Haiku / Tanka [Online Circle]

[milktea]

Everyone who enjoys writing Western style haiku, please consider joining this Haiku circle. While there is already an extensive thread to share Western-style haiku, the purpose of this thread is to share haiku and tanka which use the parameters of traditional haiku and tanka, that is to write haiku the way they were and are originally intended to be written. I hope this thread will help foster a deeper understanding and appreciation of the haiku genre. Since this is a circle, feel free to discuss the craft itself on this thread as well! ^_^

Haiku Rules
All haiku on this thread must:
- be 15-17 syllables*
- contain a season word related to your present season (季語/kigo)

Kigo Lists:
500 words (http://www.2hweb.net/haikai/renku/500ESWd.html/)
spring (http://haiku.cc.ehime-u.ac.jp/~shiki/kukai/kiyose-spring.html), summer (http://haiku.cc.ehime-u.ac.jp/~shiki/kukai/kiyose-summer.html), autumn (http://haiku.cc.ehime-u.ac.jp/~shiki/kukai/kiyose-autumn.html), winter (http://haiku.cc.ehime-u.ac.jp/~shiki/kukai/kiyose-winter.html)

Haiku Suggestions (Jane Reichhold):
All haiku on this thread should:
- use present tense verbs
- contain a fragment and a phrase
- avoid rhyme
- contain an element of nature
- be sincere (be about what you have experienced--not imagined)
- be simple

Tanka
For those who have not written a tanka before, it has the same rules as haiku but the meter is slightly different: 5-7-5-7-7

*Syllable Count Rule
While I strongly recommend sticking to the standard meter, the essence of haiku is its simplicity, and the English language does not lend itself to this the way Japanese does because Japanese count syllables differently. To offset this difference, I have included this arbitrary rule allowing 3-5 syllables in the first line OR last line (not both!) Again, the standard meter is recommended.

[hillwalker]

gentle summer rain
the steady drip of heaven
leaf to branch to ground

I would welcome comments, milktea, on how far this falls from the ideal - more so from the point of view of vocabulary and phraseology than form perhaps.
Writing haiku in any Western language has always struck me as akin to hijacking unless it is done with a great deal of care and deference to the original values of the form.
Apologies in advance for any stylistic errors.

H

[milktea]

gentle summer rain
the steady drip of heaven
leaf to branch to ground

I would welcome comments, milktea, on how far this falls from the ideal - more so from the point of view of vocabulary and phraseology than form perhaps.
Writing haiku in any Western language has always struck me as akin to hijacking unless it is done with a great deal of care and deference to the original values of the form.
Apologies in advance for any stylistic errors.

H

Happily, and thank you for posting! It's a lovely haiku *^o^*

gentle summer rain
great starting fragment! Perhaps you could describe what a gentle rain is so that we can see it for ourselves through your words?

the steady drip of heaven
Likewise in this verse, I would recommend describing what you see as you see it as simply as possible. In my opinion (take it for what's it worth), phrases like this appeal to the intellect first--not to the senses. I dunno, I guess you could try imagine that you have a dear friend who is blind. He or she asks you to describe what you are looking at. Would you say: "I'm looking at a steady drip of heaven."? If not, what would you say?

...that's probably what you'd want to write ^_^;;

leaf to branch to ground
I think your final verse is lovely and spot on.

Your post was a wonderful start to this thread. I hope my comments help.

[Jesterhead]

Gazing upon blooming roses
I sit in the morning, enjoying
A still day beneath the sun

I don't know if this is western style?

[hillwalker]

Thanks for your gentle guidance, milktea. I shall put my thinking cap on.....

[milktea]

tossing under sheet
sparrow chirps at my window
summer sun rises

[milktea]

Gazing upon blooming roses
I sit in the morning, enjoying
A still day beneath the sun

I don't know if this is western style?

Hmm... unless you have a specific list of season words to represent your area, this would be Western style because it lacks a season word. But honestly, the spirit of your haiku is definitely similar to a traditional haiku. For instance, let's compare your poem to a master's:

Basho (translated by Donald Keene)
Making the coolness
my abode, here I lie
completely at ease

Edit: actually reading your haiku again, one could argue that roses are summer season word

[Hawkman]

The kingfisher's call,
memory fading in wind.
A moment passing.

[Jesterhead]

Hmm... unless you have a specific list of season words to represent your area, this would be Western style because it lacks a season word. But honestly, the spirit of your haiku is definitely similar to a traditional haiku. For instance, let's compare your poem to a master's:

Basho (translated by Donald Keene)
Making the coolness
my abode, here I lie
completely at ease

Edit: actually reading your haiku again, one could argue that roses are summer season word

yea, I thought blooming roses would be my kido, since roses starts blooming in late may/early june and keeps blooming all through summer.

[hack]

mayflies slip below
ripples kissed by hungry koi
surging toward the sky

[hillwalker]

milktea :
in response to your suggestions I'm uncertain now whether to continue exploring how to describe the sensation -

face raised in rapture
summer tears rain down your cheeks
leaf to branch to ground

which is only a personal sensation, or to describe the image -

flecks of quicksilver
a sudden summer torrent
sun chasing rainbows

Any thoughts?

[milktea]

The kingfisher's call,
memory fading in wind.
A moment passing.

This is awesome Hawkman *_____*

[milktea]

milktea :
in response to your suggestions I'm uncertain now whether to continue exploring how to describe the sensation -

face raised in rapture
summer tears rain down your cheeks
leaf to branch to ground

which is only a personal sensation, or to describe the image -

flecks of quicksilver
a sudden summer torrent
sun chasing rainbows

Any thoughts?

This is a personal choice, but I stick to describing images--i.e., what you see at that moment which inspires you to write the haiku. I would avoid abstract words like 'rapture' because the meaning of these words will be heavily dependent on your reader's filters. For example when I think of 'rapture', I think of images like Bernini's Ecstasy of St. Teresa of Avila or other religious images because I was raised Catholic and these are my reading filters. Is that the image you were trying to convey?

I prefer your second haiku, but to be honest, I'm so happy to read Western haiku which are not solely 575 poems that I'm very grateful that you've posted both. ^_^

[Hawkman]

Thanks milktea :)

[qimissung]

Feet feeling the warmth
I walk slowly down the street
Not the busy one

[qimissung]

Feet feeling the warmth
I walk slowly down the street
Not the busy one

[qimissung]

I didn't mean to post twice! Is this what you had in mind, though?

[windblown]

After the day's heat
how gently the night rain drips
into my riesling