Nanna VS Belial

[Amylian]

Hey!

Here is a poem that I really think of it as my "biggest failed creation ever", but well, here it is...!!! Judge and shoot me...!!!


Nanna Vs Belial
By
Ali Makki aka Amylian


Wise as Old Men in this deathly country,
On Cylinder Seal forever he throws light,
His lights are the lost hope, forever gone,
And thus engraved, forever, in lost memories.
Kingdom of Belial, you are nothing but ashes,
Ruled not by Nanna’s lights, but with pomposity.
“Aren’t you ashamed, Belial?
Walking fashionably on Red flames,
Yet you have done nothing to ignite it.
Smiling as the devil thou art,
Yet those around you smile not.
Torturing people in thy domain,
Yet not a drop of blood on you,
Only slipping through your mouth.
Now the sons of Eli were you sons.”
Nanna’s Light and Belial’s Flames,
Why bother?
Hoping hath become, here, so lame.
“Your father, ye god, could not stand the noise
Of mine sons, so he washed them away.
Aren’t we equal, you and I, I and you?”


Regards,
Ali Makki aka Amylian

[hillwalker]

I'd be interested to learn why you consider this your biggest failed creation (or do you mean flawed creation?). In either case I am intrigued.

As it stands it certainly works as a skilful condemnation of the devil (Belial?) and his legacy. My knowledge of Mesopotamian scrolls and the like is flimsy to say the least but I think I managed to grasp much of what you referred to.

Knowing so little of the Torah or Biblical teachings in which Nanna and Belial feature I would have preferred a little more clarification somewhere near the start that 'His lights' were actually 'Nanna's lights' - you tell us so in line 6 but by then it's a bit late.

The rich language you employ is very fitting here and adds a certain dignity to the piece. Which is why the single line 'Why bother?' seems so out of place - like a stroppy teenager throwing his/her hands up in the air and giving up in disgust. Or was that the intention?

..... and I would have preferred 'my sons' to 'mine sons' (the juxtaposed 'n' and 's' consonants seem to drain all the flow out of the line when read aloud).

But I would hardly call this a failure, unless you have set your standards impossibly high.

H

[MorpheusSandman]

While I join hill in being a bit lost in the relevance of the reference I quite like the style of this, though I'm a whore for neoclassicism anyway. Nonetheless, I like the ornamented language and the vivid descriptiveness.


But I would hardly call this a failure, unless you have set your standards impossibly high.Artists are cursed with being able to see their work from the inside-out, and we only see from the outside-in where the flaws are much more concealed.

[Amylian]

I'd be interested to learn why you consider this your biggest failed creation (or do you mean flawed creation?). In either case I am intrigued.

As it stands it certainly works as a skilful condemnation of the devil (Belial?) and his legacy. My knowledge of Mesopotamian scrolls and the like is flimsy to say the least but I think I managed to grasp much of what you referred to.

Knowing so little of the Torah or Biblical teachings in which Nanna and Belial feature I would have preferred a little more clarification somewhere near the start that 'His lights' were actually 'Nanna's lights' - you tell us so in line 6 but by then it's a bit late.

The rich language you employ is very fitting here and adds a certain dignity to the piece. Which is why the single line 'Why bother?' seems so out of place - like a stroppy teenager throwing his/her hands up in the air and giving up in disgust. Or was that the intention?

..... and I would have preferred 'my sons' to 'mine sons' (the juxtaposed 'n' and 's' consonants seem to drain all the flow out of the line when read aloud).

But I would hardly call this a failure, unless you have set your standards impossibly high.

H

I see!!! You're right, "My sons" works better!! You see, I am cursed by the ghost of William Blake and his predeccessors, the Classics...!!!

I think the reason of me thinking this is a failed creation is because I still think I could set a very strong correlation between polytheistic and Monotheistic religions in a somehow "Epic" way and it should've been longer, but being unable to tells me that I still have a long way to go!!!

[hillwalker]

I still have a long way to go!!!

We all do, or at least I hope we do. That is, after all, what makes this writing lark such fun. And I am a massive fan of Blake so do not feel the presence of his ghost hovering on your shoulder is a curse. All you have to do is tell him to 'shut up' now and again. He generally does as he's told!

[Pendragon]

No failure here, Amy! Every poem starts as an idea, then a rough draft before it is pared down to a masterpiece. Perhaps a shade more tightening of the lines is needed, but overall a success story.

[blank|verse]

Yeah, you're being harsh on yourself, it's still a good poem, Amylian (although like others, I'm not familiar with the subject matter).

Even though I'm not a fan of archaic language, it's fitting in context; perhaps a bit more rhythm would help some of the lines, though.

And I sense the 'ghost' of Yeats's 'Sailing to Byzantium', rather than Blake, in the opening:

Wise as Old Men in this deathly country,