Across the Sky

[BienvenuJDC]

It happens every morning,
Across the noon day fair.
He takes another journey
From his lofty lair.

He bestows a friendly visit
To you each pleasant day,
Before he comes to me
To bless me with a ray.

The gift that is for us,
A kiss upon our skin
To bring us extra health
A blessing it is giv'n.

We look up to see the sun
Even though we live so far,
It brings us close together
Even though we're across the mar.

As you enjoy the warmth of him
And when you think you're done,
Please send him quickly on to me
With the blessings of the sun.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Again, as with your other sky poem, I find the rhymes here a bit too predictable and paradoxically they take away from the flow and content of the poem

[Pendragon]

The gift that is for us,
A kiss upon our skin
To bring us extra health
A blessing it is giv'n.

We look up to see the sun
Even though we live so far,
It brings us close together
Even though we're across the mar.



Well these two lines seem to have forced rhyme. but I like the rest of the poem.

[hillwalker]

I like the idea of composing a matched pair of poems - one for the sun and one for the moon. Having read this second one after your moon one I now think perhaps more contrast could have been made of the two topics since both poems follow a very similar track.

And I have to agree that verse 4 does read all wrong - perhaps it needs a rewrite or painless excision.

H

[MorpheusSandman]

One thing I've learned in my own poetic wandering is that uses of ellipses have to be very carefully and judiciously chosen and using them to force a rhyme (giv'n) just don't work since nobody says "given" in any way that rhymes with "skin". I also think the use of mar doesn't really fit. But, other than that, this is a completely pleasant and sweet piece. I always like art that uses the constants in our lives (like the sun) to provide a link to the temporary.