A Mirror

[lallison]

My shadow’s cast, a wraith of jagged coal.
The sun is blocked within a head without
a heart to fear, and with my breath I hold
her eyes and mouth, they’re drawn in sketch of doubt.
A velvet sleep I brush for her to wake.
My whispers twirl below a mirrored pool,
and here’s the pill I’ll give for her to take:
a gliding rush of words that seems to cool
an apparition hiding in a whirl
who charms the voices calling from the grave.
This darkness comes to light with every girl
I’ve tossed in stilted silence to the waves.
And when the sirens call again from deep,
I’ll gain once more the losses that I keep.

[hillwalker]

A lovely, yet quite dark poem - visions of Narcissus and Echo comes to mind.

And like a rather distorted mirror there is also a lot of internal rhyme - but fragmented by the waves so that one word is echoed a couple of lines further down rather than in the same line.

A fine piece of writing, lallison.
One of your best - and not because it is also one of your shortest!

[Hawkman]

Hi lall,

A dark sonet indeed. A serial killer's soliloquy? Great stuff.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

There's plenty to ruminate about here and like hillwalker I deeply appreciate the mix of end- and internal-rhymes, which keep one hopping, as if to reflect the to and from of the persona's mind.

the final couplet, though something of a mystery to me still, has a deep, authoritative resonance, brought about without the least suspicion of straining for a rhyme. Kind of like Beethoven's agonized question Muss es sein? that he wrote in the margin of his great Quartet #16, and answered, regretfully, a short while later: Es muss sein.

[hack]

It is dark. It is also restrained and introspective, almost soft.
I am reminded of Randy Newman's "In Germany Before the War".
Very, very good job lal.

[Maryd.]

It is dark. But I love it. Well done dear.

[MorpheusSandman]

It's dark but it's also beautifully and evocatively written. As everyone around her knows I'm a real sucker for sonnets and I love the fact that you've carefully sculpted this in perfect iambic pentameter without it ever appearing artificial or forced. As others I love how you mix internal and end-rhymes and enjambment with end-stops. This is something that I've been working on in my sonnets about how to best mix them so as to break up any predictable monotony and you do it here with tremendous adroitness.

[lallison]

Thanks for reading, commenting and saying nice things. This is my first attempt at writing a sonnet, I'm glad it was recognized and no one pointed out any gross errors in the meter. I like the effects that the sound of it has on the poem and think I will try writing a few more of these. I do wonder about the last line, because it can sound a bit enigmatic. For me it says what needs to be said, but I think the closing of a sonnet can really make or break it. I'll keep thinking about it.