Plates Breaking in My Head

[Dark Muse]

A bit of an exprimental work. I had this phrase that has been stuck in my head for a few days now and thought I would try something a little different.

Plates Breaking in My Head

Why do these plates keep breaking in my head
every time I try to think,
another falls off the shelf,
breaking into a thousand shards
like splinters of thoughts
which scatter through my mind,
shrapnel lodging itself
into my brain
as I watch my sanity
start to diminish.

What are these plates always crashing
through my thoughts,
making my ears bleed
where I can find no relief,
and I have no freedom
to contemplate,
because
I hear the sonic sounds
echo down halls
of glass.

Plates keeping breaking
in my head,
plates keep crashing
through my mind,
cutting into my brain
making me want to scream,
but I am afraid
of all the broken glass
that become
all my broken thoughts.

[MorpheusSandman]

I really love how you sustain the metaphor throughout the piece. About the only negative I could muster is that it does become a bit obvious as it wears on. I think this would work better as a slightly shorter piece, and yet you conjure up a wealth of truly superb lines that spring from the basic metaphorical premise.

[Dark Muse]

Thank you very much! Yes I can understand the concers about the length. I was worried about that, and yet I could not quite find the perfect sport where I felt good about stoping it sooner.

[lallison]

I agree with Morpheus. This is a delightful poem and you have a good metaphor going here, albeit a touch slapstick, it also gave me something of a rag doll image of the narrator. You have a lot of good lines written down. i think you could cut out most of the last stanza, as it gives information and explains your metaphor which doesn't need explaining. Your excellent writing has already made it apparent.


shrapnel lodging itself
into my brain

I found this to be a particularly vivid line. Well done!

[Dark Muse]

Thank you!

Though it was not really meant to be slapstick I suppose I can undersand just how it might come off that way.

[hillwalker]

I enjoyed this as well; the image of a fractured state of mind, broken thoughts and the general fall-out from a post-bull china shop.

Your striking metaphor is carried through the piece without too much melodrama yet we get the impression of increasing loss of control.
My only quibble is that the title itself is a bit cumbersome - and to have it appear again and again throughout the poem (albeit in slightly modified form) spoils it slightly. The 'in my head' part, for instance, is probably unnecessary by the third stanza.
But there is potential for a really vivid poem here. Good stuff.

[PrinceMyshkin]

For me the question re the length might be resolved or mitigated if you dropped the final two lines, leaving us with an in medias res feeling that would be more consistent with the crashing and clinking throughout this strong poem.

[demonic790]

Love how you made the connection of the broken plates to broken thoughts!