Do you feel more lonely when you're alone or with people?

[SilentMute]

I have been a loner for most of my life. I don't hate people, it is just my nature. People usually really like me. I like other people. I think I do get very tired socializing. I tend to pick up on nonverbal cues. I'll notice that the bruises a woman explains as accidental couldn't possibly be. I'll notice someone else feels like they aren't getting enough attention. I'll notice someone has a crush on another person who doesn't know they exist.

It makes me a good writer, I suppose--but it is tiring. I come home feeling sometimes nauseous--I feel like I've been splashed with mud or stepped on...everything has left a residue or an impression.

I'm getting job training. After noticing that socializing plays an important role in getting on with co-workers and getting promotions, I have decided to be more social. I have noticed something interesting.

When I was a loner, I was never lonely. I was satisfied with my own company and the little interaction I had with other people. Now that I have friends, I can get very lonely--particularly in their company.

My friends are good people--but I feel lonely because sometimes they say things that unintentionally cut me, I sometimes feel ignored, my needs are not always being met, etc.

So, I'm wondering. Is being alone what causes loneliness...or do you need other people to be lonely?

[applepie]

I think loneliness can happen either way. For me, I feel the most alone when I am around other people. It reminds me that they don't really see me. Not in the sense that they're not talking with me, and we are always making polite conversation. More in the sense that they do not know the person I really am or if they do they choose to avoid those topics. I'm mostly used to it by now, so I don't worry over it much. Sometimes, though, when I'm having a bad time at life I wish things were different. There are things I miss about having people close, but mostly I'm good with it.

[keilj]

There are different times of loneliness - but I think the feelings of deepest loneliness come in the presence of others. In those moments, I think there is a feeling of separation that is very tactile becasue you can see those people right before you and yet be so far from them

PS - I just realized that Meg is no longer Thelma :cold:

[JuniperWoolf]

I'm not a loner. I like being around people very much, I love talking to them and making them laugh. There are some people that I find irritating, and some people that I absolutely love (there are pictures of the people that I love in my albums, Dave and Steve and Rosie, etc). Most people fall somewhere in the middle. That said, sometimes I need things to be queit. Sometimes having too many people around making noise makes thinking or reading difficult. I can always read or think with Rosie, Steve or Dave in the room, but that's about it.

When I'm by myself, I don't usually get lonely. I'll sometimes get lazy, or bored. Then I just go do something. If I don't, I'll sit around and fret. There's always this place too, when I'm by myself in real life I sometimes come on litnet. Artificial socialization.

A lot of people are loners by nature, though. Dave is. Like you, Dave doesn't hate people; he'd just rather not be around them. He'd really rather be by himself in his sunny little room, writing, reading, drawing or just sitting there, or out in the woods with me, than out in a big crowd. He never comes out with me when I go to do something social with others that aren't really "our type" of people (his words). His dad is the same way. He says the same thing that you did, that social situations make him feel "dirty," like he just touched something that he finds disgusting. He's only at peace when he's alone. I don't know why he's that way, he just is.

Oh, and I'm never lonely in the woods. There's always something cool to see or smell, or something to do that'll take forever (like carving something into a fallen-log bench, or watching a wolf spider to see how it hunts, or climbing a tree, or picking raspberries in the fall). I recommend walking outside away from other people through the woods to everyone.

[1n50mn14]

I'm not a longer, but I genuinely dislike the majority of people. I am lonely when I am not around other people, and I crave people who I can talk to and be very, very close to, not just be acquainted with. Then, when I am around people, I am still lonely, because there seems to be a very vast gap between them and myself, or at least a vast gap between our current relationship and the relationship I'd ideally have with them.

[stephofthenight]

eh i hate society, and what it has become. i choose not to socialize much for fear of becoming like them. It makes me feel alone in the world that I have morals and self respect. Seems such a rarity with the world now.

[keilj]

eh i hate society

I'm with you


I laugh when I hear JD Salinger described as a "recluse". I think he was just smart

[Maximilianus]

My friends are good people--but I feel lonely because sometimes they say things that unintentionally cut me, I sometimes feel ignored, my needs are not always being met, etc.
I can understand exactly what you feel. It happens when you let people get too close into you.


So, I'm wondering. Is being alone what causes loneliness...or do you need other people to be lonely?
Loneliness walks hand in hand with company, strange as it might sound. People are with you, and they are with someone else at the same time, strange as it might sound, and that's why you feel lonely. Yea, I know, it sounds too weird. Well, life is weird after all, don't you think? I mean, it was never meant to be a really normal subject, because we, divine living creatures, were not really meant to be normal subjects. Oh well, there has to be variety I guess.

[L.M. The Third]

My great ambition in life is to be an intelligent hermit, but lately I've revised that to a hermit living in a hermit colony. It's extremely rare for me to be lonely alone, but much more common in the presence of people, even those I'm fond of. However, people are interesting. I once read a character in a novel say something along these lines to another, "You would not like people so much if you were more interested in them."

So, yes, I'd like to live in a colony of hermits.

[BienvenuJDC]

I have felt alone no matter who is around lately...

[TheFifthElement]

I think I do get very tired socializing. I tend to pick up on nonverbal cues. I'll notice that the bruises a woman explains as accidental couldn't possibly be. I'll notice someone else feels like they aren't getting enough attention. I'll notice someone has a crush on another person who doesn't know they exist.

It makes me a good writer, I suppose--but it is tiring. I come home feeling sometimes nauseous--I feel like I've been splashed with mud or stepped on...everything has left a residue or an impression.

That sounds very familiar SilentMute. For me I'd say I'm not a loner, but I prefer to have very small circle of very intimate relationships. I would be very lonely without my husband, but because he is always there and because I can always talk to him about anything I need to talk about I never feel lonely. Even if I know I'm going to be by myself for a long time, like when I have to stay away from home because of work, I'm not lonely, because I know he's there, and the situation is just temporary. If I lost my husband, though, I'd be sunk. It is a terrifying though.

Friendship, as a concept, means a great deal to me, it is a deep and incredibly meaningful state of being. It involves connection, and intensive listening and understanding of the other person. I can't sustain that across large groups of people. So I have friends, and then there are people with which I am friendly and then there is the rest of the world. And they are all quite different things.

When it comes to crowds I wouldn't say I feel 'dirty', though I think I understand what you mean, but rather I get lost and confused. I also pick up on non-verbal cues, the gap between what people say and what they mean and I pick up very easily, and respond to, other people's emotions. So when I'm with a crowd of people there's too much input, too varied emotions and I get totally overwhelmed. So it is better to be quiet, or to avoid those situations entirely. I don't really 'do' small talk, I'd rather not talk than small talk although I inevitably do small talk at times. But I get frustrated with 'friends' with whom all I ever exchange is surface information. To me that isn't really friendship, because it means hiding, or submerging, what it is that makes me me, and if I'm doing that it doesn't feel like friendship to me. I'm an all or nothing person, I guess.

