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zoolane
05-24-2010, 03:38 PM
When Asheley move from eastend of London other part of eastend, She finaly met a young girl that was 2 yrs youngest then her, she live futher long the balcony from were Asheley live and her name was Laura.
Asheley never fit in on estate but never stop her going out try to join in any games that kids were play.
Even though she got calling names, was beaten up few times, she still when out again and again and there was times that in work she play games even footballer and stuff like that.

Laura became Asheley best friend but Laura own homelife was far from perfect, Laura's mum left her dad when Laura was in primary school and Asheley was in 1st yr on secondary school. Asheley and Laura friendship blossom they got in mischieve, start smoking, occassionly drink of alcholic and mixed with kids on estate were Laura now live.

Laura's mum split from her long term boyfriend, one night Laura's mum when out, she met man with ginger hair. One day later Asheley when visit Laura, Asheley shock see the man that Laura's mum met night before here with hes & friends watch football in Laura front room.
Laura didn't seem to mind but Asheley was think it was bit strange and sudden and Asheley used stay that Laura most weekends but then the man with ginger hair start stay and then move in and it seem all very fast to Asheley but she thought same as Laura if her mum happy she should be happy for her.



When Asheley move from eastend of London other part of eastend, She finaly met a young girl that was 2 yrs youngest then her, she live futher long the balcony from were Asheley live and her name was Laura.
Asheley never fit in on estate but never stop her going out try to join in any games that kids were play.
Even though she got calling names, was beaten up few times, she still when out again and again and there was times that in work she play games even footballer and stuff like that.

Laura became Asheley best friend but Laura own homelife was far from perfect, Laura's mum left her dad when Laura was in primary school and Asheley was in 1st yr on secondary school. Asheley and Laura friendship blossom they got in mischieve, start smoking, occassionly drink of alcholic and mixed with kids on estate were Laura now live.

Laura's mum split from her long term boyfriend, one night Laura's mum when out, she met man with ginger hair. One day later Asheley when visit Laura, Asheley shock see the man that Laura's mum met night before here with hes & friends watch football in Laura front room.
Laura didn't seem to mind but Asheley was think it was bit strange and sudden and Asheley used stay that Laura most weekends but then the man with ginger hair start stay and then move in and it seem all very fast to Asheley but she thought same as Laura if her mum happy she should be happy for her.

Laura's dad also had new partner, she seem nice so he move out flat near were Asheley live so naturaly, man with ginger hair suggest they move back to flat so he could have he son to live him again for see future.
So they did which Asheley with help, even she wasn't suppose be out because she bunking school lots and lots other thing, Asheley mum only pusish her when she was have dry spell from be drinking. Most of time drink is only thing that matter to Asheley's mum.

So few years when past, Laura got in with wrong crowd, few time she had other friends stay, the person would said thing about the man with ginger like he dirty old man, Asheley didn't really take any notice but Laura started to steal from him and try anything and everything so she would not be here when he was. Asheley did think that something was not right, she try talking to Laura,
Laura said' everything fine'.

Laura'smum ask Asheley to babysitting for them, Asheley was please that Laura' mum still trust her to lookafter the man with ginger hair son. So Asheley did & stay night in Laura room but in morning if Ashely couldn't get up out of room fast, the man with ginger used come in, made Asheley feel awarkard because hes hand used wonder down pjs, touch her and he fingers used hurt Asheley.
After while she try have chat with Laura about it but she did not or said he did doing that her but begged Asheley said 'not said anything to anyone'
and ask Asheley babysitting for her few times so Asheley felt that had to, try saves Laura and that Laura's mum had done so much to help Asheley in past.

One Morning while Asheley was talking to the man with ginger hair son he said which still hauted Asheley to this day ' Asheley if you want, next time you babysitting, you can sleep on bottom bunk in my room'.
That time he was under ten yrs old but knew what dad was even that young age but Asheley touch by what he said but shock that he alreadly knew what hes dad was.

Laura was Prenancy age 15 and once again the man the ginger hair move them futher away from Asheley but then Asheley had escape parents was mum herself. Asheley did try very hard stay in touch with Laura & her mum but felt it long run it would better didn't she had 1 daughter that time.
Asheley get flashback from experience always the man with ginger hair and feel guilty because should spoke out 15 or more yrs ago.

Asheley contact Laura's older brother to try warn him about the man with ginger hair because hes has 2 daughters, again try to get Laura speak to her mum or brother but know she won't.

Asheley does dreams about it sometimes and always get haunted feeling after she wake up about.

hillwalker
05-24-2010, 04:11 PM
zoolane

First things first - I was very touched to read your story. In so many ways it reminded me of a superb film called 'Fish Tank' which describes a teenaged girl growing up in similar circumstances, trying to find her bearings in life while the rest of the world seems to work against her.

Now to look more closely at what you have written:

- first of all, paragraphs 1 to 3 appear twice (!). Probably you pasted it in one time too many and didn't notice. No worries.

- some people are going to start reading your work then decide to give up because your command of written English is not particularly strong.
That is not particularly important just yet because what matters is that you are prepared to share your work with us.

- you write in a very matter-of-fact style, as if you are chatting to a mate in the street - so for that reason if you did write in precise, grammatically correct English it would not sound as natural

- sometimes you repeat things which make the story sound a bit slow - 'man with ginger hair' does appear rather often and he gets a bit monotonous after a while
- but other times the sparse style in which you write paints a very clear picture of what inner-city life is like for so many youngsters (one day pretty much like the rest with nothing of note ever happening).

- I would suggest two things (after you have edited out the first 3 paragraphs)

1 - trim the story down a bit so that it sticks to the important events, and
2 - find someone to read over it with you and fix the worst of the grammar

Having said that, personally I would keep most of the slip-ups in place because they add to the realism of the piece. I think this is the voice of a real person telling us what a real young girl's life has been like.
It must have taken you quite some courage to share your writing here so I salute you.

H

zoolane
05-25-2010, 05:00 AM
Hi Hillwalker,
Thankyou for comments, try edited and rewritten the story better.
Your couragement will hopeful help written more stuff about 'Asheley and her experience'.