The Rosemary

[Jesterhead]

At midnight, in the month of September.
I stand quiet, on shaking earth,
In the shadow of the mountain tender,
The rosemary lies weeping in search.

For the world awake, all beauty sleeps.
The lake a conscious slumber seems to take,
So fearfully, where the rosemary weeps,
The unfold pleasure, offered so fake.

The life upon her yellow hair.
But not as secrets told, within her eyes,
Lies as sweet as Maria, life's still there,
Upon her soul, tender and debonair, no'one dies.

My song swallowed up in leaves that blew away.
I left you in the mornings mysterious glow,
As to the forest edge you came one day,
You walked away beside me, to make me go.

Fearless of ever finding open land.
I should not see forth upon my track,
Or highway where the slow wheels pours the sand,
I do now see, why I should turn back.

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's a bit too self-conscious for my liking, proclaiming in every line that it is written in a somewhat foreign language called "Poetry." I'd suggest relax and let your feelings speak without rhyme.

[J.D. Sparks]

I like rhyme, but I have to agree with Prince Myshkin that it's sometimes awkward in this poem. However, instead of making it free verse, why not use some internal rhyme? That way, your syntax could be a bit more normal but you would still get the pleasing sound of rhyme. For example:

It is midnight in September
and I stand quietly on the shaking earth.
In the mountain's tender shadow...

etc, you get the idea.

I was going to finish that quatrain but I realized that I don't know what you mean by the rosemary "lying weeping in search"...?

You have some lovely imagery here though.

[MorpheusSandman]

While I agree that the rhymes come off as a bit awkward and forced - mostly because of the irregular meter - I think you have some breathtakingly gorgeous imagery here. It's good enough that I, more or less, forgot about the rhymes and just wrapped myself up in the language. I especially loved the opening line and the "For the world awake, all beauty sleeps".

[Jesterhead]

I love this style of writing. I don't know what you mean by: 'foreign language called poetry'?

and thanks for the compliments on my imagery.