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Samjulila
05-29-2010, 02:04 AM
Sarah glanced at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was pulled delicately from her face. Her makeup was done to perfection. Just a hint of blush applied to her ivory cheeks. Then there was the dress, custom made for her, off white, simple. Just like Sarah, just like everything in her life, until she met Andrew. He changed everything.
Sarah and Andrew were not a likely couple. Andrew wasn’t anyone’s idea of perfect. He was labled a druggie and a loser, but Sarah saw past it all. Her friends told her he was, “bad news,” but she refused to believe it. When she looked at Andrew she saw a unique individual, who didn’t care what other people thought of him. She saw a guy who loved to read, not Sports Illustrated or comics, actual books. She knew she needed to know him from the fist moment she saw him. It took Andrew a little longer, but eventually he noticed her too.
Today, against all odds, Sarah was getting the wedding she’d always dreamed of. Elegant, and sophisticated, everything was just how she wanted it, with one exception. She stared distantly into the mirror. Not really looking at her reflection, but thinking more of what she would become. How marriage would change her, how over fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Sarah scolded herself silently. She shouldn’t think this way, not on her wedding day.
She knew her bridesmaids would be coming soon, to make sure she was ready. She knew they would attend to her every need, and dote all over her, just as she would for them. Unfortunately, today Sarah didn’t feel like being fussed over. She didn’t want to feel at all. Just wanted to get this day over with and move on.
Sarah glanced around the room, her childhood bedroom, and truly soaked it in. The pink lace curtains and how they had faded almost white from the sun. She remembered a day when her only dream was to look as beautiful as her mother, when she was all dressed up. She ran her hands down the line of stuffed animals that all had a name, and remembered how she would tuck them in each night before bed. Those were the days, when your biggest worry was learning how to tie your shoes. When you didn’t have to plan for the life ahead of you, but just live in the moment.
That’s why Sarah insisted on getting ready for the wedding here. She wanted to remember those days. She wanted one last taste of being a little girl before she gave it up forever.
Sarah curled into a ball on her bed, thinking of Andrew and how she couldn’t wait to see him again. Thinking of how they could talk about anything, or sometimes nothing at all. Remembering his smile, and how they went to terrible movies, just so they could have the theater to themselves. Remembering how he would squeeze her had twice for I love you, and call her just to say good morning. Trying not to remember the accident.
“I’ll love you forever,” he had whispered, his eyes closing.
Sarah had sobbed into his chest wanting to say she loved him too, but knowing it was too late. He was gone, and she didn’t get to say goodbye.
She couldn’t go through with this wedding. She had always known that she wouldn’t. Her fiancé wasn’t Andrew. No one could ever take his place. All she wanted was to be with him, even if meant ending her own life. She scribbled a quick note. “I’ve gone to be with Andrew.”

hillwalker
05-29-2010, 08:56 AM
Well, I didn't expect it to end this way.
A surprise twist, especially after all the rather mushy build-up.

A few quibbles - so you know I really do take notice.

1) quite a few typos - perhaps because you didn't take the time to do a quick pre-post check.

labled for labelled, fist for first and had for hand leap out.

2) you don't dote all over a person, you dote on them.

Ok I'm being picky, but a reader will begin to lose trust in any writer as soon as he/she spots a mistake. Writers are supposed to be omnipotent - and never wrong. Don't give the reader the chance to prove otherwise.

Also I think I would have left out the statistic about 50% of marriages ending in divorce - it detracts from the story.

And finally, I think this can be reworked into a MUCH stronger piece if you start in the middle.

'Today against all odds.....' would be a good place to start. Then just add little bits about Andrew as the story unfolds. Cramming a lot of background information right at the start is not always the best way to grab the reader's attention.
Also, I had to re-read the last part a couple of times to realise her wedding is not to Andrew. Without spelling it out too obviously I would replace 'her fiancee' with some other guy's name - so the reader realises with a jolt that he/she has been misled - and of couse, the killer ending has to stay.....

Brilliant effort - just needs a little TLC.

H

Samjulila
05-29-2010, 12:28 PM
Thank you for the critiques. i'm definitely going to rework it. It was just a quick typed first draft. You are a great help. I really appreciate it :)

J.D. Sparks
05-29-2010, 02:00 PM
Okay, so the story is a bit cheesy. And how can it not be with a "love-of-my-life" and a wedding and some childhood nostalgia and a suicide? Yet, I really enjoyed reading it! I think it was a bit melodramatic to be enjoyed as a "serious" piece of writing (or maybe that's just my own literary pretension surfacing). But dam_ this story is fun! And so short! I love the length that your past two stories have kept to.

Samjulila
05-30-2010, 12:53 AM
ya... i know its totally cheesy, but that's sort of the fun part. who wants to be serious all the time? not me. thanks for the feedback