Clad in White

[Amylian]

Hi,

It's been awhile since I've been here. Damn you exams...lol

Anyways, I felt after writing this poem at the university, I should post it here along with other poem, which of course I will post later because I have to go to the university now...

I hope you like it...!!!


"Clad In White"
By
Ali Makki

People clad in white,
Selling food in a university food court,
I wonder what they are on about.
Why two of them are laughing, murmuring, beckoning?
Why one of them is standing alone --bored,
And holding a piece of white paper?
Why one of them is, serenely,
Resting his head on both hands?
Regards,
Ali Makki aka Amylian

[Cunninglinguist]

so what does it mean? enlighten me.

[hillwalker]

It means whatever you want it to, I should imagine.
I read it as a vignette of campus life, the fall-out after receipt of their results perhaps. Or if it is meant to be entirely metaphorical then the colour white could signify a blank sheet. A fresh start for so many students embarking on their new journey into learning and experience, leaving old values and customs behind.

Nice poem, by the way.

[J.D. Sparks]

I like how sparse it is. It simply evokes the spirit of people-watching that I am similarly fond of engaging in at university. I just have a syntactical qualm, and you may very well have done this on purpose and I just haven't noticed the reason, but it would seem a bit more fluid to me if the lines read:

"Why ARE two of them laughing...
Why IS one of them...
Why IS one of them..."

Nice poem.

[dizzydoll]

That is why I am here like you, to learn.... one step at a time.

[blank|verse]

A curious little poem - an original theme to write about, you have a true poet's attention to life - but for some reason it works very well! Good work.

I'd advise you to cut back the punctuation a bit - technically, you're not asking questions, so you can remove all the question marks. In fact, you could change it around so it becomes one continuous sentence, which perhaps works well as it suits the poem, as you're capturing a moment; perhaps like this:


"Clad In White" By Ali Makki

People clad in white
selling food in a university food court:
I wonder what they are on about;
why two of them are laughing, murmuring, beckoning;
why one of them is standing alone, bored
and holding a piece of white paper;
why one of them is serenely
resting his head on both hands.

[MorpheusSandman]

It reminds me of some of Prince's Snapshots; like a little description of the mystery and magic we take for granted in everyday life.

[Jesterhead]

It reminded me of the snapshots too.

[Buh4Bee]

I think mostly everything was said, but I liked the idea of the cafeteria staff dressed in white. The viewer could be a student, who will hopefully not sell food in a cafeteria.

[hack]

It is a glimpse, for some of us a flash of memory.
I like it, it is arranged like a painting. Good work.

[Amylian]

I am glad you appreciated the poem as I wrote it in a moment of contemplation while I was on the upper floor looking down floor at the poeple selling...!!!

Your supportive replies really made my day.

@blank|verse: I will take note of what you have suggested and work on it when I have the time. Nice comment by the way, thank you...!!!

@MorpheusSandman: That's what exactly my Professor said to me...!!! It's like you are on the same page...!!!


Well, I thought to myself why not try being an "imagist" for once and this was the product. By capturing a concrete image, I think I can "revive" or "re-imagine" my cultural and Bahrain Literature in general...!!! I have intentions on doing that...!!!

[milktea]

I'd have to piggyback on blank|verse's feedback. These same words restructured have far more impact. Other than that, I like the simplicity of your poem.

[blank|verse]

I've come back to this one because I wanted to try to understand why it works so well.

I think it works because of the rhythm of the piece and its use of the 'rule of three' in writing, which gives it a wonderfully natural, rolling cadence, which is an important feature of free verse.

The 'rule of three' crops up a couple of times at least. (There's an argument to say the first three lines contain three pieces of information which sets out this rhythm). More strongly, there are the three 'why' thoughts; the first two of these work on an internal rhythm of three, established clearly in line 4 – 'laughing, murmuring, beckoning'. The second has three verbs – standing, bored, holding – which echoes this rhythm.

The last line ends abruptly by giving us only one piece of information, where the reader is led to expect two more – but it's absolutely right that it should be like this. This is a poem about not knowing, not knowing (if you see what I mean?!); it's about questions not answers. The reader is left suspended, like the narrator; and while to resolve the poem with a neat conclusion could work, it could undermine the questioning tone of the poem.

As such, it invites comparison with Keats's famous remarks about Shakespeare's 'negative capability': 'that is when man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.' Amylian: as good as Shakespeare! You heard it here first. Ok, maybe that's pushing it a bit but it's still a brilliant little poem.

(And it wouldn't be a post from me without one minor quibble – two 'food's in line 2!)

But I certainly think you achieved your aim of writing an 'imagist' piece very well, Amylian.

[Amylian]

I've come back to this one because I wanted to try to understand why it works so well.

I think it works because of the rhythm of the piece and its use of the 'rule of three' in writing, which gives it a wonderfully natural, rolling cadence, which is an important feature of free verse.

The 'rule of three' crops up a couple of times at least. (There's an argument to say the first three lines contain three pieces of information which sets out this rhythm). More strongly, there are the three 'why' thoughts; the first two of these work on an internal rhythm of three, established clearly in line 4 – 'laughing, murmuring, beckoning'. The second has three verbs – standing, bored, holding – which echoes this rhythm.

The last line ends abruptly by giving us only one piece of information, where the reader is led to expect two more – but it's absolutely right that it should be like this. This is a poem about not knowing, not knowing (if you see what I mean?!); it's about questions not answers. The reader is left suspended, like the narrator; and while to resolve the poem with a neat conclusion could work, it could undermine the questioning tone of the poem.

As such, it invites comparison with Keats's famous remarks about Shakespeare's 'negative capability': 'that is when man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.' Amylian: as good as Shakespeare! You heard it here first. Ok, maybe that's pushing it a bit but it's still a brilliant little poem.

(And it wouldn't be a post from me without one minor quibble – two 'food's in line 2!)

But I certainly think you achieved your aim of writing an 'imagist' piece very well, Amylian.

I am speechless man, this is too much for me...!!! It's not like I am bragging or anything, but "as good as Shakespeare" really made my heart beat. I am literary saying it. It did...!!!

[blank|verse]

Well, at least I made someone's day on the forum!

Thanks a million, Amylian! (Sorry about that, it's late...)

Keep writing.

[MorpheusSandman]

That was a pretty awesome analysis, B|V! But I guess by now we shouldn't expect anything less, eh?