The Last Trip

[NisreenS]

Oh, may be I'm going to the sky
This wind is nothing but the fast way
Smooth is the travel, I want to reach now
Black and white pigeons headed to the blue
Grey the clouds are, may be going far
Smooth is the travel, I want to reach now

Tombs on the mountains, or are they trees?
Black and white pigeons flying from the streets
Fast is the travel, the sun's shining away
Cold this wind is, but I like the cold
Closed my eyes are, better than to see
Streets going fast, men hopeless, cold
Thorns growing on water salty and cold

Hard the travel is, the last trip, I hope
Tents become graves, hills are ghosts.

[hillwalker]

There are some fine elements in this poem - some of your descriptions are lively, and the momentum you create is maintained throughout giving the sensation of travelling.

However, the old-fashioned phraseology you use does clash with the imagery and what is essentially quite a contemporary theme -

the over-use of : 'smooth is the travel' , 'grey the clouds are' 'fast is the travel', 'hard the travel is' and 'cold this wind is'

It is a very archaic, poetic form of expression, but out of place in this kind of work and not at all the way people speak. Perhaps in order to make the poem more accessible and relevant you need to give some thought to revamping these bits and bring them more up to date.

But of course, this is merely one opinion. If you prefer to inject some classicism into your work then so be it - in which case, do not overdo it.....

[MorpheusSandman]

I've often advised against archaisms and talked about how they must be used selectively and judiciously, but I quite like them in this piece. For some reason, I think they make the lines feel more weary, and that aesthetic feeds into the overall language of fragmented sentences that read like snatches of thought being used to describe feeling.

[NisreenS]

Hi. thank you Hillwalker and MorpheusSandman for commenting on the poem.Hillwalker, your note about the archaic expressions is something I have not noticed before in the poem, may be because English is not my mother language. But I think if I changed them the whole poem would be different and that would take me alot of time and thinking. Though they might make the poem boring, they contribute alot to the feeling of the speaker who is no longer connected to people and the way they speak as the last trip he is talking about may suggest death. MorpheusSandman, than you very much. I'll read more about archaisms in poetry.