And yes, I understand what you mean about being left feeling as though there is an impression of people still on you. It is part of why I feel lost, as though I have been overwhelmed with other people and because of that 'I', whatever that is, is buried somewhere and it takes a period of time being alone for me to find myself again. It's probably something to do with control, or perhaps not liking being out of control, or something like that.


I have felt alone no matter who is around lately...
That's terrible Bien. I hope that feeling soon disappears.

[soundofmusic]

Over the years I have found that many people want a fast friendship with daily phone calls and frequent outings, long talks where we tell our most intimate parts of our lives; as they usually think mine is more interesting, because it has been more dysfunctional, they want me to tell more than they do. After a while, they begin to pull away...I'm not who they thought I was; I can't be changed into what they want me to be. Each time this happens, it devestates my ego.

So now, I am friendly; but I limit myself: I don't go to those work picnics, if I turn up at a party, I make my entrance, talk to a few people and make an early departure with apologies of how much I really want to stay...And, in a way, I do.

I think I felt the most lonely when I was married, after those first wonderful months when I saw myself fall, in my husbands eyes, from the pedestal they had placed me on.

[The Comedian]

When do I most feel lonely? Probably in crowds. But as others have noted, that's true only some of the time. Socially, I'm pretty similar to how Fifth described herself: "I'm not a loner, but I prefer to have very small circle of very intimate relationships."

I don't mind being alone; in fact I like it a lot. But I think that the major reason I like it is that I have my family and close friends around when I need them. I think a good circle of family and friends makes those alone times, whether those times are extended or brief, like a mid-day nap: pleasant, refreshing, and indulgent but ultimately directed at being a better friend, father, husband, and individual.

[Maryd.]

I have felt alone no matter who is around lately...

Yes Bien... I also feel this way... The more the people the lonely the heart.:frown2:

[Haunted]

Yes Bien... I also feel this way... The more the people the lonely the heart.:frown2:

True that. Bien, Mary, and all other lonely hearts out there, hope it won't stay that way for long....

as much as I hate crowds, big crowds also offer some comfort as everyone is busy with someone and I wouldn't be noticed at all. Medium size groups (20ish) are killers. They'll certainly notice it if someone is not mingling. How I hate those office holiday parties and summer picnics. That's when I feel alone and lonely.

I mostly prefer being alone, it doesn't bother me. But when loneliness hits, it's bad.... Otherwise I'm a one-on-one kind of person.

[blazeofglory]

First of all I find this post very interesting and it tells of something I always wanted to express. Yes I need friendship and it is very hard to choose a right friend. There are too many we love to share with some of our deepest feelings; and we realize later on that we are still lonely in the crowd. I normally hate to be in a crowd and I do not like parties, particularly formal parties, official occasions, meetings etc. and no people can befriend you or gives you a sense of association.

I indeed feel kind of cared, loved under a certain circumstance and indeed my family really makes me feel treasured. I have a few friends, even on line ones who really expand my world.

In fact not to be able to be merry and feel lonely in a crowd happens when our mental states are like turbulent waters.

I feel it is my weakness to feel lonely in the crowd.

As a professional I try to socialize and be happy with people but mostly I feel lonely and this loneliness happens when I take things seriously.


Over the years I have found that many people want a fast friendship with daily phone calls and frequent outings, long talks where we tell our most intimate parts of our lives; as they usually think mine is more interesting, because it has been more dysfunctional, they want me to tell more than they do. After a while, they begin to pull away...I'm not who they thought I was; I can't be changed into what they want me to be. Each time this happens, it devestates my ego.

So now, I am friendly; but I limit myself: I don't go to those work picnics, if I turn up at a party, I make my entrance, talk to a few people and make an early departure with apologies of how much I really want to stay...And, in a way, I do.

I think I felt the most lonely when I was married, after those first wonderful months when I saw myself fall, in my husbands eyes, from the pedestal they had placed me on.

In fact this is true that fast friends are not reliable and turn up rather self centered. This is also true that fast friendship cannot endure. I agree friends try to get more out of others than what they share. Yet the formula does not apply always and there can be circumstances under which the first meeting can last for ever.

All are not the same and to strike an average also turn wrong. The most difficult thing for me is to judge others by what we see ostensibly. And when we fail to understand this simple truth one is bound to be lonely and indeed thirsty like water and water everywhere but not a drop drink. I forgot the line I read of Coleridge I read in the ancinet mariner in college.
Fast friends can last, SoundMusic and at times long friendship turns sour.

It depends on us to some extent and the other person misunderstand mirrors our own nature or is the reflection of ourselves. This is just my opinion.

[Scheherazade]

I cannot say I suffer from loneliness as such either when I am alone or with other people but I know I wish I were alone when I'm with certain people.

[SilentMute]

:eek:Wow! I don't believe it! You know, I really expected people to write, "What is wrong with you? If you feel lonely with other people--it must be you, or you must have some real horrible friends!" Well, I still feel lonely, but I do feel a little better in knowing that there are other people who feel this way out there.

For years, I was always the type of person that caused my teachers and school counselors to be concerned. I didn't have behavior problems, I probably had more signatures in my yearbook and got more Valentines than the popular kids--so I was liked by my chums. My shyness bothered them, I suppose. They thought it was unhealthy. What is strange is that though I was apparently popular, I didn't realize it and thought the other kids didn't like me because they did tease me. However, while I was miserable when I thought I wasn't liked--I wasn't as miserable as I am now being well-liked.

I did everything that I was supposed to do--going against my nature in the process. I know that sounds like a bad idea...but because I wanted to make myself employable, I really worked on my social skills. At first, it seemed really successful. Then it just all fell apart--and I was wondering what went wrong. I thought maybe I had somehow unintentionally offended my classmates. However, they were still nice.

It seems my classmates--since they come up to my mother and talk about how smart I am--admire me...and this seems to be the problem. I used to be one of them, struggling with this complicated course--and now they don't think I struggle (which I actually do), and maybe they are afraid I'll think they are stupid. I was always glad to help if I could. I organized a Facebook page for the class so they could help each other, made class flashcards on another online site, addressed some problems with the teacher people were afraid to bring to her attention. It seemed to have good results.

I feel very frustrated. I did everything I was supposed to. I did that whole yuppie networking thing--being the person that finds solutions to problems...you know, everything you hear on those seminars that come on TV late at night. I'm trying to figure out whether my problem is that I was too successful. Maybe people like that get hired, but maybe they aren't the people their co-workers feel comfortable going out to lunch with.

That is what I miss. I miss being one of the guys. But either doing the yuppie thing or being admired messed that up. Maybe that was my mistake. I was trying to be what I thought people wanted me to be...and maybe that is what they want me to be, but I'm not the type of person they want to talk about their three husbands with.

