50 ways

[zoolane]

50 pain killers sat someone,
Wait to decide whether take one at time,
Or all to together once,
Desision is take all once,
So down with 1 pint of water.
As person begin feel float feather.
Light wind...

I was have bad day, when I wrote this poem.

[hillwalker]

The raw emotion of the subject is plain for everybody to see. And you have managed to create a cold, matter-of-fact snapshot of someone in deep despair with very few words and no request for sympathy.

BUT..... your grammar lets you down. And readers on the whole find it difficult to handle a piece of writing with so many mistakes even though what you are saying deserves to be shared.

If I may be extremely presumptious I would suggest this simple rewrite - to make sense of it and add a little extra to the mood you took such care to create:

50 ways

50 pain killers.
Someone sitting
waiting to decide
whether to take one at a time
or all fifty at once.

Decision made.
Take them all at once
so down they go with a pint of water.
And soon she begins to feel as weightless as a feather
floating
with only the light wind in her hair.....

I would suggest you read as much as you can - and perhaps get someone to check over your work before posting.
But at least you made an effort and let us all see what you have to offer.

Good luck

H

[J.D. Sparks]

I think Hillwalker's suggested edits are very apt. They still maintain the excellent brevity of your original poem, zoolane.

(And I hope your days since writing the poem have been better!)

[MorpheusSandman]

I'd also echo the idea that the grammar needs fixing, especially the absence of articles which can occasionally be used for effect but feel missed here.