"trip it as ye go..."

[Bar22do]

for Claudine

back from his journey Y

has friends over for the slides
rice fields
Bali dancers
temples
rainbow-coloured oblats
a forest by the beach in the early morning

makes witty comments
he right away forgets

dances a bit
like Balinese women dance
hands and fingers
spreading out into fans

"trip it as ye go
on the light fantastick toe"*

careless about settling
his jet-lagged messy thoughts

then slips under the sheets
once everyone's gone

lying here lazily
he makes no use
of my wanting body

even-tempered yet I plot
a metaphor of the split gates
slides-inspired

impudent he pulsates
with life
so plain in his existing
(o that cheerful throb as he breathes)

right now the only thing he wants is
for me to make his "mocha liquid heaven"


* from John Milton’s "L’Allegro"

[MorpheusSandman]

A very, very interesting piece with a unique use of language. I love the contradictive mood that shifts from observational first stanza to the much more plaintive later stanza. There seems to be a complexity between the speaker's admiration for his "pulsating life" but a deep lament that he seems to be living to much to care for her (at least, I assume it's a her). I'd be curious to here the thoughts behind your diction in phrases like "once everyone gone" (why not everyone's?) or "I plot a metaphor || of the world split gates || slides-inspired" which seem a little big confusing

[lallison]

Oh, it's very good. You know you've got me with anything about Indonesia.

dances a bit
like Bali women dance
hands and fingers
spreading out into fans
beautifully vivid simile. I think it should be "Balinese women." The name of the style of dance you're referring to is legong, but i think your description is fine without the proper name.


Then slips under the sheets
once everyone gone
You need a helping verb here-once everyone is gone
Or you could say-once everyone goes-to keep the same rhythm.

I wonder what you mean literally by:

of the world split gates
slides-inspired
I picture the ornately decorated gates the Balinese put at the entrances to their temples. An interesting fact about those gates is that you're not allowed to pass through them during menstruation.


temples’
no need for an apostrophe here


careless about settling
his jetlagged messy thoughts.
this ends with the only full-stop in the poem, it feels a bit out of place.

I really love it. Love it a lot. I think you are fascinatingly perceptive and artful in this one. Let me try to touch it up for you with attention to the English and punctuation.

Back from his journey,
he has friends over for slides:
rice fields, Balinese dancers, Hindu temples,
rainbow-coloured oblats,
a forest by the beach just after sunrise,

makes witty comments
he right away forgets,

dances a bit
like Balinese women dance,
hands and fingers
spreading out into fans,
careless about settling
his jet-lagged messy thoughts.

He slips below the sheets
once everyone is gone,

lazily lying there
with no use
of my wanting body.

Even-tempered,
I plot a metaphor
using the ornate temple gates
slide-inspired

while impudent he pulsates
with life
so plain in his existing
like the cheerful throb as he breathes,

but in that moment everything he wants of me
is to make his mocha liquid heaven.



Yep, love it. lal

[Hawkman]

Bar, this is a lovely poem. I think lall has nailed any quibbles I might have. Best, H

[Bar22do]

Thanks Morpheus, lall and Hawkman - for your prompt comments and remarks! lall thanks for your "English touch" (I made the corrections) as well as for your suggestions (I'll give them a close attention). For the time being I leave the poem without the punctuation at all (this is how it was born - naked), curious to know if it works this way. Morpheus, I'll get back with the explanations a bit later, for I have an awfully busy morning.
Be well all - and thanks again. Bar

[hillwalker]

Bar this is an ingenious piece. Very descriptive and atmospheric.

I was struck by how the short, sharp sentences (unpunctuated by design) resemble a slide-show - a frame of colour - then blackness - then another image, etc, etc.

and also
'his jet-lagged messy thoughts'

Isn't this exactly what we see throughout the piece?

This gets better with every reading.

H

[Bar22do]

hill, You notice everything! thanks! thanks for your comment. A very good Sunday to you - Bar

[blank|verse]

Yeah, this is excellent, Bar. Another outstanding poem.

I love the stanza breaks of the first part, resuming with verbs, picking up the break of the first stanza. At first, I wasn't sure about the images being on different lines - I see what you're doing, like hillwalker said - but then don't think it should be too tidy either. I have seen poets use 'tab breaks' between words, so you just have a space with no punctuation, which was inspired by old Anglo-Saxon poetry and might be quite effective here (but I'm not sure the LitNet posting system really understand poetry, and removes any blank spaces). So maybe as it stands is best!

My only minor criticism is I found the Milton quote a bit distracting and wonder if it really adds anything to the poem; I'm sure it would be strong enough without it, or with a non-literary alteration.