Apparently, I've had this problem before. Mom says I came home from school in kindergarten and said, "I don't want to be smart anymore."

[keilj]

I don't really 'do' small talk, I'd rather not talk than small talk although I inevitably do small talk at times. But I get frustrated with 'friends' with whom all I ever exchange is surface information.


George Carlin summed this up pretty well:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DB8wWlPdYRs&feature=related

[hillwalker]

I think loneliness is a lot to do with the circumstances in which you grow up.

I was raised in the back of beyond and had to entertain myself for much of the time (in those days when there was no TV). I enjoyed the outdoor life as well as reading so never got bored.
When my brother, 9 years my junior, arrived on the scene we had moved to a nearby village, TV was commonplace, and consequently he was never able to settle down and entertain himself.

I enjoy my own company (I'm so cute, you see). True, I also like to socialise, but there are times when I would rather sneak out of the back door and come home to my own space where I feel most comfortable.
Of course, lots of people ask me 'Don't you ever feel lonely?'
No. Alone, yes. But 'lonely' hardly ever.
Everyone has different demands for their well-being. I'm happy being who I am without having to second-guess what the person next to me wants.

@SilentMute - you sound as if you were too organised and popular. Lots of people need to feel good about themselves - that they are better than someone else perhaps.
They could never harbour such feelings when you were around.
Don't lose sleep about it. You are you - if other people can't handle that it's their loss.
I suppose you could always act dumb to fit in if you really need to - there's no harm in a bit of role play. We all do it at one time or another.

[SilentMute]

Thanks for the laugh, Keilj!

Actually, I don't mind listening to people's stories. Besides, I think we should listen to people. If they don't get to say it, they join forums and write about it--and it is more painful to read!:lol:

Carlin is wrong, though, about a coma being great. Hearing is the last sense to go--and I bet people love to talk to coma patients knowing that, a helpless audience.

[Shalot]

So far, more people choose "I feel more lonely when I'm with people." Why does this not surprise me.

[soundofmusic]

True that. Bien, Mary, and all other lonely hearts out there, hope it won't stay that way for long....

as much as I hate crowds, big crowds also offer some comfort as everyone is busy with someone and I wouldn't be noticed at all. Medium size groups (20ish) are killers. They'll certainly notice it if someone is not mingling. How I hate those office holiday parties and summer picnics. That's when I feel alone and lonely.

I mostly prefer being alone, it doesn't bother me. But when loneliness hits, it's bad.... Otherwise I'm a one-on-one kind of person.

I'm so glad you shared your insight with us, Haunted. I have always wondered why people like large crowds. When I am in a large crowd, the noise envelopes me. Everyone seems like a blur, people come up to me and I barely recognize them; they talk, I hear nothing except the mass noise. And yet, I can feel that inner need; someone standing in a corner, quiet and yet deafingly loud; screaming of their lonliness. I go up and talk to them; I don't want to, but I do it because it is the right thing to do...then it all begins, what do you say to a stranger, "So, what do you do (How rude is that; it makes it seem like all I value is their employment....no, I just need some quick easy way to get them to talk so that I don't have to...





All are not the same and to strike an average also turn wrong. The most difficult thing for me is to judge others by what we see ostensibly. And when we fail to understand this simple truth one is bound to be lonely and indeed thirsty like water and water everywhere but not a drop drink. I forgot the line I read of Coleridge I read in the ancinet mariner in college.
Fast friends can last, SoundMusic and at times long friendship turns sour.

It depends on us to some extent and the other person misunderstand mirrors our own nature or is the reflection of ourselves. This is just my opinion.
You are very wise, as always, Blaze. I was reminded of a story my husband once told me. He had once met the perfect women, the perfect mate; because she was just like him. He only had two dates with her because "it was like looking into a mirror". I never really understood what he meant until now; but there are times when we avoid our friends because they reflect our ownpain, or the very things we dislike in our own nature.
I like your analogy to the Ancient Mariner; it is a particular favorite of mine.
It shows the fragility of friendship when the tides of fortune change.


I cannot say I suffer from loneliness as such either when I am alone or with other people but I know I wish I were alone when I'm with certain people.
Very well put, Scher. I always feel that way when I am at one of those work meetings...particularly the ones where Betsy gets applauded for her 25 years with the company (though Betsy would have preferred a nice bonus instead of the applauds and I would have preferred a days wages to a mandatory meeting where catered pasta is served):biggrin5:


:eek:Wow! I don't believe it! You know, I really expected people to write, "What is wrong with you?
For years, I was always the type of person that caused my teachers and school counselors to be concerned. I didn't have behavior problems, I probably had more signatures in my yearbook and got more Valentines than the popular kids--so I was liked by my chums. My shyness bothered them, I suppose. They thought it was unhealthy. What is strange is that though I was apparently popular, I didn't realize it and thought the other kids didn't like me because they did tease me. However, while I was miserable when I thought I wasn't liked--I wasn't as miserable as I am now being well-liked.

I did everything that I was supposed to do--going against my nature in the process. I know that sounds like a bad idea...but because I wanted to make myself employable, I really worked on my social skills. At first, it seemed really successful. Then it just all fell apart--and I was wondering what went wrong. I thought maybe I had somehow unintentionally offended my classmates. However, they were still nice.

It seems my classmates--since they come up to my mother and talk about how smart I am--admire me...and this seems to be the problem. I used to be one of them, struggling with this complicated course--and now they don't think I struggle (which I actually do), and maybe they are afraid I'll think they are stupid. I was always glad to help if I could. I organized a Facebook page for the class so they could help each other, made class flashcards on another online site, addressed some problems with the teacher people were afraid to bring to her attention. It seemed to have good results.

I feel very frustrated. I did everything I was supposed to. I did that whole yuppie networking thing--being the person that finds solutions to problems...you know, everything you hear on those seminars that come on TV late at night. I'm trying to figure out whether my problem is that I was too successful. Maybe people like that get hired, but maybe they aren't the people their co-workers feel comfortable going out to lunch with.

That is what I miss. I miss being one of the guys. But either doing the yuppie thing or being admired messed that up. Maybe that was my mistake. I was trying to be what I thought people wanted me to be...and maybe that is what they want me to be, but I'm not the type of person they want to talk about their three husbands with.

Apparently, I've had this problem before. Mom says I came home from school in kindergarten and said, "I don't want to be smart anymore."

It occurred to me that after 2nd grade; my teachers tried to distance themselves as much from me as my classmates did; so you obviously have qualities that are well worth your teachers concern (even if they may have been wrong or misguided) I think I got like 5 valentines (and some were signed by the kids mothers) and I had no friends; so I didn't bother buying a yearbook.
I did, however, have trolls:troll::bigear::alien: who belonged to the friends of popular kids.
When I got older I sometimes networked with yuppies; it got me invited to broom closets...
People always tell me about their 3 husbands; but then they don't want to talk to me afterwards...
I think you are very intuitive and that is such a great help on a job as well as writing...I wish I had a good bit more of it...

