Surcease Of Sorrow

[Jesterhead]

Surcease of sorrow, for me to stand up,
As all the dead lie down, screaming in pain,
Their tongues, in stillness gave no token,
As if my life was shapen, and fit to a frame,
Nameless here forever more.

It was not death, for I stood up,
Slow and cautiously, In not knowing wonder.

Hear discourse in ebony, that is sorrow in disquise,
Ere the time has come to be silent,
Revolution in its finest, that is the earth to be quiet,
Envious of heaven, that nature span burden on the maiden charm.

For the less gone vision, or in day or night, or in none,
One other or me to hold the golden sand within my hand,
Relevancy, that is to agree, very little.

Upon there perfumed for unseen, the sainted maiden,
Still is to come out that shadow, rare but bleak condition.

[hillwalker]

This shows your strongest and weakest points, Jesterhead.

The imagery is vivid and compelling, and even some of the archaic language works well in this particular context.

But some of the syntax is ungrammatical - from line 10 onwards - either due to the order in which you place the wording or perhaps due to a couple of missing words or typos that can be read one of two ways.

In particular the word cautionesly had me scratching my head - is it cautiously ? or its opposite cautionlessly ? (which is not a word as such) - incautiously perhaps?

Forgive me for pointing out these errors but to gain the trust of your readers you need them to fully understand what it is you are telling them.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I have to agree with everything Hillwalker said, and it's a pity, because there are glimmers of something rich and mysterious here, but the forced archaicisms make it hard to follow or interpret.

[Jesterhead]

Thank you Hill and Prince, that is cautiously I will correct that immediatly.


There also is a play of words within this if you can find it.

Which archaisms do you find forced?

[Hawkman]

Sorry Jesterhead but it look a bit as though you took a pair of scissors to Poe's "The Raven" and reassembled it, a La Dr. Frankenstein! I'm not a fan of cut-ups ;)

[Jesterhead]

Even though Poe has been an inspiration, I don't think there is that much of a resemblance.

[hillwalker]

I have spotted your 'play on words' - Satan is Here For Us

- but there are two or three lines that make no sense the way you have written them. As I said, the first 9 lines work well and show your craft at its most potent. But after that point the poem tends to lose coherence, largely because I am unable to understand a single sentence of it:

that nature spang burden on the maiden charm - is this what you really meant to write? or something along the lines of 'the burden nature sprang on the maiden's charms' (which even then is still very ponderous, but at least it does mean something).

I feel we are being harsh on you, but something has definitely gone awry with the second half of your poem. It needs some TLC I think.

H

[Jesterhead]

I can take it, one can only learn by constructive criticism.

In many of my poems you will find many semantic schematics towards the biblical, unnatural and or mythology.

From line 10, well I wanted to create the image of hell, the low of hell as envious of heaven, they are quiet as their scream gave no token for the one who stands up in the first half of my poem. The ones with power stands up and the ones who gain power stands up as the weak lie down. From line 10 abit of anarchy and the norm of the youth enters the poem. A 'spang' is a bridge made of wood, it is in my english dictionary. The revolution of youth is to be quiet and block out troubles of the world, as the weak is envious of the strong.

"That nature spang burden on the maiden charm", could possibly have been written differently, but I was trying to say that the revolution of youth as the weak are quiet and envious of the strong, has made virginity (maiden) a burden, and it has now become the nature of youth to shun anything pure. 'The Satan is here for us' represents the norm and nature that takes place and we have to live under during this revolution of youth.

Line 12-14 I wanted to say through metaphors that money and power had very little relevance to ones happiness, because happiness is relative and it is what you make of it. With golden sand I mean money or something of value. Even though I am far from a saint myself, I am pretty much a part of the youth I am describing where casual sex and materialism are held high under priorities. I explain with the ending lines in a very subjective manner what real happiness is 'the sainted maiden' (true love) and the norm of the world has yet to see how little relevance money and power has to real happiness.

[MorpheusSandman]

It seems I've arrived after the changes/modifications, but I had little trouble keeping up with this, even with the sprinklings of archaisms and grammatical oddities. Quite frankly, when the imagery is this strong I tend to be carried through the piece anyway, and while I'm not sure if this is your best, I still think it packs quite a punch.

[Jesterhead]

thank you!