Night

[lallison]

A sliver of the moon is all we have to see by
and beneath it
opaque water curves like the spirit of an eel

lifting us inside
our boat and sinking us below its hills
one last time

to check the oxygen tightly strapped
respirators
weight belts personal buoyancy devices

before we fall
backwards and descend beneath a dark world
each of us

holding a plastic beam with light flooding a wall
of coral
magnificent rusts mushroom in a circle of illumination

we float
far above the sea floor hidden somewhere
in murk

when we shine we are suspended here by the reef
timeless
looking into the nocturnal eyes of lobsters

and sleeping angels aimless as the current’s grasp gathers
strength
on our forms and pulls us along the wall in a gentle curve

tracing it
through silent depth with no seabed or surface near the end
of our fragile light

and now the unnaturally dense atmosphere
takes us
faster swirling the grains of broken shell

and sea worms
until we are trapped by the uncontrollable pull
helpless

petrified in animation rushing past the vibrant colors outside
our masks
and the terrible new consciousness that we are apart completely

separated
one visible orb of light ahead in the blackness and one
far behind

we battle with no real way of stopping
kicking
and slowing enough to collide in an appendaged whirl

rising up
at a blood bubbling pace we grasp out
bending

towards the shape of the simple rock that could save us only
if we clasp it
with one hand to the coral and the rest locked wrist in wrist

a chain
of night divers extending out through the empty sea we are suspended
here

shining out beams into one another’s eyes the open truth
wavering
one hand on the rock and the rest holding a trust

and hope
of adjusting to the changing pressure as each moment
ticks away

until finally we may rise through the water to the insidious calm
of breathable air
to loosen our masks down to our chins

and hold silent in all but our breath the lapping waves the joy
of the living
and the stars which now seem infinite in such little light

[J.D. Sparks]

I think you have some really great lines in here! Among others, I particularly liked this one: "magnificent rusts mushroom in a circle of illumination." It seems so ethereal, and I think it really sets a tone for the whole poem. For me, the poem was really effective when it becomes less "correctly" descriptive, and when it becomes more imaginative/intuitive/abstract.

But then that almost preternatural quality is sometimes interrupted by the almost oddly clinical descriptions like "the air we breathe is pressurized." Of course, it may be your intent to juxtapose the scientific with the creative language, but if you're trying to do that, why not make the contrast even sharper with more stringently scientific terms? If that's not what you're trying to do, then maybe you could make some of your sciencey sounding lines a bit more poetic?

Just an idea! I enjoyed this poem.

[Hawkman]

lall, I think this is stunning. You had me going all the way to the bottom and back up again. It's fabulously descriptive and undeniably poetic. Great rhythm and pace and I like the alternate and interlocking structure. Absoultely love it. H

[Alexander III]

I agree with Hawkman, I think the structure and the internal rhythm work very well in this piece.

The opening stanza is absolutely beautiful, as if the final line :)

[hillwalker]

Breathtaking, lall, in more ways than one.
I always feel when I read your poems that I am embarking on an exotic journey - one that could lead anywhere, but I always feel safe in your hands. Your language is so vivid that it takes very little imagination to picture oneself right in the centre of the action.

I can't wait for your poem describing climbing that volcano.....

[PrinceMyshkin]

I heartily echo all the positive things that have been said about this, both the poetic quality and the adventure narrative.

I was puzzled, however by your reference to the calm as "insidious".

[MorpheusSandman]

What I really like about this piece is how it maintains a coherent narrative while always giving the feeling that it's pure poetry. It's also so superb in how it really takes us THERE on the diving adventure from the beginning to the end.

[dizzydoll]

Well after everyone else's response I hardly know what to add, except this is one hell of a mysterious octopus' garden. Good job. :biggrin5:

[lallison]

OK, listened to your feedback and did some thinking on my own and have largely rewritten this, although trying to keep true to the original’s strengths.

J.D., That was some great input, thanks. As you can imagine, diving has a lot of technical terminology, some of which I felt was necessary to properly propel the story, but not all was all that necessary. I was trying to create some sort of balance between the technical and the ambient, but you’re right, I can ease up on the technical a bit and already have. I wasn’t attempting to juxtapose anything, but I am trying to take a physical story and pull a greater, more abstract level of meaning out of it. I’m glad you liked the line about rusts mushrooming. An entire poem like that would be quite challenging, but it’s a good idea. Good poetry is challenging.