Hillwalker, I think you make some very valid points; many of us grew up having to find our own entertainment and use our imagination. Of course, I realized after having my daughter; that some are blessed with more imagination than others. While my daughter had a room full of diverse imaginary friends; I was always bored and at a loss for activity or motivation.


Orphan Pip, It is true that sometimes the ones closest to us are the most oblivious; I sometimes wish we had a mirror into the hearts of our loved ones, but even so; would we grasp their unique needs.


George Carlin summed this up pretty well:

That was great Keilj!



Carlin is wrong, though, about a coma being great. Hearing is the last sense to go--and I bet people love to talk to coma patients knowing that, a helpless audience.

What's worse; they either read the bible or the new york times money section...or they turn on CNN.

[OrphanPip]

I think what makes me feel most lonely sometimes is when a friend or family member says something that is unintentionally cruel or makes you realize how little they really understand you. It's that realization that human beings are incapable of truly understanding each other, even when they're sincerely trying.

[blazeofglory]

I was totally lonely in the crowd; the reason is I have a headache and nothing else. I had the friends, who were indeed close to me, and I did not have to keep formality and they were my old ones. I never had to think twice to chat with him ranging subjects like Cricket to philosophy and to the extent of evetease, something that happens in Nepal and India and mainly it has to do with delinquents. Of course I will feel lonely in the crowd plunged into a situation like this. Everyone has something to share that may interest another human and once we make a breakthrough in communication we will never feel lonely. I like people and at times I like to smile even at strangers and I don't like to feel hostile even to my adversary. It is our mental state that bars us from having relationship. Once we are in relationship, temporary or prolonged we can have a penetration into another human. I do not think loneliness exists thenceforth

[SleepyWitch]

Silent and Fifth have summed it up for me.

I often get overwhelmed when I have to socialize with a group of people that I don't know that well. I don't mind being surrounded by crowds of strangers, because they are 'irrelevant' and I don't listen to them. But when it's people I know well enough to have to listen to them but not well enough to be friends, my brain goes on overload. I try to listen to all their conversations at once and it makes me physically dizzy. The other day we had a party at my Spanish course and for the first 15 minutes I seriously thought I was going to fall off my chair.
I notice all those small details too and pick up on peoples emotions even when they don't talk about them. E.g. one of my colleagues invariably gets cranky when we have to stay at school longer to do marking or curriculum review. And I always wonder whether he is cranky about our boss, or whether I annoy him or whether he is just pissed off because he wants to go home. I like him a lot, but when he gets cranky for no reason at all, I get really annoyed because I think about why he is in a bad mood.

[SilentMute]

I think what makes me feel most lonely sometimes is when a friend or family member says something that is unintentionally cruel or makes you realize how little they really understand you. It's that realization that human beings are incapable of truly understanding each other, even when they're sincerely trying.

Fortunately, mom and I got over that hump when I was a teenager--that is the last thing I need now. It is nice to have someone in my corner when other people get me down--and despite our differences, I can always count on good old mom.

Families are difficult because--I swear there should be a scientific theory about it--inevitably one generation gives birth to its opposite. If the parents go around wearing bedsheets, burning crosses on people's lawns, and saying the n-word and other racist slurs...they are going to have a child that is going to mate with someone who is so black that light can't escape them. I have this theory that if you want your child to become something--whether it is a bigot, president of the United States, a heterosexual football player--you should promote the opposite. If you're the Red Dragon of the KKK, tell your children to be tolerant. Then a parent stands the chance of getting a child they want.

Of course, there also seems to be some scientifc law that around thirty years of age, you find yourself becoming your parents--no matter how much you fight it.:eek6:

@SleepyWitch It is always hard to tell with people. My mom had a problem with her boss. The woman would call her at the last second and expect her to come. The woman would get upset when she was late--but often there would be bad traffic at the time the boss set the meeting. We were always wondering what was with this woman--who wore pasty make-up, long clothing, etc. We thought her ridiculous expectations were due to her being disorganized and thinking it was a perk of being a boss. Then we found out sometime later that the woman was being abused. I guess she never knew ahead of time when her mate would want something, so she scheduled meetings when she could. She didn't want the people to be late because that would get her into trouble with her significant other.

[_Shannon_]

I don't really feel lonely...ever. I'm good with peeps around me; I'm good alone--probably because with my gaggle of children I'm rarely alone, and solitude is a gift of precious worth.

I dunno--I have a gut reaction to the OP. There are introverts and extroverts, for sure- different people recharge in different ways---but in both categories there are people who use their natural tendencies to hide disorder from themselves. We have to be responsible for our emotions and feelings and learning how to effectively and healthfully communicate our needs, wants, etc. If people truly love us then they will hear us as we communicate our feelings and desires. If the people in our lives don't truly love us, then we need to find new people. We are created as social beings, and though we all have different relationships with our social natures I do not think isolation is meant, nor healthy for all but a few exceptional human beings. We need one another.

I tend to believe that most people-whether introverted or extroverted, are very scared of being vulnerable with both others and themselves--and the cost of that fear is a sense of isolation, whether we feel that loneliness amidst or separate from people.

Just my $.o2

[soundofmusic]

I don't really feel lonely...ever. I'm good with peeps around me; I'm good alone--probably because with my gaggle of children I'm rarely alone, and solitude is a gift of precious worth.

I dunno--I have a gut reaction to the OP. There are introverts and extroverts, for sure- different people recharge in different ways---but in both categories there are people who use their natural tendencies to hide disorder from themselves. We have to be responsible for our emotions and feelings and learning how to effectively and healthfully communicate our needs, wants, etc. If people truly love us then they will hear us as we communicate our feelings and desires. If the people in our lives don't truly love us, then we need to find new people. We are created as social beings, and though we all have different relationships with our social natures I do not think isolation is meant, nor healthy for all but a few exceptional human beings. We need one another.

I tend to believe that most people-whether introverted or extroverted, are very scared of being vulnerable with both others and themselves--and the cost of that fear is a sense of isolation, whether we feel that loneliness amidst or separate from people.

Just my $.o2

I think, Shannon, you are probably one of the most fortunate people I know to understand your entire gagge of children and all your peeps. I bore one child whom I love very much and she has my unconditional love; that doesn't mean I understand all aspects of her multi-faceted personality, or that she understands all the rational behind my irrationalities.
I admire people with peeps; because there seems to be a "give and take thing going there". I have people I enjoy associating with; but keep it at a minimum, and people I must associate with to maintain my lifestyle.
I have noticed that interdependance is often misinterpreted as a social bond; but it tends to break when the entities become independent.

