Harmoany

[Delta40]

the bony contours
of her wrists
languish on the edge
of the bath
globules of pain
drip, drip, drip
upon a towel
which cannot hide
lifelessness

[Hawkman]

Oh dear, D40, I hope your're not having a bad day!

I have a slight problem with your use of "Languish." Although languish may be interpreted as, 'to become inert', it also has overtones of feeling, as in depression. To feel one has to be alive, yet you say that the lifelessness cannot be hidden. But maybe it's just me being picky. Very effective though, despite my quibble.

Best,
H

[Bar22do]

the bony contours
of her wrists
languish on the edge
of the bath
globules of pain
drip, drip, drip
upon a towel
which cannot hide
lifelessness

Gosh, "globules of pain", so exquisite, "drip, drip, drip"... I read "lifelessness" here as lack of apparent vitality, but still life... and the towel has not yet absorbed the last drop, has it. The bony contours of her wrists can still grasp the edge of the bath, set the body upright, just one last effort - the returning life will do the rest... please, the protagonist.

Hard to say I "enjoyed", but I did, the beauty. Thanks - Bar

[Bar22do]

and is the title harmoany on purpose?

[Delta40]

yes. I thought about the pain of harm.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I did wonder whether there was such a word as the title until Bar hazarded a guess & you acknowledged her/his interpretation. The languidness of the subject is so effectively expressed in the short, somewhat limp lines.

[Lumiere]

The simple thoroughness with which you encompassed and enriched a scene that is typically torn to shreds when put into poetry is astounding.

This is beautiful.

[hillwalker]

A chilling piece..... left me thinking that there was a blood-tinged razor blade still lying next to the flannel. Or am I being particularly morbid?

[Delta40]

I don't think so. somehow, we are able to envisage such scenes, without going there.

[MorpheusSandman]

Suicide is always a dark subject but I like how you avoid romanticizing it through the conciseness of the lines. It reads really plainly but that plainness allows the devastation of the subject and simple images to gut-punch the reader. Excellent.

[Delta40]

thank you everyone. I am grateful for your feedback, which enlightens me more than anything I could write

[blank|verse]

The title's terrible (!) Delta, but the poem is pretty good.

I really liked the use of 'languish', I think it effectively conveys both the usual sense of how one has a bath, and the darker sense which the poem invites, that the 'dripping' isn't water, but blood.

I think to make this more effective, you could perhaps have picked up on the key rhythmic feature of the poem, the 'drip, drip, drip' and used that to influence the rhythm of other lines; as they stand, they are quite prosey and the constant enjambment encourages the lines to be read quickly. It might be worth (now or in future) trying to slow the reader down, so the whole poem 'drip, drips' down the page, rather than flowing quite as quickly as it does.

But still, short and effective.

[Delta40]

thanks blank. I will consider your useful suggestion.