The Fiery Day

[Amylian]

Hey,

Here is a simple poem written not lately, but newly posted here...!!!



"The Fiery Day"
By
Ali Makki aka Amylian


Once upon a fiery day,
All my friends inside the sanctuary did stay,
Afraid,
Afraid of the world,
Afraid of fate that yet to be unfold.
I implored them to face the fiery day,
“Come, my beloved friends, enough of this lay.”
With sweat that flow over his chest,
And with a serene look on her eyes,
They looked at me, and I at them,
I said, “enough of this lay,”
And they packed their belongings,
And away they did stray,
As I beheld, they melted
When the sun in the middle
Of the sky halted.

Regards,
Ali Makki aka Amylian

[hillwalker]

Some of the rather flowery language you employ here makes this difficult to follow in places, although it sounds melodious enough.

'fate that yet to be unfold' is a bit clumsy and not quite grammatical - 'fate that is yet to unfold' is I assume what you meant.

and using 'did' the way you do is rather archaic -

my friends inside the sanctuary did stay
or
away they did stray

I can understand why you did it - to maintain the rhyme. But sticking doggedly to rhyme regardless of flow can make a piece sound rather contrived (especially as in this poem there are so many '-ay' rhymes scattered throughout it).

I think if you took the plunge and tried to rework it as contemporary, blank verse you would produce something far more palatable to your readers.

Fair effort though at creating something quite enigmatic.

[MorpheusSandman]

I like hill am a bit puzzled by most of the grammatical gaffs and I wonder if they are intentional (and if so, why?) or unintentional. I also feel that most of the rhymes feel forced. As is it reads really rough, but I think you have the makings of a really good poem here.

[Amylian]

In face this was an attempt to step on the non-romantic flow, Blank-verse, but it seems I failed...heheh!!!

Anyways, the influence of classics stills burn within me, and thus, it's hard for me not to ryhme the verses.

It seems I will be "re-writing" it again, or better yet, "re-imagine" it...!!!

Thanks for the pointers guys, I love to recieve harsh and useful critiques. It helps me become a better poet and writer...!!!