[SilentMute]

Shannon raises a good point. I have realized that to some degree, we do probably isolate ourselves with our prejudices and misunderstandings. In fact, I tend to believe that hatred arises from love--because I think you can only hate what you care about. If that is the case, then that explains why bigots often raise children that go against their beliefs.

I really do try to be a tolerant person and embrace my fellow man (and woman). It is vey hard and I'm not always successful. There are a lot of things I don't understand--and that causes me stress and sometimes makes me angry. That is what I am trying to figure out. I thought I was doing so well socially, and I am still trying to figure out if the problem is on my side.

I do realize that people seem to like me very much. I almost get the idea that often whatever hurt they cause--it is unintentional, and probably something they are not even aware of. So I'm trying to figure out how to communicate with them effectively--but I don't know how to get my point across.

For instance, I recently asked a teacher of mine if she would be a reference for me. While she agreed, she didn't sound like she really wanted to. Now, I can understand why there may be reasons why people don't want to be references, and maybe they are reasons you don't want to share...but I felt frustrated. I'm 35, I've never had a job, until now I've never had a social life (so no references). I didn't complete college, never used my former vocational training. All these years, I've been helping my mom take care of my terminally ill stepfather. Aside from the training I'm receiving, I don't have a very impressive resume. The teacher seemed to like me and think well of me, but it makes me feel like she doesn't really like me after all--and I need help, and I feel like nobody will help me.

Sometimes people stress me out. When I was helping my classmate, they distressed me very much. They would call me the night before homework was due and ask me how to take the online test, tell me they hadn't done any of their work--and while that wasn't my problem, they gave me a heart attack. Of course, some of my classmates--I realize later--do have a lot of responsibilities and have to leave things to the last minute. But it traumatized me, because I am the type of person that thinks leaving homework to the last minute is...well...it should be in the Ten Commandments. Thou shalt not leave homework to the last minute--because when you call your friend at 11 P.M. at night right before she is going to bed, she really can't help you. I wanted to help my classmates, but they left things so late that I couldn't.

All right, it sounds petty perhaps. But then again, I find it is those little annoying things that can get to you and wear on a relatioship. But now I wonder if, though I tried to conceal my stress, whether I did react in some way that my classmates picked up...and maybe that is why they pulled away.

I'm driving myself crazy. I realize most of the time, a person causes their own problems. However, you don't understand really what you are doing wrong...and even if you did, you may not know how to fix it. I guess that is why we need to accept our fellow man--because I suppose that is the case with everybody.

I wouldn't mind so much if I could find a place for myself in the world, and I could support myself. That is why this is an issue suddenly. I need to become independent. And I am scared to death that I am not going to be able to get a job--particularly in this economy. Or even if I can get a job, I may not be able to maintain it.:frown5:One of the reasons why I chose medical coding was because I thought I could be in a cubicle somewhere and not have to rely on my social skills much.

[dizzydoll]

I never feel lonely whether I'm alone or not. Silent Mute you should have made a provision for this. I can't vote now. http://forum.thescubasite.com/sad/sad0049.gif (http://www.thescubasite.com)

[hoope]

I think that being alone has been part of me .. i enjoy being alone.. i mean ok i love people but even when am with them .. no one understands me .. no one feels me.. So i guess being alone is much better sometimes.. I think its the only choice we have!

[hillwalker]

One of the reasons why I chose medical coding was because I thought I could be in a cubicle somewhere and not have to rely on my social skills much.

I hope you are able to find your niche in life. Be aware that when you finally enter the world of 'work' your social skills will blossom of their own accord. Ineracting with fellow-employees, no matter how briefly your paths cross, is going to be part of your job. If I were you I should look forward to the challenge - you write with genuine empathy for people which should stand you in good stead.

There are a lot of lonely souls out there whose only pleasure in life is their work - not only does it affirm their identity and worth, it also gives them the only opportunity to meet other people no matter how contrived the situation.

H

[_Shannon_]

I think, Shannon, you are probably one of the most fortunate people I know to understand your entire gagge of children and all your peeps. I bore one child whom I love very much and she has my unconditional love; that doesn't mean I understand all aspects of her multi-faceted personality, or that she understands all the rational behind my irrationalities.
I admire people with peeps; because there seems to be a "give and take thing going there". I have people I enjoy associating with; but keep it at a minimum, and people I must associate with to maintain my lifestyle.
I have noticed that interdependance is often misinterpreted as a social bond; but it tends to break when the entities become independent.

I don't think it's a matter of understanding, rather a freedom and sense of safety to allow them to be whoever it is they are, rather than what I expect them to be---and a commitment to healthy, clear, effective communication, and an establishing and enforcing of positive interpersonal boundaries. They can tell me when something I've done or not done has caused them to feel hurt (or whatever emotion), and I can do the same. I don't need to have intuitive knowledge of other human beings; I can simply ask them why they do what they do.

Relationships enrich our lives-not only from what we receive, but more so from what we can give. If we can't have intimate, meaningful relationships (even if it's only with a few select people), then we are missing out on the greatest aspect of life. All of the brilliant thoughts we have had and with which we have kept company, will matter not one iota if we fail to share them with others.


Shannon raises a good point. I have realized that to some degree, we do probably isolate ourselves with our prejudices and misunderstandings. In fact, I tend to believe that hatred arises from love--because I think you can only hate what you care about. If that is the case, then that explains why bigots often raise children that go against their beliefs.

I really do try to be a tolerant person and embrace my fellow man (and woman). It is vey hard and I'm not always successful. There are a lot of things I don't understand--and that causes me stress and sometimes makes me angry. That is what I am trying to figure out. I thought I was doing so well socially, and I am still trying to figure out if the problem is on my side.

I do realize that people seem to like me very much. I almost get the idea that often whatever hurt they cause--it is unintentional, and probably something they are not even aware of. So I'm trying to figure out how to communicate with them effectively--but I don't know how to get my point across.

For instance, I recently asked a teacher of mine if she would be a reference for me. While she agreed, she didn't sound like she really wanted to. Now, I can understand why there may be reasons why people don't want to be references, and maybe they are reasons you don't want to share...but I felt frustrated. I'm 35, I've never had a job, until now I've never had a social life (so no references). I didn't complete college, never used my former vocational training. All these years, I've been helping my mom take care of my terminally ill stepfather. Aside from the training I'm receiving, I don't have a very impressive resume. The teacher seemed to like me and think well of me, but it makes me feel like she doesn't really like me after all--and I need help, and I feel like nobody will help me.

Sometimes people stress me out. When I was helping my classmate, they distressed me very much. They would call me the night before homework was due and ask me how to take the online test, tell me they hadn't done any of their work--and while that wasn't my problem, they gave me a heart attack. Of course, some of my classmates--I realize later--do have a lot of responsibilities and have to leave things to the last minute. But it traumatized me, because I am the type of person that thinks leaving homework to the last minute is...well...it should be in the Ten Commandments. Thou shalt not leave homework to the last minute--because when you call your friend at 11 P.M. at night right before she is going to bed, she really can't help you. I wanted to help my classmates, but they left things so late that I couldn't.

