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Samjulila
05-27-2010, 08:49 AM
Galena sat in a completely silent high school science room. She stared hard at the crisp white paper of her exam, willing her pencil to fill in the little, empty bubble next to the letter D. An answer she knew was as wrong as the grass is green. She didn’t know what to do. Galena’s brain was a traffic stop during rush hour. Habit screamed at her to circle the correct answers, but something deep inside of her said otherwise. Galena was a stereotypical smart girl. She wore glasses and her hair in a smooth, faultless ponytail every day. She loved to read and write and was always taking every advanced class offered at her small school. She had always been the girl with potential, brains, a good head on her shoulders. Those descriptions used to make Galena happy, but then, in her past year or so, had become a massive yoke on her shoulders. Hearing those descriptions left a vile taste in her mouth. Being the smart girl was no longer fun for her. Doing well was what was expected of her, so no one even noticed anymore when she did.
Galena’s friends could always count on her to be reliable as an old Chevy truck. She was always consistent, immutable, at least on the outside. Galena cringed every time she heard herself described that way. All of her friends could be, and frequently were described as fun, athletic, eccentric. But not Galena, she was just plain old reliable.
It made Galena sick to be described in the same way as a laptop, or a golden retriever. For once Galena wanted to be thought of as funny, wild, interesting -- anything but reliable. Though Galena pretended to be irked by her classmates who didn’t seem to care, and never turned in their homework, deep down she was as jealous as a green eyed monster. Galena longed to be like them. She wished she could just let go and not worry so much. She wished she didn’t have to work so hard to keep up appearances. She tried so hard to look like she was happy being the smart, boring, reliable kid, like she believed anything else was a waste of time, when instead she believed the exact opposite.
Galena worried she was wasting her life trying to be perfect and not having any fun along the way. More than anything Galena wished for the freedom to do whatever she wanted to and not feel guilty for doing so.
Galena’s good grades used to be her favorite thing about herself. They were like the butter to her bread. She loved basking in the glory of a perfect score on a test or being top of her class. Consequently, everyone expected her to do well. No one congratulated her when she got a perfect score on a test, or got all A’s on her report card, because they just assumed that she would.
If Galena blew this exam, everyone would be shocked as communists on the fourth of July. Maybe, just maybe they would start to pay a little more attention to her. Maybe she could prove to everyone that there was more to her than brains, and maybe for once she could be a Galena she felt mirthful being.
The test still lay in front of her, glaringly empty. Galena looked around the room, unsure of what to do, and noticed for the first time, a potted tulip, almost ready to bloom. She sat in her chair, reading through the questions one by one.
1. Trees are part of the animal family. True or False?
Galena circled True.
2.The dinosoars lived…
A in the time of the ice age
B when the humans first showed up
C long before human activity
D yesterday
Galena shaded in the letter D .
She knew the correct answer to both of those questions. Still her pencil gravitated toward the most obviously wrong answers on the page.
Galena walked across the scuffed tile, up to the teacher’s cluttered desk, her spirits rising, to hand in her exam; she knew she had failed miserably. But she had never been more proud of herself. Galena was a mountain, never to be forgotten again.
“How did it go?” her science teacher asked
“Just perfect,” Galena Smiled.

Steven Hunley
05-27-2010, 10:40 AM
Consistency seems to be admired if others have it and a drag for the person that has. Your insight into this character is, I dunno, "insightful?" Now I have a clue as to what can go on in the heads of so many over-achievers. For that I thank you. (Oh yeah, good story too!)

hillwalker
05-27-2010, 10:52 AM
So brilliant. You have a cunning wit as well as a way with words.

If you really want to raise your sights I would suggest you go through what you write with a razor-blade a week or so after finishing (i.e. when the story itself is no longer as fresh in your mind). You will amaze yourself how many unnecessary words or how many glaring repetitions you can painlessly remove without in any way spoiling the story.

Just off the top of my head :

Those descriptions used to make Galena happy, but then, in her past year or so, had become a massive yoke on her shoulders. Hearing those descriptions left a vile taste in her mouth. Being the smart girl was no longer fun for her. Doing well was what was expected of her, so no one even noticed anymore when she did.
Galena’s friends could always count on her to be reliable as an old Chevy truck. She was always consistent, immutable, at least on the outside.

Things like this have a habit of sticking out and leaving the reader giving you less credit than you deserve.

Wel done, yet again.

H

J.D. Sparks
05-28-2010, 01:41 AM
I have to agree with hillwalker on this one, and add that, when you go back to edit, you might consider using that razor to cut out the cliches you use. You're obviously capable of turning a phrase (I especially liked the comparison between Galena and the laptop/golden retriever) and I think you're selling your story short when you resort to cliched phrases and ideas like "as the grass is green."

Your story made me smile.

giventofly
05-28-2010, 10:48 PM
I agree with hill and j.d. You have some cliches and metaphors that seem a little forced, but you also have some really great ones. I might also suggest trying to write this in a present-tense, first-person. For me the "Galena sat," "Gelana wished," "Galena was" gets repetitive and takes me out of the story. Try it as a first person narrative and put the audience in the moment rather than feeling like they "missed the event." The ominscient narrator seems out of place to me, especially since this feels more like a confession than a story that should be re-told. Let Galena tell it. It will make her (your) witty quips more powerful if she actually tells them.

Samjulila
05-29-2010, 01:37 AM
Thanks for all of the feedback. It was very helpful. i have reposted my story now as Maybe Just Maybe ~ Revised. I changed it into the first person and eliminated all of the silly metaphors. It was originally written for a class and it had to have a minimum of seven metaphors. It gets a little difficult to think of that many effective ones in such a short story. Please check out the new version and let me know what you think. Thanks again for taking the time to read my writing. It means a lot.

Pierre k31
06-01-2010, 04:40 PM
Yup. H has it, and I agree. Good schtuff Samjulia.

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