Life Of Mine Lies Unspoken

[Jesterhead]

We are in this world not of it
Spreading like vermin the last of the breed,
I am the result of what is better left unspoken
Violence begins to mend what was broken
You've been talking, I've been all ears
I have been the darkest hour
Of where light could not be,
There's no shoulder left to cry on
I am tied in knots that can't be undone,
I've seen visions awakening
drawing timeless life to an end,
I've felt forces pulling me
and I have rejoiced in them,
I've forsaken my silence
I killed my vision which should not be spoken.

[hillwalker]

Another of your better efforts Jesterhead - less of the flowery language that you know I am allergic to.

Just a couple of quibbles in an otherwise super poem:

Line 4 introduces an end rhyme to copy line 3 - but this rhyme scheme isn't continued elsewhere - and it's not the most elegant way of saying what you were intending anyway,

and

'I have been the darkest hour' sounds a bit odd - perhaps 'I have seen the darkest hour' or 'I have been your darkest hour' are more suited.
Just a thought.

Other than that, a very enjoyable piece.

[Lumiere]

....ehem....actually, I rather like
"I have been the darkest hour"

:nod:

[MorpheusSandman]

I love the opening Biblical allusion (I forget which book it's from). I think you have some awesome stuff here, and I actually prefer the "darkest hour" line as you have it which strangely echoes the opening line of oppositely being in VS being (of). But it feels a bit like a fragment, or an incomplete thought. Even though its brief I'm not sure I see the glue that holds it together.

[Jesterhead]

Thank you Hillwalker, Lumiere and Morpheus.

[Hawkman]

Sorry Jesterhead, been away for a couple of days so didn't see this before the revisions but as it stands now I think it's pretty good. One thing though, you don't need the comma after result in line three.

Good poem, H

[Jesterhead]

Thanks Hawk.

and Hill, it wasn't actually intended that line 3 and 4 would rhyme at first, but I thought it was good that way, so I let it stay. But I can see that one would then expect it to rhyme later on.

[Bar22do]

what a wonderful effort and achievement, Jester. I'll devote it more time, when time allows. sorry for such a rush. and thank you for this poem, Bar

[Jesterhead]

Thank you Bar.