All right, it sounds petty perhaps. But then again, I find it is those little annoying things that can get to you and wear on a relatioship. But now I wonder if, though I tried to conceal my stress, whether I did react in some way that my classmates picked up...and maybe that is why they pulled away.

I'm driving myself crazy. I realize most of the time, a person causes their own problems. However, you don't understand really what you are doing wrong...and even if you did, you may not know how to fix it. I guess that is why we need to accept our fellow man--because I suppose that is the case with everybody.

I wouldn't mind so much if I could find a place for myself in the world, and I could support myself. That is why this is an issue suddenly. I need to become independent. And I am scared to death that I am not going to be able to get a job--particularly in this economy. Or even if I can get a job, I may not be able to maintain it.:frown5:One of the reasons why I chose medical coding was because I thought I could be in a cubicle somewhere and not have to rely on my social skills much.

Can I recommend for you to check out the book Boundaries from the library? I'm not big on self-help books--but that book helped me to understand better what is my responsibility in relationships, and what is not. It was a good jumping off place for me when I got out on my own and realized that I had no idea what healthy relationships looked or sounded like.

Big hugs!!!! (((SilentMute))) Uncertainty is such a hard, hard place to be! The unknown future can be so scary!

[Scheherazade]

I'm wondering if loneliness is like fear... Others can smell it and the lonelier you feel, the lonelier you are left to be.

:p

[soundofmusic]

It occurred to me that after 2nd grade; my teachers tried to distance themselves as much from me as my classmates did; so you obviously have qualities that are well worth your teachers concern (even if they may have been wrong or misguided)
:blush:Okay, I was reading some of the replies and thinking, "Did I say something rude or what"...I see what I was writing in the middle of the night was not quite how I meant it; I meant, that your teachers saw something worthwhile in you. I was contrasting this to my childhood experiences...:cornut:


I think what makes me feel most lonely sometimes is when a friend or family member says something that is unintentionally cruel or makes you realize how little they really understand you. It's that realization that human beings are incapable of truly understanding each other, even when they're sincerely trying.

Thanks, dear Pip, if that was a heads up...:ladysman:

[Maryd.]

I'm wondering if loneliness is like fear... Others can smell it and the lonelier you feel, the lonelier you are left to be.

:p

I was wondering the same thing...

[hoope]

I was wondering the same thing...

Yea , i wonder too ! sometimes.. !
But it's not really a fear! than a way to protect ourselves. Sometimes people may fear rejection and yes they tend to be alone. But we try to focus we would find that it really could be in us but in the surroundings. In fact there are times that we find good friends and we stick to them .. times that find people that we can easily talk to . There is no lonely person that wishes to stay like that. When a chance comes , when a person comes - we free ourselves from this cage !

[SilentMute]

@Scheherazade--good point.

@Shannon--thanks for the suggestion! Do you happen to know the author, by any chance?

By the way, I just reread my earlier post...I hope I didn't offend anyone. Mom isn't the only one who puts her foot in her mouth when she is trying to be witty about something that has stressed her out in the past! I don't think bigotry or homophobia is a good thing to pass on to your children. I've been amused by what I've observed--though it creates problems that later aren't really funny.

I know several neighbors that really hate black people. Every single one has had a child that has gotten into a relationship with a black man. The Catholic, macho men that I know...every one has a gay son--or one that likes to cross dress anyway. The Catholic family down the street that has eight children--every single child is gay or bisexual. Now, when I'm not thinking about the difficulties this causes for those families (the hurt feelings and such), I think that is really funny! I am writing it down as a future idea to be used in a book! And sometimes I think this is proof that there is a God, and that he wants us to strive to love our fellow man as much as he loves all of his children.

Writing about my problems has actually clarified things, and it reminds me that I should get back to journal writing. I am making a lot of self-discoveries, so it is a very exciting time--though extremely traumatic.

I think the world is in the middle of a shakedown. I think it is probably easier to feel lonely now. I think, when this all sorts out, the stressful changes will bring about good things.

I hope nobody minds me putting multiple posts--I find the forum forgets me when I have too long of posts, so I break up my posts if I think they are getting too long.

As I've said, I'm learning many things about myself. A lot of things, I'm not too happy to learn--though I guess it is good that I know them. I thought I was a really nice person, and lately I've come to know a very different and less pleasant part of myself. This is probably coming about because many racial tensions have surfaced in the area where I live. A recession would bring this up, but it is also due to the fact that we are trying to embrace our ideals.

When Obama became president, it was considered a victory for the civil rights movement...but it also dredged up some of the old feelings of prejudice. What was nice is that finally there was some communication between whites and blacks, and I realized that blacks were a different culture. I always assumed that being Americans, they were just like us...but their experiences with slavery and oppression had shaped their views. I was rather horrified to find out that many of our problems were simple misunderstandings--and that despite how many years we have lived side by side, neither race really understands the other one--even now.

I'm not speaking for all white people. Like there probably is with many cultures, our race is divided into many sub-cultures. I suspect that it is my group that has the most prejudice against the blacks, something I'm not proud of--but I now realize is rooted in cultural differences. In fact, I've started to suspect that part of my social anxiety is due to my upbringing--particularly when I'm exposed to other cultures.

These are some of the ideas I was raised with: Everybody should be independent of each other. Being interdependent makes you vulnerable and prone to exploitation--and it is considered to be a personality flaw if someone is constantly that way. As a result, extended families living together is frowned upon. You should not have more than two children, because you can't possibly be a good parent to more--and too many children makes you vulnerable. A person should have a several good friends, no less and no more. Someone who has too many friends is looked at askance as someone who has too few. Actually, they are distrusted more, because a person who doesn't have any friends may have an excuse for shyness. People who have too many friends are considered to be incapable of forming close relationships. There is a protocol with any relationship--a length of time you have to know people before you invite them to your house, let them babysit your children, etc. You have to know someone at least on a daily basis for a year minimum before you do either. Anybody who wants to come to your house, wants to babysit your kid, or wants you to babysit before that time should be regarded with suspicion.

Now, seeing that, I don't think it is really a surprise that there has been problems between whites and blacks (or at least some of the subcultures of both races, I don't want to apply it to everyone). With the blacks I know, every single thing that in white culture is something that makes you vulnerable or gives you a stigma for being a bad person, is something that seems to be a part of their culture--except in their culture it is considered something positive. The blacks usually think they are being discriminated against for being black, but that fact is that we would fear them if they had the same characteristics and were white--though I admit, we probably do fear those traits more in another race because they are unfamiliar and considered more dangerous. We know our own race well enough that even with the bad apples, we know what to expect and how to deal with them.

