Exhausted

[Hawkman]

Exhausted, he flopped,
like the first complex organism
to emerge, panting and heaving
from primeval seas upon a proto shore.
Every muscle ached
and his flesh,
bruised from unwonted concrete contact,
pained him in places he didn’t know he had.
His knees were knackered,
cramped calves were corded
and his skin, seared by the sun,
glowed lobster red.
For hours he had laboured for the Shogun
whose unyielding demands
required absolute obedience.
He was a slave and knew it.
There had been a time
when men would do his will
but no longer was this so.
So far was he fallen,
reduced to fitting an exhaust
to his own car.

[Bar22do]

Exhausted, he flopped,
like the first complex organism
to emerge, panting and heaving
from primeval seas upon a proto shore.
Every muscle ached
and his flesh,
bruised from unwonted concrete contact,
pained him in places he didn’t know he had.
His knees were knackered,
cramped calves were corded
and his skin, seared by the sun,
glowed lobster red.
For hours he had laboured for the Shogun
whose Japanese demands
required absolute obedience.
He was a slave and he knew it.
There had been a time
when men would do his will
but no longer was this so.
So far was he fallen,
reduced to fitting an exhaust
to his own car.

You must have recently read Ueda's "Ugetsu monogatari" at least, but gave this poem your modern-world-concern inspiration, your customary irony plus, so generous of you!, a moving touch of compassion!
Doubtless, Minamoto no Yoritomo's reincarnation appreciates! :incazzato:

I would suggest you cut "Japanese" from your "whose Japanese demands" line (self evident), and the second "he" from "He was a slave and he knew it"("He was a slave and knew it" reads better to me), apart from which I read your poem with the feeling it was born of itself and didn't cost you much effort (talent only), the final result is magnificent!

Thanks a lot - Bar

(which all reminds me I still owe you an answer to your question "what's next" in your previous thread...)

[Hawkman]

Sweet Bar, It’s as well we live on separate continents, or I’d be knocking on your door to bask in your generous praise all the time! ;)

I’m afraid the last Japanese book I read was Musashi’s, “Go Rin no Sho,” and that was some time ago. I have misplaced my collection of Japanese poetry.

With regard to your comments on the poem I think they are entirely valid. I will drop the ‘he’ but I need a 3 syllable adjective, meaning ‘uncompromising’ to replace Japanese.

I wouldn’t have called it magnificent myself, but who am I to argue with you! :D

Best, H

[Bar22do]

Sweet Bar, It’s as well we live on separate continents, or I’d be knocking on your door to bask in your generous praise all the time! ;)

I’m afraid the last Japanese book I read was Musashi’s, “Go Rin no Sho,” and that was some time ago. I have misplaced my collection of Japanese poetry.

With regard to your comments on the poem I think they are entirely valid. I will drop the ‘he’ but I need a 3 syllable adjective, meaning ‘uncompromising’ to replace Japanese.

I wouldn’t have called it magnificent myself, but who am I to argue with you! :D

Best, H

Alright alright, let's be moderate (though not in my nature) and say: "a success" :wave:
For the rest, the glow of my praise transcends the continents (I so often change), doesn't it. Therefore bask, bask "to the end of world" and - be well - Bar!

Ah, what about "unyielding", since "inflexible" has four syllables?

[Hawkman]

Yup, I can live with that :D

Thanks, and live long and prosper,

I bask... H

[lallison]

I really like this one too. Especially the simile at the beginning where you compare "him" to a creature who has just evolved out of the ocean. The end of the poem seems to reverse the evolution, where he has become reduced to a creature lower down the chain.

He was a slave and he knew it.
There had been a time
when men would do his will
In this sense it seemed a bit of a contradiction.

The Japanese part seemed to come out of nowhere too. I wonder if you just changed it to a generic "boss" if it would fit a little better. I think you could also break it into three stanzas, the second beginning with:

His knees were knackered,
and the third beginning with:

He was a slave and he knew it.

The narrative you have going here is engaging. It gives one the feeling that there is a much bigger story, so many more details, but we can understand them without having to see them. That's a difficult quality to capture, and I think you've done that well. The verses definitely solicit sympathy for the man's situation, and the exhaust pun is a chillingly effective one.

Gives me the shivers, well done.

