Magical Night

[Lamar Cole]

What a magical night.
I drowned in your caress.
I'll always remember how cute you looked.
In your silk mini dress.

Pretty long legs.
All lovely and tan.
Looking so good.
You could light up a baseball stand.

When you walked.
All the guys' heads did turn.
For a moment with you.
They would walk through fire.
And get burned.

[hillwalker]

This has something going for it - I'm not quite sure what though.

'I drowned in your carress' is a great line and truly deserves to be in better company if I'm honest.

The longer lines (v1 l3 and v2 l4) break up the flow and come across as cumbersome.

And as for 'All the guys heads did turn' - for such a contemporary theme (in praise of a cheerleader?) this particular line is totally out of place. No one speaks that way - although I realise you twisted it round so it would fit in with the rhythm of the piece.

A couple of tweaks here and there and you can make this near pefect. Good luck.

[Pryderi Agni]

:iagree: with hillwalker's second objection; no one uses the 'did' too much anymore. Besides this, I have certain other doubts.

First of all, tell me honestly: Did you think this up in free verse first? Somehow I get the sense that you're deliberately forcing your verse into a lyrical structure. As a result, the structure seems stilted, and your descriptions seem to be more suitable to a free verse poem. Please don't succumb to the temptation; a free verse thought should be expressed in a free verse poem, and that's that.

Secondly, punctuation. It's very important; give us some breathing space, man!

Thirdly, the meter. 4-4-5 isn't exactly suiting your poem. I think you'd be better off fusing the last two lines together.

Please don't take my words to heart. Correct me if I'm wrong, and explain to me your reason for why the poem is the way it is. It is your poem, after all.

[MorpheusSandman]

I pretty much agree with hill here. I like the "baseball stand" image, although shouldn't it be "stadium" and not "stand"?