I try very hard to be a tolerant person. I consider the possiblity that even if I don't agree with other people's values, it may work for them. However, I was ingrained with my cultures ideas--and I don't know if I can totally recondition myself to think differently. There are some cultures I probably can't marry into, even if I accept and like them in any other aspect of life. I would probably have a nervous breakdown if I lived the way most black people I know do. They have such complicated lives. I have a neighbor who has lived next door to me for ten years--I still don't know how many people live in that house. There seems to be fifty people in a three bedroom house sharing two cars. That wouldn't make me feel intimate or strong--it would actually make me feel very vulnerable.

Actually, some of my stress is that by my own culture's values, I'm a failure. When my stepfather required care after a botched brain surgery that left him mentally retarded, I put my life on hold to help my mom. I thought it would only be for a few months. I did it for fourteen years. While I don't regret helping my family, I feel very vulnerable. I feel like a weak link--and I'm afraid everyone will see me that way and I will never get on my own two feet.

There has been more tensions with the immigrants as well.

While we seem to be getting people from the countries we always did, the group we are getting now seem to be different. They are not as socialized about American culture. They also have more superstitions and are hard to comprehende. I guess it would be nice if someone would think to ask them what is wrong when there is a problem, but that isn't the obvious thing to come to mind. An American thinks they are being stupid or worse, and the foreigner thinks the American is being prejudiced and an a**hole. It is no doubt a cultural misunderstanding.

The new immigrants are scared to death of house flies and lizards. They also are horrified of death--which makes my mom's job as a hospice nurse very difficult. There is a new rule now in many hospitals that if a patient is dying, you do not tell them or their families. Do you know how awkward it is if you are a hospice nurse with a patient and family who doesn't know they are dying? The families get angry with the nurses because they think they aren't doing anything. Their loved one isn't getting better--and they don't want the palliative care that hospice gives. They don't want their loved ones drugged. And because they don't know, they don't make the necessary arrangements. My mom can't leave until the body is picked up by the funeral home--those arrangements are not made. When she tells the people they have to make them, the people don't have any idea of what they are supposed to do. One patient's family came in with a black garbage bag, apparently thinking they would throw the body into the trash can. My mom is under more stress and no longer enjoys her work. While her agency seems to be aware of what the problem is, I always worry that one day she will lose her job--which makes me feel insecure. I worry that I may not do well in the work world.

There are more problems between neighbors when these people move in. The people in back of us own chickens. Now, when you travel to a rural area or even to Davie, you think the people are hard-working, getting back to the land, have good values, etc. When they move to the city into a residential neighborhood and they own chickens--you think they smell, they're dirty, and are probably married to their sister. For one thing, livestock is something that really needs wide open spaces. Chickens are cool, but they smell...and roosters, as it turns out, cannot tell time. They will crow all night.

So, this inevitably leads to, "This is America" speeches. This is America, and in America if we (we represents my neighbors and the ones who I have heard complain, not all Americans--assume this with anything I say in this thread) want chicken--we go to the grocery store or Kentucky Fried Chicken like civilized people. After all, that is the perk of being an American. In other countries, people have to brave the snow and terrorists--and they have to go to different stores to do their grocery shopping: the butcher, the bread maker, the cheese maker. But in America, we have supermarkets! You can buy your meat, yogurt, tampons, tabloid, toilet paper--all at one place, God Bless America! So why are these people coming over here to live exactly as they would in their country?

Except that isn't true. This is the other problem. A lot of times, immigrants wind up living a lot better than Americans. They do often work very hard for them, and they make sacrifices we wouldn't. They have nicer houses, better cars, better stuff, etc. If we ever begrudged them before, they could always make us feel ashamed of ourselves by telling us what they had endured in their country--they were raped, political prisoners, relatives were killed, starving, etc. We don't hear those stories anymore. We hear criticisms that Americans are lazy and that America is a really horrible place. We don't agree that we are lazy, and we don't like them coming over here and dissing our country. Then they always tell us about their lives in their countries...and it makes you wonder why America is considered the land of opportunity, because these stories sound wonderful. In Haiti, for example--the news must lie to us. In Haiti, everyone has a mansion full of servants. They only have to work four hours every day to have this mansion and servants. If this is true, I'm trying to figure out why they gave up their mansion and servants and four hour job to come over here, where yes--they have it a lot harder. When we hear about them having mansions, and yet they come over here for employment--we kind of feel like they are stealing from us. I am beginning to suspect that the immigrants are lying about the mansions...possibly because they sense that they are often looked at as bumpkins, and they want our respect--and they think Americans are impressed by wealth. And maybe many are, but this causes other problems they probably don't foresee. For someone like me, who is worried that I won't get a job--and I am working very hard to get job skills--I feel a little resentful when someone has three jobs, talks about Americans being lazy, puts down my country, and then talks about the wonderful luxurious life they gave up in their country.

Their fears and priorities are much different than ours. I laughed one time. I am deathly afraid of fire, and my immigrant neighbors scare me because they have so many. One neighbor burned down a fence between two properties. Another that owns several houses has burned down three. Yet, they are scared to death of hurricanes and are particularly fearful of my trees. I have lived in Florida all my life, and hurricanes are a joke--often a vacation even. My trees are monsters--but I think it is more likely that my neighbors will die in a house fire than be crushed to death by one of my them during a hurricane. They don't see it that way.

I usually do very well with foreigners. They often like me--and I can usually understand them even if I don't speak their language. It is interesting to learn about other cultures.

However, I do wonder....how much are we capable of understanding? I always thought there was a common thread to humanity--and that there would be an element of sameness in all cultures that would unite us all. However, I am starting to see how different people can be...and I sometimes wonder, even though I really do want to be a good person, can I really accept all these different types. If there is a common ground, it is very hard to see.

I didn't really think about it, but I guess--besides having social anxiety anyway--this is rather a nightmare time. In the end, I think it will all work out for the best--but it is the sorting out that is the painful process. For our society to have come this far already, other people in the past had to go through this, I think. My mom is always amazed that people look back at the sixties as a great time. She thought it was a total nightmare. There was Vietnam, JFK's assassination, integration at schools, Martin Luther King's assassination, etc. That was not a fun time to grow up in, she has always told me.

I imagine that someday, there will be movies and books about this time I'm living in now--and probably people will look back with the same nostalgia. And I and my mom--if she is still alive and mentally with it--will say to them, "Are you crazy? That was a terrible time to be in! Everybody was scared about their futures and p***ed off about everything!

It would be a little easier if the social reform was done in baby steps and not an avalanche...and it would be done at a good time. Social reform always seems to become popular when society is in a crisis.

