Deep Into The Core..make you feel stoked

[TheFinale]

Hell is full of hatred
Do you know why?
It has no pleasant things
For you and I

There's so much blood
It makes a flood
Upon the high towers of isolation
That turns your mind into a state of permutation

You are up so high
You think you can fly
So you begin to soar
And down you come and hit the floor

Everything is black
And there's one thing you lack
And it's the ability to focus
With all this hocus pocus

You soon realize
That you are at your demise
And you begin to shiver
Because you are in a state of a quiver

You see the devil in front you
Opening its mouth ready to chew you

You realize this is all a dream
You wake up with a scream
You come to notice to your surprise
That you are not at your demise

[hillwalker]

Some good ideas, but the rhyme seems to have taken over any opportunity for free expression you might have been aiming for - and at the expanse of the beat.

I think the images you have drawn are very potent and would work better in a pattern of short, punchy verses, where the rhythm is the same throughout as that in verse 1 - so forget about rhyming for now.

Of course, you might have to remove the rhymes in verse 1 as well to maintain consistency - but a worthwhile effort.

[TheFinale]

Thanks for the comment, I'll work on it.

[MorpheusSandman]

I find myself saying this repeatedly on here, but when you use end-rhymes and couplets especially you have to be extremely aware and attentive to the meter. There are some really good moments and pieces here, but there are others that look like basic beginner's mistakes. Another thing to watch out for is when a contraction is better than its two word cousin. Here, you use "you are" twice when "you're" actually fits the rhythm better in stanza 5.