The Real Satan Shows His Face (satans reply to my "Its Over Satan)

[theriddler89]

as i was saying in my last poem that was me to satan n in this one he replys to what i said to him,this poem came out of me stright after i wrote the other it was like he was really pissed and angry at me for trying to recliam my soul,this to me is real i cnt express how it felt to me at the time it was like i had no control of my pen its like he just had to let me know i cant have my soul back after i sold it.

5 4 3 2 ****ing one
now its time to have my fun
your now no longer protected you are only alone
the divine shield around you was only a loan

you once were untouchable and out of my reach
but now im your teacher n its time for me to teach
teach you that there is no place to run and hide
your ****ing soul has always been mine

you cant get out of this this is the beginning of your end
and this will not repair this can not b ment
the damage is done your almost broken
my internal devil u have awoken

you betrayed me boy tryed to stab me in the back
but HA it was faith n will power u did lack
but even if u were god i would still crush u down
crush you down into the dirt in the ground

i can walk all over you and pull your strings like a puppet
your my little plat thing now n o how i ****ing love it
i can bend u this way and break u in half
i can destroy everything while i dance n laugh

u really really think i would give up this easy
i mean come on after all u are fighting me
boy u underestamate the power that i process
you think u will be forgivin if u confess

he is over u tarryn to him ur just a lost cause
he does not wont you cuz ur full of sins and flaws
your a abomanation to heaven your soul will not rest there
your pain ur loss he does not care

i was the one you could turn to in despair
but now u tryed to stab ME in the back n thats not fair
you should of relized from the ****ing start
that once i own u we are one n i will never part

you sold ur sole ur condemed to hell
another victim to torture o boy o swell
you can try all you wont to earn your redemption
but we both know u cant from previous lessons

you lost tarryn god has no heaven for you
so just give up repenting n fighting me to
but if u choose to resits n this war must be done
then u have made ur choise the war has already begun

and if u really think for a second that u can resist
then ur already fighting a losing battle kid
you cant beat me boy im the king of ****ing sin
your soul will be mine tarryn i will ****ing win

so goon then and give it ur best shot
ill strike u down n just leave u to rot
leave you in the dirt for time to decompose
to watch you wither away n die slowly like a rose

and now with you gone and the battle at its cease
youll fall to me in hell where there is no knowledge of peace
and in my home youll be mine forever again n again
the pain the torture will be your only friend

youll wont it to cease youll just wont to die
but now u started thia fight rmeber so now your mine
youll beg me to stop you will wish u were dead
but u will soon relize this is death ur new home so just make ur bed

your home now tarryn n i will never let you leave
your now in hell forever and ever your mine to keep

[hillwalker]

Having read both your poems this is by far the better of the two.

It's a mixture of rap and rant, which does at times leave the reader feeling like they are banging their heads against a wall.
Perhaps you need to tone your emotions down in order to allow the reader to appreciate the source of your anger rather than displaying it so openly that they recoil in shock.

The rhyme tends to come and go - sometimes very regular, taking a little too much control of what you are trying to say - then later the rhyme disintegrates, presumably because you ran out of words that fitted. If that is the case it might have been better to do away with the rhyme altogether and concentrate on the message. I also think in this way it would allow your 'voice' to express itself more naturally.

With a little work this can become a valid piece of writing - BUT I would advise you not to headline each poem with a letter explaining why you are posting it. Let your poem do the talking - if readers feel it deserves some comment (good or bad) they will reply - if they don't it is no reflection on you as a writer so just keep trying your best.

Good luck.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I agree with most of what hillwalker says. There was a rough-and-ready quality to this that felt a bit as if I were being hammered into submission, and the rhymes rather got in the way of your message as they were at times either forced-sounding or predictable.

[MorpheusSandman]

I'll also join in the chorus of echoing what hillwalker said.

[qimissung]

It has a lot of power and energy, and I think that's a good start.