There is already racial tensions, and then in addition we also are being faced with gay rights and transexuals. Now, I'm not bashing these groups. I believe these people deserve the same rights and respect. However, in trying to do that, it is creating more tension in an already volatile atmosphere. I have heard some people complain, "I am so tired of being tolerant! I have to walk on eggshells with everybody! And the people I have to be tolerant of are not nearly as tolerant of me because I'm fat!"

In the culture I grew up in, a successful heterosexual was a person that removed their sexuality from their life. It wasn't that they didn't have sex, but when other people looked at them--that wasn't the part that got labeled. Mary was head of the PTA, a soccer mom, a superb cook, kept a clean house, was a dental hygienist, was married to Tom, a mother of two children--but nobody would know that Mary was a dominatrix in the bedroom. Even though Mary and Tom had two children, nobody thought about how the two children came into being--even though that is how they came into being. Everybody stuck with the stork story.

I find in the homosexual culture, their sexuality seems to be a part of their identity. I don't know if you are part of a group that has been persecuted, I don't know if you have a choice. But the problem is that when you deal with the concepts of sexuality that are in my culture--even a heterosexual who keeps their sexuality as a part of their identity, they get a bad stigma. A man will be a slimeball, and a woman is a whore. So, I think this is an issue when it comes to gays. People may already be uncomfortable with a person who is attracted to their own sex, particularly if they are the gender the person prefers sexually...but then in gay culture there isn't that space that heterosexual culture tries to breed.

Then there are those little seemingly stupid points that confuse you. If a gay couple are married--are they both husbands, both wives, or do they take the husband and wife title? If they have kids--are they both mommies, both daddies, or mother and father? If it is two men with a daughter--who do you go to when the girl starts her period, and you need to let them know that they need to have "the talk"? It seems ridiculous that something like that could cause so much embarrassment, and yet you don't know where to find the answers...and you are afraid of making an offensive mistake.

And you don't know if the social rules are different. If I am dealing with a heterosexual couple, I know the rules. It gets complicated when I'm dealing with lesbian couples. I'm not interested in anything other than friendship, but--for instance--there is a lesbian couple in my class. They tend to keep to themselves, though they have always been nice to me. One befriended me on Facebook. I sent an invitation to the other, and then wondered if I didn't commit a social faux-pas. If it had been a husband and wife team, and I had befriended the wife--I never would have sent an invitation to the husband. I wouldn't have accepted the husband's invitation on his own either. With the lesbian couple, I preferred to be friendly with them as a pair. I was afraid that a misunderstanding could come up otherwise--particularly since I'm not sure how sound their relationship is. I don't like to be rude, but when I see only one at the school--I don't feel as comfortable associating with her without her mate.

We have a lot of transexuals down here because of the VA hospital, which apparently pays for sex reassignment surgeries. This already causes a problem because in a time where many people don't have health care, people resent that transexuals can get these very expensive and frivolous (as far as other people are concerned) surgeries done. I have to admit--I have watched the Oprah special and done an essay on it, and I can't wrap my mind around this. I don't understand how someone could be so unhappy with themselves that they would mutilate themselves so horribly.

When I thought of people doing it, though, I always assumed it would be men that looked like women anyway. It never occurred to me it would be men that look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. There is a person who seems to be in the midst of a gender transition that goes to my grocery store. As a man of that heighth, he would give you the feeling of safety--he could hold down the fort. Oddly enough, as a woman, he is just intimidating. Then there are the problems with the confusion again. What pronoun do you use? Do you refer to them as the sex they were born as, or to the sex that they change to? Which bathroom do they use--at least when they are in the middle stage? When they wear a dress, it seems inappropriate to have them go into the men's room...and yet if they have the wrong accessories, you don't know if you want them using the ladies room.

It would be very nice when these social changes occur, that someone would think to publish a book--and make everyone aware of it. That is my problem. I really want to be a good person and accept people...but sometimes I don't know how I'm supposed to act around them, and that makes me so uncomfortable that I want to avoid them. And when I feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, I sometimes resent the person that is causing the distress. And it is so easy to be unintentionally rude, particularly when you feel uncomfortable. And I don't feel comfortable talking to the people directly and asking them questions.

Whew! I was long-winded today, wasn't I? I hope nobody minds. I hope I don't sound like a jerk. For weeks, I have been under stress--but when I was trying to sort it out, all my mind did was go, "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I want to go under my covers and never go outside again!" Then suddenly, it was like everything came together--everything I've been absorbing for the last few months. I didn't realize how much was actually going on in my social life. It is pretty eventful.

I don't know if I got off the topic--but actually all of this has contributed to my feelings of isolation. When you don't understand people and have no idea of what to do with them, you feel isolated. And I don't know if I sound like a horrible person being honest about my less than attractive feelings--I do feel bad when I don't live up to the person I want to be. I really do want to be someone that loves their fellow man, particularly since loving my fellow man would be less lonely and less stressful than hating them.

But, oh man, it can be so hard! I didn't know how different people could be! I don't know if I can understand all of them! And when I'm already stressed out about other things, I have to admit that sometimes I just don't think I have enough tolerance to go around.

I can sincerely say--much as I love science-fiction--I hope space aliens don't try to make contact with us in my lifetime. I am already having a hard enough time accepting my own species. I just cannot deal with space aliens too.

[gUfo]

This is my first post. This question made me sign up today. I've been mulling on it and realized that loneliness and being alone are two different things, but they're both decisions. I am alone if i choose to hole up alone. I am lonely when I choose to feel bad about myself for that decision.

I've felt disconnected my whole life. I have thought that I am "me" and you are "you". When I'm at a social event I look around the room and begin looking for differences between me and them. They have this; they can do that better; I am much different and don't belong here. Recently, I've had sort of a shift.

People are a lot more like me, than not like me. They have the same fears (embarrassment, ect.) that i have, and they feel pain exactly as I do. When I start thinking less about I and more about we, I feel a lot less lonely.

~ il gUfo

[Pensive]

I never feel lonely whether I'm alone or not. Silent Mute you should have made a provision for this. I can't vote now. http://forum.thescubasite.com/sad/sad0049.gif (http://www.thescubasite.com)

*seconds dizzy*
Yeah and whenever I begin to feel lonely, I realize I am not alone in that either so the feeling mostly vanishes away before it can properly take possession of me! :)


I'm wondering if loneliness is like fear... Others can smell it and the lonelier you feel, the lonelier you are left to be.

That's so true! :)

[STX360]

the most interesting thing i found about this topic was that, we are not alone in our loneliness. even if i feel deeply lonely, now i know that i'm not alone in that feeling, and in fact, now i realize that i'm not really alone after all !

[SilentMute]

Good lord! How far did you have to go to find this? I'd totally forgotten about it!

[cacian]

eh i hate society, and what it has become. i choose not to socialize much for fear of becoming like them. It makes me feel alone in the world that I have morals and self respect. Seems such a rarity with the world now.

Society is a very big place. Do you mean you dislike certain people?