[Hawkman]

Hi lall,

Thanks for reading and commenting. The Japanese reference, now deleted stemmed from the Shogun, the type of car, and was me just playing ironically with obscuring the volta until the punchline.

As for the verse suggestion, I started writing it in stanzas but it became too chaotic. It flows much better as a single entity, at least in the way I wrote it.

Cheers, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Well, I'm a bit late to the party and all the praise I would have wished to lavish on this has been expressed. As for the tri-syllabic "Japanese" which has been appropriately deleted, you might of course have substituted "Latvian" - but I don't think they have much in the way of an auto industry.

[dizzydoll]

Finally I got here. I loved this the best:

Exhausted, he flopped,
like the first complex organism
to emerge, panting and heaving
from primeval seas upon a proto shore.

But nonetheless the rest is well written too and deserves the praise it has received. :coolgleamA:

[Hawkman]

Hi Prince, and thanks. The vehicle in question is, of course of Japanese manufacture as implied by its name, though the way car companies name their products is not always indicative of any cultural imperative. As an import into the UK bits are exorbitantly priced and typically non-standard. Glad you enjoyed it.

Diz, thanks to you too. Happy to have been able to paint a primordial picture to your taste, lol.

Best. H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hi Prince, and thanks. The vehicle in question is, of course of Japanese manufacture as implied by its name

Good grief! Of course my reference to "Latvian" was meant as a joke! I have the fragment of an incomplete poem somewhere, in which I refer to someone receiving



a message from God
addressed to you in Latvian
which, somehow, you understand.

[Hawkman]

My Prince, of course I knew your Latvian reference was a joke! However, I wasn't sure if Shoguns were common in your part of the world. I thought everyone on the North American continent drove Hummers! :D

I also remember seeing your quote somewhere in the not too distant past. It always made me think of listeing to British Rail announcers on the tannoy in stations - Completely indecipherable, yet the herd always seemed to be able to discern the intent!

Best, H

[hillwalker]

Another late arrival..... and none the wiser for the delay in responding.

When I first read this poem I had immense difficulty working out what it was about - it suggested a creature some way down the chain of evolution emerging from a Jurassic sea - then you threw in the the word 'knackered' which got me thinking that my wires were crossed - followed by 'Shogun' which for some reason put me in mind of the 'Seven Samurai'.

But now, following further reading, all has become clear. Yet I still believe you were playing with us all for a time.
Very clever - making us earn our reward.

H

[lallison]

Yea, upon rereading it, it's a great poem. The trick is catching the Shogun allusion to an automobile. That's something that can easily be lost, but when explained, all fits together quite nicely.

[Delta40]

omg! At first I read this as a man, sapped of all strength, washed up on the shores of the earth....this felt epic in the way you expressed it and gradually fine tuned the requirements of man down to a specific task. wonderful!

[MorpheusSandman]

You must have recently read Ueda's "Ugetsu monogatari" Or seen Mizoguchi's superb film of the same title! Or maybe read Shogun by Clavell... the whole thing kind of reminds me of John's emergence from the shipwreck in the Japanese village.

Anwyay, I quite liked this piece as well, but don't have much to say in the way of criticism. :)

[hack]

I was thinking Clavell.
Or some demon kamikaze
returning to shore. You
had me till the end.
Good one...peace...

[Hawkman]

Hi hill, and thanks for your comments. Yes, I deliberately strung it out into a sort of shaggy dog story with an ironic punch-line. Delighted to be associated with Kurosawa’s epic, although they were all ronin, no Shogun’s in that story lol. As for making you earn your reward; just so long as it was worth it… :)

Hi lall, glad it makes sense for you now. I confess that I didn’t consider that people might not get the Shogun car reference when I wrote it. That’s the danger of a global audience I guess.

D40 Thank you very much. From someone who’s a master of refinement in complex concepts, I take that as very high praise in deed.

Morpheus, I did indeed read Clavell’s book many years ago and saw the film but I have not yet seen the Mizoguchi film. I will keep an eye out for it. Glad you liked the poem and thanks for your comments.

hack, There was a very funny, satirical BBC radio play a few years ago called, “The Kamikaze ground-crew reunion dinner,” If you ever get the chance to hear it, I heartily recommend it. Glad I had you till the end, as long as I did not disappoint you!

Thanks again for all your comments. Live and be well, H