Home Maker

[Hawkman]

Home Maker.

On the river
the Kingfishers are back.
Actinic flashes,
blue against the bank,
where courtship-fired instinct
gives urgent purpose to the male’s task.

He digs,
his tiny body now a drill,
as burrowing up-hill,
he navigates and tunnels
through the soil,
beneath the female’s watchful eye.

[hillwalker]

Indeed, as light and delicate as a kingfisher in flight.

I would, however, pick out one point that I myself have been brought to task over -
the rhyming

his tiny body now a drill,
as burrowing up-hill,

seems so out of place because there are no rhyming couplets elsewhere in the poem.
It sounds strange, but sometimes you have to make an effort to avoid rhyming in order to be consistent (unless right at the end of a particular poem you want to end on a flourish or coda).

And, a kingfisher as a drill (?) puts me in mind of my cordless Bosch.
But with very minor tinkering this could become another gem.

H

[Hawkman]

Hi hill,

When I originally wrote this it was laid out differently, like this:

On the river, the Kingfishers are back,
actinic flashes, blue against the bank,
where courtship-fired instinct gives
urgent purpose to the male’s task.

He digs, his tiny body now a drill,
as burrowing up-hill, he navigates
with skill and tunnels through the soil
beneath the female’s watchful eye.

As you can see there were internal rhymes only. When i looked at it though I felt the line breaks were wrong, and cried out to be divided as it now is. Perhaps I should have left it alone...

Best,

H

[hillwalker]

Decisions decisions.

Actually your 'first' layout looks ok to me. But the final choice should be what you are happiest with of course.

H

[Hawkman]

I'll have to think about it, anyway everyone can see both layouts now.

Been out today filming them. I got some great shots, both birds emerging from the hole and the male buzzing the female as she stood guard outside while he was working. They were in full sun and look fabulous. Good close-up shots. and longshots too. I'm hoping to get a food pass but it aint so easy. I have to be within 10 feet to get the frame fillers. You have to pick your spot and hope, lol.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hi hill,

When I originally wrote this it was laid out differently, like this:

On the river, the Kingfishers are back,
actinic flashes, blue against the bank,
where courtship-fired instinct gives
urgent purpose to the male’s task.

He digs, his tiny body now a drill,
as burrowing up-hill, he navigates
with skill and tunnels through the soil
beneath the female’s watchful eye.

As you can see there were internal rhymes only. When i looked at it though I felt the line breaks were wrong, and cried out to be divided as it now is. Perhaps I should have left it alone...

Best,

H

Like hillwalker I prefer this draft of it and as for the last remark in your post-poem commentary, I submit these three equally critical stages of composing a poem:

1) Write it;
2) Read, re-read and re-write it.
3) Leave the bloody thing alone!

[Hawkman]

Oy! What's that I hear?

Egad Sir! 'Tis the Voice of God

Thanks PM :D

[hillwalker]

I am so envious of you and your halcyon buddies, Hawk. I went up the coast last week as far as Faraid Head - hoping to catch sight of some puffins, but this bitterly cold Northerly airstream that's still sweeping our way has kept them away from their mainland nesting sites so far.

H

[blank|verse]

Blimey, steady on Prince!

As for the poem, I think the first stanza is the more poetic of the two - I liked the echo between 'kingfishers' and 'flashes'. The second suffers from repeatedly describing the same thing a bit too much and could be stronger; and I think hillwalker's point is a valid one.

And 'Actinic' is an interesting word (and yes, I had to look it up!) in the context of a nature poem - radiation that causes chemical change, like in photography (my dictionary tells me). At first I wasn't sure; but it's intriguing as you were photographing the kingfishers (but that's only something I got from your comments and not the poem). Maybe more could be teased out of this word?

[Jesterhead]

I enjoyed this piece, it had great imagery. I think the flow cracks in the last line of both verses may altar the end abit. The latter one seems the most structured, and is easier to read. I liked it.

[Hawkman]

Hi B/V and thanks for your comments. I see what you're getting at with the second verse. I was caught up with wanting to describe the process, where, with such a short poem, to do so takes up too great a percentage of the whole. I origionally had another couple of verses, which I excised for this very reason. What I was aiming for was a Myshkinesque snapshot and I appear to have fallen a little short. I was also conscious of my previous Kinfisher poem and was trying not to be repetetive.

I first saw the word 'actinic' used to describe the special lighting effects of a Stephen Spielberg movie, 'Poltergeist', I think. Better than that hackneyed old electric, I'm sure you'll agree. But A Kingfisher in the sun positively glows blue. They are quite literally, radiant.

Jesterhead, Thanks for stopping by and I'm glad that you found it pleasing. I think B/V nailed the poem's major flaw.

Thanks again to you both.

Live and be well,

H

[MorpheusSandman]

I could really make arguments for either format. The second feels more balanced and perhaps has a better rhythm, but the first appears more compact and gets more impact from the words and images, so I would definitely say go with whichever you prefer. Either way, I quite like what you've got here. I always like poetry and writing about rather overlooked phenomena.

[Hawkman]

Thanks Morpheus I'm going to have a long hard look at this poem when I have the time and will make a considered decision at my leisure. Glad you liked it anyway. been out filming again today and the burrow is about finished now. they'll soon be laying.

Best, H

[Lumiere]

OOOOOoooooh!
I like this.
Especially the last line, (or as I like to call it, the "poe-punch").

I actually like your second layout. But of course, do it your way! (And then "leave the bloody thing alone" - sound advice from Prince.)

Anyway -
do like.
Thanks.

[Hawkman]

Why thank you, Lumiere. I'm glad you approve!

Best, H

[lallison]

I think the first posted poem is the better of the two. For me it has more impact and makes better use of each word. I also agree with hill that the the rhyme for drill and hill seems out of place. Anyhow, its a great poem, very delicate and descriptive. It reminds me of that book, I forget the title, that's famous for all the juicy descriptions of flowers and critters. I also learned a new word, actinic, thanks for that. This is a well structured, attractive poem, with interesting connotations, and one that is pleasant to read.

[Hawkman]

Thanks, lall, glad you liked it. - H