The Whip of the Law

[dizzydoll]

Thank you to Walker for helping me. http://serve.mysmiley.net/happy/happy0065.gif (http://www.mysmiley.net)

Edited Version including name change:
To Whip the Law

Women continue to clear
the halls of justice.
They do so every day
with pride, I swear.

But in their path
are greedy politicians;
their only wish to milk
what's ours not theirs.

'No way José',
I hear these women whisper,
this milk will feed our children
and our future.

:coolgleamA:

...

Old Version:

Women continue to clear
the halls of justice down here.
With pride, I do this swear.

Only obstacle in their path,
some greedy men who wish to
continue milking the people.

No way José, say these women,
this milk is for our children
whose future we all depend on.

...

Please advise whatever needs to be fixed. http://serve.mysmiley.net/characters/character0103.gif (http://www.mysmiley.net/free-laughing-smileys.php)

[Jesterhead]

I like the overall theme, except that it is maybe alittle too subjectiv and feministic. The flow makes it hard to read. Verse one is good, but the flow cracks in verse 2 "some greedy men who wish to continue to milk the people". and I have the same trouble with verse 3. I think this need some work.

[dizzydoll]

I like the overall theme, except that it is maybe alittle too subjectiv and feministic. The flow makes it hard to read. Verse one is good, but the flow cracks in verse 2 "some greedy men who wish to continue to milk the people". and I have the same trouble with verse 3. I think this need some work.

Thanks for reading Jester, I am only learning to write so I'm not sure how to rework it, but when Walker gets back perhaps he has some ideas unless there are any other suggestions.

It was intended to be biased, if you lived in Africa with the amount of corruption about, you would understand what good a service women in governance are making towards elimination of this practice. :nod:

[PrinceMyshkin]

My only problem is that once you start with rhyme, as you do here, you're pretty much committed to continue with it, which becomes more necessary when you return to it with slant rhymes in the last verse.

[MorpheusSandman]

Yeah, the use of the triplet (end rhyme) in the first verse sets up an expectation of it continuing from there on. One idea might be to swap slant-rhymes (where the end-words only share the same last consonant) instead of whole rhymes, which might help free you up some. I'd also regularize the meter if you want to use any kind of rhyme.

[lallison]

I like your theme, and the use of milk as a pun works very well. As noted already, I think the rhythm needs to be reworked. Anyhow, it's a nice poem.

[Bar22do]

dizzy, although it does need some mending, it's a nice little poem indeed. I have no objections about its being feministic, on the contrary: there are so many places in the world where women still have to wait to be able to express themselves as well as to decide! Thanks for this reading (for the rest, we are ALL learning here) - Bar

[J.D. Sparks]

I also really like the themes you're playing with here. You're raising very salient issues, but I'd really like it if you could flesh out these issues a bit more. For instance, where is the line "I do this swear" coming from? Who is swearing it? Is it the speaker of the poem? Someone else? (If someone else then you might consider putting it in quote marks). What is "this milk" that the women are defending. It's just a bit vague, when I read it, and I wonder if you might provide just a touch more explanation and concrete detail because it jumps betweem metaphors/settings/persons just a little bit too quickly for my reading.

I also agree with other posters, that you will eventually need to clean up the rhyme/rhythm, but there may not be much point in doing that until your content is fully worked out as well.

I hope you do something with the poem, it seems to have so much potential!

[dizzydoll]

it jumps betweem metaphors/settings/persons just a little bit too quickly for my reading.

I hope you do something with the poem, it seems to have so much potential!


You are most kind, as is everyone else who has offered encouragement. It jumps about cos I'm dizzy. lol.

Walker will be back later or tomorrow, perhaps he could add a word or two or remove a few. lol. It was just that some success stories are floating about, like the women who is in charge of Home Affairs now is cleaning up big time -- and she is fearless, its wonderful. So I thought of expressing my pride for their efforts in a poem.

I do this swear, is me thinking... so I will change it to italic's, thanks. The theme is the law and our future. South Africa has a brand new constitution, with the best taken from other countries constitutions', which lawyers added our bent to make it fit our requirements. It took them ages to work out the finer details which makes strong provision for women in governance now.

When I think of milking anyone its generally a negative. But then milk feeds also, and its necessary for the children. In this case milk is money.

Very kind of all of you. Thanks.

[hillwalker]

Well dizzy - a noble effort. I'm not going to repeat what other have already written.
The theme is simply expressed - mothers and their children are the future of the continent, not the fatcat politicians.
As for the poem itself, the rhythm and/or rhyme does need a little massaging here and there - but contrary to your wishes I will not come to your rescue just yet!!!

[dizzydoll]

Thank you so much Walker, this little poems energy is out in the cosmos now, taking with it goodwill to all those in Africa who think of others in need before themselves. :biggrin5:

[Hawkman]

Hi diz, sorry to have taken so long to get round to this but I've had rather a lot on this weekend and I'm playing catch-up. I definately think your revision is a vast improvement on the original as it flows much better. I also think that you could dispence with the stanza breaks. You have created rhymes between the stanzas but with no coherent ryhming scheme in the stanzas, I think it reads better as one verse, where the random rhymes are detected subliminally and enhance the overall experience.

Good job though, looking forward to more.

Best, H

[dizzydoll]

lol, Walker fixed it... I still dont quite understand why its better but I continue to watch, read and hopefully learn. lol.

Thanks for your kindness and support too Hawk, at least its "out there" to encourage more women to pick up the reigns and become responsible for their own lives in future. :biggrin5:

[Bar22do]

To Whip the Law

Women continue to clear
the halls of justice.
They do so every day
with pride, I swear.
But in their path
are greedy politicians;
their only wish to milk
what's ours not theirs.
'No way José',
I hear these women whisper,
this milk will feed our children
and our future.

Your revision is a GREAT improvement, and I add my voice to Hawk's regarding your poem's division into stanza. Try it in one flow and see how it feels to you...

Now:

"But in their path
are greedy politicians;
their only wish to milk
what's ours not theirs."

needs a little change, IMO, sth like (only a suggestion):

"But in their path
corrupt (I prefer "corrupt" to "greedy") politicians
only wish to milk
what's ours. ("not their" reads to me superfluous)

I like your last line assertiveness!

Waiting for developments, dizzy! and warm regards - Bar