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Samjulila
05-27-2010, 08:48 AM
The dusty stairwell filled Nora’s lungs, as she climbed step after step. It was pitch dark, so Nora was forced to feel her way. Her eyes began to water as the stench of age filled her nose. She reached the top of the stairs, and with a deafening creak, the door swung open. The attic was partly illuminated by two gritty windows. Nora took in the magnitude of the project that lay ahead. She and her husband would be moving out in a week, and the attic needed to be spotless by then. Nora picked up an old sheet and headed over to clean off the windows. She was shocked to see a familiar tracing in the grime. She remembered that day perfectly.
“Mommy…. Mommy!” Lilly called.
Nora turned to see her daughter gesturing for her to come over.
“Look what I drew!” Lilly pointed to two stick people crudely traced into the dirt and dust caked window. From what Nora could see, they were holding hands.
“Wow!” she gasped, feigning amazement.
“It’s me and you mommy,” Lilly smiled, her tiny finder pointing to each stick figure in turn. “See, we’re outside our new house!” Lilly spread her arms out like wings and spun in a circle. “I love you mommy,” she whispered in Nora’s ear.
That was eleven years ago. Lilly’s drawing had stood the test of time. It had been there since the day they moved in, and would remain there still on the day Nora and her husband moved out.
Nora peeked into the first box she came across. It was filled with stale smelling stuffed animals.
“Garbage, Nora hummed to herself, placing the box on the far sided on the room.
She noticed a pile of yearbooks strewn across the floor. Nora flipped through them one by one, reminiscing about her younger years. She looked back at her senior picture, and almost laughed. Nora definitely fit the stereotype of the eighties, jump suit, big hair, and all. She had come a long way, gotten married, raised a daughter, and now she would start a new chapter in her life. With Lily moving out, Nora and her husband had decided to downsize.
Nora took the keepsakes down to the kitchen, leaving the garbage into the attic for the movers to deal with. She added all of her attic finds to the piles of boxes that had accumulated in the kitchen. Nora needed to do some more cleaning before the move. But the sight of her daughter Lilly’s high school yearbook caught her attention. Nora picked it up and flipped to the back where she knew the senior pictures would be.
Nora may have been biased, bus she thought Lilly’s senior picture was breathtaking. Her brown hair was cut off in a short bob framing her face. Her blue eyes shined with potential, but also mischief and defiance. Lily never went down without a fight. This may have caused some mother-daughter tension but, but I was a great quality to have. Lily was tough and that was a comfort. Nora needn’t worry. Her daughter would be just fine in the real world.
Lily walked into the kitchen, as if on cue, and plucked the yearbook out of her mother’s hands.
“You see me everyday. What are you looking at that picture for?” She asked, playfully nudging Nora’s shoulder.
With this, Nora’s eyes filled up with tears. “But I won’t see you everyday anymore.” She whimpered, trying to keep it together.
Lily whipped out her cell phone, “Free calling nights and weekends.” She giggled, mimicking the commercial she and her mom has seen so many times during their Sunday night TV marathons. Nora couldn’t help but laugh.
A car horn beeped in the driveway. “Dad’s outside,” Lilly apologized, shifting her weight from side to side, clearly eager to be on her way. “He wants to get me settled in before it gets dark.” She finished, giving Nora one last squeeze, discretely wiping a tear on the shoulder of her mother’s sweater.
With that Lilly pranced out the door and into a new chapter of her life. Nora followed out onto the porch to watch her only daughter head off to college.The family car was so full of Lilly’s things it was practically busting at the seams. Rumpled clothes, pillows, and Lilly’s favorite stuffed animals filled the back seat. A preview of what college life would look like.
Just before the car pulled out of the driveway, Nora saw Lilly huff on the window, steaming it up. In the steam she drew a pair of stick people, holding hands.

hillwalker
05-27-2010, 10:43 AM
Another very assured story - and a nice ending.
I will admit, when I started to read this I was expecting a 'twilight zone' type story - waiting to discover that sadly the daughter was a ghost.....

Good work - except the very first line does create an unsettling image. You might want to rearrange it since it reads as if the stairwell is filling Nora's lungs rather than the 'mustiness of the stairwell' (?) or something along those lines.

Enjoyable story - well done again.

Steven Hunley
05-27-2010, 10:46 AM
This was good too. You get a lot in a short story by making the most of your words. Something about your vocabulary too. (though I'm not sure what it is) keep posting and maybe I'll figure it out.

Samjulila
05-29-2010, 01:40 AM
Thank you for taking the time to read my writing and comment. That means a lot to me. I certainly take into account everything you say. I am currently working on revising this short story and will post a re write soon. :)

rebecky55
06-04-2010, 10:37 PM
I think that your story is very good. You use excellent vocabulary and imagery, and you really seem to capture the emotions of watching someone you love leave. I only spotted a few simple typos too. Great job!

giventofly
06-11-2010, 11:22 PM
I agree with the general concensus... nice little story. I think hillwalker has a good point about the beginning. I was thinking to myself that this was going to be a story where you find out at the end that the daughter is dead. It seems to start out a little too ominous for where the story ends up going. The ending is very cool. I kind of feel like ther should be more in the middle, tho. It just feels a little rushed at the end. I'll be interested to read your rewrite. Good start tho.

TheBearJew
06-12-2010, 07:33 PM
Nice story. First off, please space, as this was an overwhelming read without proper spacing.

Also, I agree with giventofly that the end seemed a little rushed. It felt like you had one anecdote to share and then rushed into the reasoning behind it to make it more of a surprise. I think that if you add a little bit more before the end, even if the ending came as less of a shock, it would be a more comfortable and satisfying piece, as the characterization would be stronger. Whether you add more anecdotes about the daughter, mother, I think some more characterization would be beneficial.