Sleepcreep

[Jerrybaldy]

To sleep, perchance to not wake up
These dreams that overflow my cup
Then grab me by my shrivelled balls
And bang my head on bedroom walls
And tie the sodden sheets in knots
As tales unfold of heathen plots
The darkness overcrowds the room
Removes the air, creates a tomb
The pillow cold beneath his head
Now Satan's here to share my bed.

[Jerrybaldy]

this is my first post

[PrinceMyshkin]

In addition to the opening quote from Shakespeare, there's an echo in this of his devastating Sonnet CXXIX (if i have the number right), that begins



Th'expense of spirit in a waste of shame
Is lust in action...

The ultimate Post coitus omne animal triste poem, and yours is beautifully, economically done.

[hillwalker]

A clever and very enjoyable piece - perhaps with a bit of tidying up of the last 4 lines (where the regular beat suddenly takes a tumble) it could be a masterpiece.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

Princemyshkin. Thanks I will check out the sonnet. Hillwalker, thanks very much I may take your advice and look at the last four lines.

[Hawkman]

This is great fun! Good edit by the way. Can't wait for more...

Best,

H

[MorpheusSandman]

I'm always a sucker for neo-classical poetry and I love how this so quickly descends from the high-art allusion to Hamlet to a very low-level brutality in line 3 onward. I also love the steady rhyme and the potent use of couplets which enhances the content rather than detracts from the reader's rhythm and focus. One outstanding line is the "removes the air, creates a tomb" - there's something about the removal of the conjunction that powerfully drives home what the line is saying; it FEELS suffocating. Excellent work.

[Jerrybaldy]

Hawkman. Thanks. am working on #2 :)
MorpheusSandman. Thanks for your indepthness ;) and kind words
cheers
J