Confusion

[Revolte]

Spinning walls of paint and mud
reflect a battered soul,
confused and used and setting out
to theme parks made of holes.

Each and every poisoned ride
painted in my fears,
burns up the trees and down the leaves
soaking dry my tears.

Tears of blue from times of joy
drip until they're red,
from violent dreams with violent themes
of dancing with the dead.

Somehow those evil bloody dreams
comfort me in sleep,
for when awake I cannot take
the single smallest leap.

[Hawkman]

Hi Revolte,

this is a poem that rattles along nicely and does what it says on the tin! I was particularly struck by the oxymoron, "Soaking dry".

The jaunty rhythm and rhyming scheme infuse your nightmare scenario with humour and irony. Very enjoyable, thanks.

By the way that should be they're S3 l2.

Best, H

[Revolte]

Thank you Hawk. Ah I hate the theres, I always typo them.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I could not reconcile "comfort" with the inability to take a single smallest leap:


Somehow those evil bloody dreams
comfort me in sleep,
for when awake I cannot take
the single smallest leap.

apart from which I deeply appreciated the movement between end & interior rhymes, the gracefulness of that.

[hillwalker]

Yet another glimpse into some dark, troubled psyche. You have a real talent for displaying paranoia or even madness, and yet making it appear almost attractive.

A strange and powerful piece.

[Jesterhead]

This has some nice stuff in it, I enjoyed it.

The rhyme scheme in the first verse doesn't really match with the others, as soul and holes doesn't rhyme.

[hillwalker]

soul and holes doesn't rhyme.

You are right Jesterhead, but one is allowed to use partial rhymes - where the echoing vowel sounds of soul and holes by themselves are perfectly acceptable alternatives to full rhyme.
I'm sure BlankVerse could (and possibly will) explain this better than I am.

[Jesterhead]

You are right Jesterhead, but one is allowed to use partial rhymes - where the echoing vowel sounds of soul and holes by themselves are perfectly acceptable alternatives to full rhyme.
I'm sure BlankVerse could (and possibly will) explain this better than I am.

I understand. It just struck me as peculiar, as the other verses had end rhymes, but it is an acceptable alternative. I just realised I have done the same thing.

[J.D. Sparks]

I'm all for partial rhymes, slant rhymes, etc. but I too was thrown off by the fact that there is only one of them while the rest are perfect rhymes. It just seemed like the odd man out. If even one of the other stanzas were half-rhymed, I think I would've been happier with it.

[MorpheusSandman]

Unless you want to get really technical, the primary rhyme is contained in the last vowel/consonant combination and the pluralization feels more like an addendum that doesn't really disrupt the rhyme. You still get the same vowel and "l" consonant between "souls" and "hole" so I'd contend that it's, more or less, a rhyme and perfectly acceptable.

As for the piece, I love your perfect use of ballad meter and the ingenious repetitions in the third line of each stanza. I think this is a great example of how form can enhance content and make it jump out at you while at the same time being rhythmically, musically, and aesthetically pleasing. Very nice work.