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JBrower
05-25-2010, 03:19 PM
EDITED VERSION:

Suburban grass yields to many feet,
to the creeping expansion of subdivisions,
of pavement spread hot and thick from machines,
the houses and stores rising up over the few
remaining plains, the meadows, the disappearing
expanses of soft green blades.

But when we, you and I, walk
with our bare feet kissing the dry, hot earth,
the brittle grass in your yard,
the blades spring back up to face
the golden sun, rise green and
rejuvenated, freshened by our
naked flirting toes.

When we, you and I, lay to rest
for a moment on the soft grass
across the street, a cool green carpet
encroached by thruways and a primary school –
shuttered for the summer –
the kids and teachers somewhere else,
behind other windows,
under other roofs,
while we rustle together
on grass that's happy to support
young signs of life.

We’re electric, you and I, invisible
sparks raining onto the grass,
seeping into the soil
from wherever our bodies touch,
skin on skin, surging through
our bare flesh like our bare souls
strengthening as our earthly selves connect.
We roll together with energy more genuine
when we come together.

We never need a blanket;
our bodies are hot in the grass.

Come together,
touch me as I touch you,
warm me as the earth cools,
the evening star dropping
and shedding light, sparklers
across the grassy earth,
stars bright like pinpricks
in the dark canvas, shining brighter
with every rhythmic connection
between us. The air swells
with our collective pulse,
the heat of your body on mine,
the power of our souls together,
leaving imprints on this
bare patch of grass between buildings.

PrinceMyshkin
05-25-2010, 03:57 PM
Lovely, filled with robust but tender energy and love!

Could you maybe look for synonyms for 2 of the three "electric"s in the last stanza?

J.D. Sparks
05-25-2010, 04:54 PM
Agreed. A very sweet poem.

hillwalker
05-25-2010, 05:00 PM
Yes - enjoyable, but perhaps a little repetitive in places. I think if you cut out some of the filler it would be a much more evocative piece.
There are some nice lines in here that deserve preserving and bringing out into the forefront of the poem.

H

blank|verse
05-25-2010, 05:01 PM
Well, I think the title is brilliant and perhaps the most eye-catching I've seen on the forum!

Unfortunately, it promises more than the poem can deliver - certainly something more playful - and like Prince, think there's a bit too much 'electricity', which itself isn't the most original image where love and sex are concerned.

There are some great moments in the first two stanzas, but they almost feel they belong to a different poem.

JBrower
05-25-2010, 05:45 PM
thanks for all the feedback, everyone

i wrote this poem this afternoon, and it definitely is still very much a work in progress. I'll take your suggestions to heart

EDIT: if anyone who read the first version would like to read the very slight update i just posted, i'd appreciate feedback on the changes

MorpheusSandman
05-25-2010, 10:55 PM
While there is some really great, sensual stuff here I think it really needs some trimming and structuring. It gets a bit repetitive and suffers from entropy towards the end. My advice would be to go through and take out all of the parts where you find yourself repeating something you've already said in a slightly different way elsewhere. Perhaps force yourself to get this down to three - maybe four - tight stanzas. What I really love about it, though, is that memorial sense of summer love. Maybe it's just because it's recently started to warm up where I am.

qimissung
05-26-2010, 10:46 PM
The fourth stanza is far and away my favorite. It could stand alone beautifully, and would be both sensual and romantic, earthy and tender.

Hawkman
05-27-2010, 04:04 AM
Hi JD,

I think this is pretty good, but I have a couple of observations. The first verse reads like a list. I know what you are trying to say but the poem is about making love in the grass, isn't it? Not about the encroachment of civilisation into the wild. I like the first line and I would put that at the head of the second verse.

"Suburban grass yields to many feet
But when we, you and I, walk
with our bare feet kissing the dry, hot earth,
the brittle grass in your yard,
the blades spring back up to face
the golden sun, rise green and
rejuvenated, freshened by our
naked flirting toes. "

The first line of verse 3:

"When we, you and I, lay to rest "

'Lay to rest' would be better if replaced with just, 'lie.' or 'lie down'

"When we, you and I, lie down
for a moment on the soft grass
across the street, a cool green carpet..."

Apart from that a cracking poem. well done. H