the sweet blood flows

[qimissung]

the freighter lists
like a drunken girl
wearing only a petticoat, who,
with one eye closed,
does not see the danger

that with brutish hands
makes his way onto the deck
and with the casual swipe of his paw
undresses her-
what a pretty target she has made-
and takes
what isn't his
as though it is

The screams have died
And the boat lies still;
out on the ocean's swell, no laws of man
Can reach it
and from its wounds, the sweet blood flows

Qimissung

[MorpheusSandman]

Hmmm, I'm not sure about this one. Maybe it's just me but the opening stanza's metaphor seems rather confusing. The freighter obviously makes one think of ships, but then to associate the freighter with a drunken girl is odd and becomes even stranger when we're supposed to imagine this freighter-as-drunken-girl raping some victim? I'm also not sure about the ending. That "sweet blood flows" line seems a bit to... I dunno, cliched, maybe, but I think the real problem is that the whole setup just reads strangely to me. I know you're an extremely intelligent/thoughtful poet, qimi, so I'd be grateful if you'd care to go into some of your creative thought behind this.

Also, grammar goof: "it's" should be "its" in stanza 2, line 3

[Delta40]

I have the impression it is about the US oil spill but I'm not sure. I rather like how you have constructed the poem. Its elusive quality is appealing to me.

[Hawkman]

Hi qim

I think the first 2 stanzas are fine in this. Having spent a significant portion of my working life at sea I know the vulnerability of a ship to freak waves. Where it breaks down is in the last stanza where the similie has mutated into a separate corporeal entity which is literally lying on itself. if the ship is like a girl, how does the girl get on the deck of the ship?

But this is the only flaw as far as I can see. Lose that line and it works as an elegently expressed poem about a ship holed and bleading oil into the sea.

If this is not what it's about then I don't understand it!

Best, H

[hillwalker]

I also felt the opening stanzas worked fine - the frill of petticoat for example I assumed to be the wash of waves along her sides.

I was less sure of the ending of stanza 2 to begin with

what isn't his
as though it is

because I had no sense of who the he was referring to since earlier it was an it

Other than that a finely crafted piece.

[Bar22do]

Clinging to this scrap
no one would even notice
were I not grassing it over,
this tiny handkerchief
to hardly blow one’s nose in
(d***! always bleeding)
I gave up trying to understand
what rules map hate into bias
again and again,
and if there will be a first man
ever
to cease to blame.

Yet, in the blinding wilderness
I still find a well, a twig
as I sing
crying:
"Long live the impartial world!"

[qimissung]

Thank you, bar, and again, thank you. To each of you who stopped by to read, my thanks. I will make a few changes tomorrow when I have acess to a real computer.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Unhappily, once the metaphor of the "drunken girl
wearing only a petticoat," was introduced, I lost track of the main subject, i.e., the frighter but reading it with that misperception, it was a fine, moving poem. The "sweet blood" is deeply affecting.

[qimissung]

I made a few changes; maybe it will be less confusing.

[Bar22do]

I love the clarity of your revision, qim, and the whole context becomes more poignant this way, probably because of its new elliptical nature. Warmest regards - Bar

[hillwalker]

Agreed - a poem that had promise now achieves its full potential. A great piece of writing.

[qimissung]

Thank you, bar and hill. I'm touched by your positive feedback. I'm going to try to write something next week, bar, that you might like. We'll see how it goes.

[_Shannon_]

I have read only after the revisions--but as someone reading Count of Monte Cristo right now--I must say...I really liked it! I am often not big on extended metaphors, but I think this really works!

[lallison]

vivid, graphic, and disturbing. Well written!

[qimissung]

thank you, Shannon and Iallson. I think I know what you mean, Shannon. In this instance, someone told me this was a Homeric simile, but that is a tomayto tomahto thing. An extended metaphor is kind of a one trick pony, kind of putting all your literary eggs in one basket, and maybe just a little lazy.

But thank you, I think it did work. :)

[qimissung]

thank you, Shannon and Iallson. I think I know what you mean, Shannon. In this instance, someone told me this was a Homeric simile, but that is a tomayto tomahto thing. An extended metaphor is kind of a one trick pony, kind of putting all your literary eggs in one basket, and maybe just a little lazy.

But thank you, I think it did work. :)

[cogs]

i guess i only read this after the revisions, but it seemed piracy to me.

[Buh4Bee]

immensely enjoyed after the revisions.

[cogs]

i take it back, it does seem the sea overwhelmed the vessel (like a heart attack).

[qimissung]

Thank you, jersea and cogs. Actally cogs, something closer to piracy is what I had in mind when I wrote this. I am really touched and humbled that you thought it was worth several re-readings.