Hawk, Alex III, Hill, many thanks for the encouragement. It’s what keeps me going!

PM, Thanks as well and glad you enjoyed it. “Insidious” will have to stay until I can think of a better way to imply that while everything seems calm at the surface, there is quite a dangerous whirlwind going on below.

Morph, thanks and glad this one could pass inspection. Your comments are always appreciated!

dizzydoll, an octopuses garden eh. Well, I like that song so I accept the comparison. Water, and oceans especially, are often used in poetry as a metaphor for thought and peering beneath it into the unconscious mind.

Thanks tremendously for the feedback and please take a moment to read the revision. I think it’s an improvement.

lal

[hillwalker]

This edited version is a masterpiece. A spellbinding journey into an alien environment where colours and shapes take on a life of their own - and you guided us there.

Thanks.....

[Hawkman]

Hi lall,

I didn't really see much wrong with the original but it still works fine.

I only have a couple of suggestions,

"weight belts personal buoyancy devices all together"

with this line, I don't think you actually need the "all together" here, the line flows more easily into the next stanza if it is omitted.

"shell oily silt" for me is a bit of a tongue twister. There's nothing actually wrong with it per se, but I wonder if it could be replaced with an expression that isn't quite so awkward. Still a great poem, Thanks H

[Bar22do]

Night Diving

A sliver of the moon is all we have to see by
and beneath it
opaque water curves like the spirit of an eel

lifting us inside
our boat and sinking us below its hills
one last time

to check each other’s oxygen is tightly strapped
respirators
weight belts personal buoyancy devices all together

before we fall
backwards and descend beneath a dark world
each of us

holding a plastic beam with light flooding a wall
of coral
magnificent rusts mushroom in a circle of illumination

we float
far above the sea floor hidden somewhere
in murk

when we shine we are suspended here by the reef
timeless
looking into the nocturnal eyes of lobsters

and sleeping angels aimless as the current’s grasp gathers
strength
on our forms and pulls us by the living rock in a curve

tracing it through
the silent depth with no seabed or surface near the end
of our fragile light

the unnaturally dense atmosphere takes us even
more quickly
swirling the grains of broken shell oily silt

and sea worms
until we are trapped by the uncontrollable pull
powerless

petrified in animation rushing past the living wall outside
our masks
and the terrible new consciousness that we are apart completely

separated with
one visible orb of light ahead in the blackness
and one far behind

we fight with no real way of stopping against it
kicking
and slowing enough to collide in an appendaged whirl

rising up
at a blood bubbling pace we grasp out
bending

towards the shape of the simple rock that could save us only
if we clasp it
with one hand to the coral and the rest locked wrist in wrist

a chain
of night divers extending out through the empty sea we are suspended
here

shining out beams into one another’s eyes the open truth
wavering in the pull
one hand on the rock and the rest holding a trust

and hope
of adjusting to the changing pressure as each moment
ticks away

until finally we may rise through the water to the insidious calm
of breathable air
to loosen our masks down to our chins

and hold silent in all but our breath the lapping of water the joy
of the living
and the stars which now seem infinite in such little light

Oh, I see this too has been edited already. As it is it's beautiful, lall, it's so vivid and directly taking me underwater to my beloved water-scapes which I know only by day... One feels secure with you, it's as if you know precisely what you're doing, especially in a "drama" moment! The solidarity of faint singular lights takes an universal meaning.
This poem qualifies you as acknowledged master in poetry! Excellent, great poem, lall. Thanks so much and sorry to be late. Bar

[_Shannon_]

I heartily echo all the positive things that have been said about this, both the poetic quality and the adventure narrative.

I was puzzled, however by your reference to the calm as "insidious".

Maybe that the calm doesn't match up with the exhilaration/tension of the body and feels out of place??


I liked this quite a lot--I am not a diver, but always kinda have a freak out swimming in the dark--and I think this taps into that fear...

[lallison]

Hill, Bar, Shannon, thanks for your generosity.

Hawk, I agree with your suggestions and have made the changes. Thanks for the help.