My first poem post?

[oldbrownspice]

So um, I write alot of poems but I delete of my computer and phone. but heres my first post. Its about an ex and how I treasured her. Sorry if its really lame. sorry. :p

"You, you never passs my mind,
got me sweatin and gettin my toungue in a bind.
Your love had me fallin head over knees,
and how my friends would tease,
you and I, and I wouldnt get offended because I knew that we were we.
and now, those thoughts, escape me.
for your lips were oh so soft.
and nothing can compare to your eyes, not gold, silver, nor pearl.
And when everybody says " oh no ones perfect"
I would think to say " you havent met my girl..."
but that term im banned to recite,
that, fateful day, I despite.
when you, you thought I had gone wrong
and everythin went LOOOOOOOOONG.... way down tehre.
we then split from each other,
next day, you have another lover?.
this boy who you called your BFF
and from there on, i thought I LEFT
to go to hell,
and somehow I still live to tell
this tale of my heart being scraped and dragged to the ground
and some how, my heart aint clay that i can just mound,
and to love you again, I am bound.,
but I thank you for the least.
because if we havent gone wrong, I wouldnt have learned the lesson you thought me.
that I shoulda listened to everybody around me. and
you cant leave your finger in the door hinge for you might get pain,
Pain, the lesson you thought me cause at the moment, i cant mentain the hurt,
for I didnt treat you like dirt,
and still have the guts to leave me ?
I planned so much for us,
I mean, you and I
goin to places, be together forever until YOU AND I die.
But.........................
Im not gonna lie.
I miss you,
and now, forgetting you, is waht im intended to do.
but thats so hard, when every single moment, you never pass my mind."

[SilentMute]

It's not lame. Even an unromatic like me can identify with it.

Got any about someone who acts like they are interested, and when you ask them for a date--they suddenly mention that they are engaged?

[oldbrownspice]

oh, no sorry. I only write from experience. haaha

[hillwalker]

Ouch.

Not a bad effort for a first attempt. You manage to convey the anguish of a broken heart without sounding too much like a wuss.

Some of your descriptions are very vivid and original - very much your strongest point.

'your eyes, not gold, silver nor pearl' and 'my heartain't clay that I can just mound' I particularly liked.

A couple of times you let your emotions run away with themselves - you seemed to lose total control of the poem from lines 14 to 19 - and again towards the end.
I can imagine your thoughts were in turmoil, but part of writing poetry is learning to express yourself with clarity so the reader is able to fully understand and share your feelings.

The best advice I can offer is to get a pair of scissors and cut away those sloppy parts that describe the boring details of what happened - be ruthless - instead let those wonderfully descriptive passages paint a picture so the reader can see what happened.

Oh, and if you feel adventurous enough, post your revised version on the Writing - Personal Poetry thread. I'm sure you can do just as well as some who already post there, and seeing other writers' poetry will only help you improve.

H

[oldbrownspice]

Ouch.

Not a bad effort for a first attempt. You manage to convey the anguish of a broken heart without sounding too much like a wuss.

Some of your descriptions are very vivid and original - very much your strongest point.

'your eyes, not gold, silver nor pearl' and 'my heartain't clay that I can just mound' I particularly liked.

A couple of times you let your emotions run away with themselves - you seemed to lose total control of the poem from lines 14 to 19 - and again towards the end.
I can imagine your thoughts were in turmoil, but part of writing poetry is learning to express yourself with clarity so the reader is able to fully understand and share your feelings.

The best advice I can offer is to get a pair of scissors and cut away those sloppy parts that describe the boring details of what happened - be ruthless - instead let those wonderfully descriptive passages paint a picture so the reader can see what happened.

Oh, and if you feel adventurous enough, post your revised version on the Writing - Personal Poetry thread. I'm sure you can do just as well as some who already post there, and seeing other writers' poetry will only help you improve.

H

ahhh, thank you !
yeah, like when I wrote this , it felt wrong with the other poems I read.
and now, I realize that I shouldnt include MY own parts but the feeling intended. thank you very much, I'll rewrite some parts too and try to post it on the personal poetry. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

I empathize with the anguish in this but think you strained to make it rhyme as much as possible, and that got in your way.

[MorpheusSandman]

I'd echo hillwalker's advise in editing the piece. But more than the rhymes and the occasional wordiness, I think a bigger problem is how the speaker's mood and tone seems to shift. At times this feels like street poetry or rap ("got me sweatin and gettin my toungue in a bind."), and other times it feels like you're trying to attempt a more elevated style ("but that term im banned to recite, || that, fateful day, I despite."). Plus, some lines don't make much sense like that last one "I despite"? I mean, despite can be a noun meaning contemptuous treatment or insult but it's usually used as a preposition.

[oldbrownspice]

my bad ! haha, im just getting into poetry, im only 15.
anyways, sorry about it kind of sounding like rap or somethin,
I listen to a lot. haha. but thank you guys for the evaluation. :)

[MorpheusSandman]

There's nothing wrong with poetry in the form of rap. In fact, I think there's a lot to be learned from the style - perhaps more than many "old-school" poets would like to admit. It's just more about understanding voice and mood/tone. Since you're only 15 you have plenty of time to learn. I'd recommend checking around your local area for any poetry courses, groups, or clubs and joining up with the intent to learn. Poetry is like anything else in that it's a craft that requires patience and a lot of time and effort to master.

[oldbrownspice]

thanks again, i'll work on keeping the same mood & tone.
but i dont think there alot around my area.
I'll try to find some around the place.

[MorpheusSandman]

If you can't find much locally, there's a great deal that can be learned online. Much of what I learned about forms and rhythm came solely from Wikipedia. There's also a lot of great sites out there that will introduce you to other various aspects. And if you're willing to spend some money there's plenty of books available too. You might check your local library first, though.

[hillwalker]

Or, of course, you could carry on posting here - and check out how other 'poets' express themselves. We could do always with some new blood around here.

[milktea]

Whoa... a modern day Catullus and Lesbia. I sure hope that you'll fare better than he did. >_<

In regards to your poem, the rhythm seems a bit inconsistent. I recommend reading your poem aloud without inflection and at an even pace. If a line seems too long or short when you do, mark it and consider revising. I like the way you referred to your ex as 'your girl' because I'm a fan of Catullus and this smacks of his style. I also like the way you section the poem into happy, angry, and longing phases. I think you should definitely heed some of the earlier feedback about reining in your emotions and taking more control over your poem.

Good luck getting over your 'girl'. And if you haven't already, please read the poems of Catullus. I'm sure they would inspire you.

[oldbrownspice]

oh yeah! i'll check the library sooner or later,
and thanks for the suggestions and pointers too. ^^