And there's a smouldering eroticism to the last section, in which you're trying to use your feminine charms to rouse your man to satisfy your 'wanting body'. (Is it warm in here, or...?)

Great poem, Bar.

[Lumiere]

Oh!
This is one of those poems that you read again just for the sheer pleasure of swimming in the language. Beautiful, beautiful - as it should be.


impudent he pulsates
with life
so plain in his existing
(o that cheerful throb as he breathes)

My favorite bit.
Like this a lot, Bar.

[Bar22do]

B/V if I have your blessing for losing punctuation in this one, then I believe I can really lose it... thanks, for this is how I felt this poem should "appear".
Were using tab breaks not so awfully difficult here (if at all possible!), I would have dreamed of just a space between the words!
I'll have to think about the quote (if I drop it, what will I do with the title?!). For as it was, the situation brought Milton in by way of free association as the guy switched from his comically atrocious imitation of Balinese women dance to joyful energetic jumping and stamping to the rhythm...
Now, hmm, eroticism:
"And there's a smouldering eroticism to the last section, in which you're trying to use your feminine charms to rouse your man to satisfy your 'wanting body'. (Is it warm in here, or...?)"
Were you behaving yourself morally here, you would have written "the N"/she" where you wrote "you"! :smilewinkgrin:, but I forgive you, for you are you.:smile5:
Anyhow, and this is also to answer Morpheus, though "she" might have some expectations as to the "proper" continuation of the evening after the party, her companion is extremely predictable to her when he asks her to make him a cup of coffee! all the same, why should she deny herself the pleasure of "plotting" against him a bit, just to tease, using his account about the gate split by Siwa, now split forever (but still leading to the temples...)

o lumière, this is so kind, thanks a lot. I enjoyed writing this little poem so I'm happy you love it!

lall, thanks again for your thorough reading and great suggestions; the dance samples were both women and men', not only legong.
Have you ever been to Bali? It's a magic place they say...

Best regards to you all - Bar

[blank|verse]

'Behaving myself morally'?! Gosh, I feel suitably chastised, Bar! :blush:

The Narrator, The Narrator, The Narrator (x 97 more...)

I promise not to do it again. (Unless I forget!)

I suppose I better let you keep the Milton quote now!

[Bar22do]

'Behaving myself morally'?! Gosh, I feel suitably chastised, Bar! :blush:

The Narrator, The Narrator, The Narrator (x 97 more...)

I promise not to do it again. (Unless I forget!)

I suppose I better let you keep the Milton quote now!

So gracefully repentant,
but what am I really to do now
(with Milton quote, I mean)...
to toss or not to toss: that is the question...
to sleep, well, for the time being I'd better sleep,
lest perchance, awake, I should remember all your sins... :nonod:

the N

[hack]

It was interesting to watch the editing process.
This is a charming vignette, at once sweet and
accusatory. Familiarity's more selfish side or only
a man with priorities? I like the finished(?)product.
It is very good Bar...If Milton helps you sleep then
he must remain...peace...

[qimissung]

I'm not sure if this is what you were going for, but it kind of reminds me of a great big lazy lion, who, having eaten his fill, rolls around on his back, enjoying the sensations, and emitting occasional semi-roars, and the woman waiting nearby, meeting his needs, patiently waiting for him to notice hers.

Very cheerful slice of life and description. Your language full of lively, lovely, exotic imagery, which is what makes this poem.

[Bar22do]

Sorry for thanking you late for your feedbacks, I was away!

hack - pls see the further edit :), below, and thanks so much for your kind input!
qimissung - doubtless you know the N literally rushed to read your depiction to the concerned!!! for your portrait is just him! (in reaction, I was told, he roared with pride and delight! - and then just yawned as is his use where others would blush) - thanks for your charming enhancement qim!

So hereafter is the revision, for whoever might wish to have a second look - ah, I had to change the title (am not sure about the new one), once the quote sacrificed (for B/V's sake!)...



Monsieur est servi!

back from his journey Y

has friends over for the slides
rice fields
Bali dancers
temples
rainbow-coloured oblats
a forest by the beach early in the morning

makes witty comments
he right away forgets

dances a bit
like Balinese women dance
hands and fingers
spreading out into fans

careless about settling
his jet-lagged messy thoughts

then slips under the sheets
once everyone's gone

lying here lazily
he makes no use
of my wanting body

I plot a dread revenge
involving the split gates
slides-inspired

impudent he pulsates
with life
so plain in his existing
(o that cheerful throb as he breathes)

right now the only thing he wants is
for me to make his "mocha liquid heaven"



Best regards to you all! - Bar

[qimissung]

:lol: Thank you, Bar. I'm glad they both liked it.

A good revision; it retains the flavor of the original.