Romance Through Ink

[Jesterhead]

We too forget to smile and sing
For the gentle wind dove moves silently,
With drowsy head and folded wing
The day I told my love about invisibility.

Never seek to tell thy love
Love that never told can be,
The modest rose thorn so rough
The love for the whole world to see.

What's in the brain that ink may character
Which hath not figured to thee my true spirit,
The spirit that takes me to see heavens orchestra
That may express my love or thy dear merit.

As I in the mighty hall of god lie
Down with a child with the most knowing eye,
Through gazing on the unquiet sky
So shake the Heaven With tumult thundering by.

I break the fetters of my youth
No more I tread thy mystic round,
But leave thy realms for those of truth
Then no longer bound for whom to be crowned.

While fancy holds her boundless reign
And all assume a varied hue,
When virgins seem no longer vain
And even womens smiles are true.

To melt beneath a wanton tear
Romance discussed with deceit,
And think that eye to truth was dear
Thy silly tears can never flow delight.

Had we never loved so kindly
With shame I own,
Had we never loved so blindly
We both die alone.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Surely "dove" in the first verse is meant to be doth? Apart from which you carry out this semi-archaic diction with grace and conviction.

[dizzydoll]

I liked it, very romantic. I think dove fits in just perfectly, With drowsy head and folded wing... a dove is a very quiet peaceful bird, who just watches and I think doves mate for life too. Good job. :coolgleamA:

[PrinceMyshkin]

I liked it, very romantic. I think dove fits in just perfectly, With drowsy head and folded wing... a dove is a very quiet peaceful bird, who just watches and I think doves mate for life too. Good job. :coolgleamA:

But if indeed you did mean "dove" as Dizzy thinks, then "move" ought to be moves.

[Jesterhead]

thank you! and I have corrected the move to moves.

[MorpheusSandman]

This is some your best use of archaicisms - they really fit the old-school romanticism of the piece. As always I have to warn about meter and rhythm when using end-rhymes. You especially have to cut down lines like "So shake the very Heaven With tumult as they thunder by." which reads as a heptameter juxtaposed against the previous line's tetrameter. In general, sequential lines, especially when they rhyme, can't sustain an addition or subtraction of more than 1 metrical foot unless you're really going for some kind of effect.

[Jesterhead]

I could cut down 'with tumult' in that line, that would make it even with the others, but also take abit of the power away, dont you think?

[Hawkman]

Hi jesterhead,

I've just sent you my thoughts on this. Hope you find them useful.

Best,
H

[MorpheusSandman]

I could cut down 'with tumult' in that line, that would make it even with the others, but also take abit of the power away, dont you think?I'd probably rewrite it as: "So shake the heavens with tumult thundering by". This way you remove the superfluous "as they" and you get a nice assonant effect with the "Us" in tumult and thundering reverberating off each other. Plus, the "as they" stretches out the words and takes away some of the power.