good stuff, H

[Hilary_Davis]

Thanks to everyone for your comments! They are all greatly appreciated =) I have to say, Hillwalker, your advice was the most helpful, but I'll be sure to keep everyone's thoughts in mind when I rewrite it. Oh, and by the way, when I said 'harsh' I meant don't hold back. I knew the poem had a few flaws that I myself couldn't recognize and I wouldn't be defensive or touchy if you were to point them out. I'm glad you all enjoyed it and took out the time to read my poem =)

[Beautifull]

Beautifull, really. Rflects all of life's hardships, and at the end...the glimmering hope! I like a lot.

[MorpheusSandman]

I would also echo the general criticism above. I think the piece's biggest problem is that it's all assembled in abstract pieces and each stanza reads like a list. While we can certainly connect them to basic things we experience in life, there's really nothing to tie them down to something tangible and real in the piece. While you generally can't sustain a narrative in short poems (It CAN be done, but it's rare) it's often helpful to produce a character to identify with, even if it's just the speaker, to act as a guide through the feelings, emotions, and "events" you want to list.

I also think this poem shows a remarkably good control of meter and couplets. I'm not sure what your level of knowledge is with poetic meter, but you sustain it well here. There ARE some hiccups here and there, like hill said, the refrain is odd since it's in pentameter compared to the rest of the piece's tetrameter. You have to watch out for lines like "Broken promises and blind regrets" or "Fake opportunities, pointless fights" or "Drama, death, looking for the sun" since they stretch the meter with extra unstressed and stressed feet. For instance, the last could be scanned: /-//-/-/ so it could be read as pentameter that breaks up the pieces tetrameter rhythm. That central spondee - "death" and "look"-part of looking - feels really out of place. The first has three straight weak syllables between "promises and" which often reads as an awkward and missed beat. Other than that you sustain it quite well. But these are things to work on and think about.

May I ask what your avatar is from? It looks kinda familiar.