Acedia

[RaoulDuke]

Here it is folks, the first poem I've posted on this forum. Be gentle now...

This toxic inertia, this melange of grey,
This stagnant state of dull decay.

This invisible illness that leaves no weal,
No scab or scar or wound to heal.

If only the rage that burns within my core,
Could spark embers to flame once more.

Perhaps then I would begin to convalesce;
My icy heart would deliquesce.

I would revel in the sunshine, laugh and say:
Carpe Diem; let's seize the day!

But these shackles of apathy weigh me down,
In a torpid sea I will drown.

Forever lost in this colourless place,
This utter void, this vacant space.

This toxic inertia, this melange of grey,
This stagnant state of dull decay.

[MorpheusSandman]

This is actually quite impressive for a first poem! Especially the rather sophisticated use of language. To offer some constructive criticism, when your using couplets you need to make sure to keep the meter consistent. The first two stanzas are in tetrameter with the first utilizing lengthier, ternary feet and the second being in iambs. After that, though, things get rocky. The first line of stanza three, for instance, scans in pentameter: "If only the rage that burns within my core" is -/--/-/-/-/. Sometimes this could be fixed, such as "In a torpid sea I will drown" which reads like trimeter with the central spondee: "--/-//-/" which could be fixed by putting a comma after sea.

[tailor STATELY]

Interesting poem.

"No scab or scar or wound to heal." - I would recommend coupling 'nor' with 'no' as in: 'No scab nor scar nor wound to heal.'

"Carpe Diem; let's seize the day!" - I'm a bit ambivalent about this line.

"If only the rage that burns within my core,
Could spark embers to flame once more." - Ah, there's the rub: rage, anger, frustration all lead to the dark side as Obe-Wan taught us. Hard to see the light when mired in darkness. Good lines though.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm not as much of a stickler for strict meter as Morpheus and thought this throughout a very deft poem and I will look forward to subsequent poems of yours. Welcome aboard.

[MorpheusSandman]

I'm only a stickler for meter when a piece establishes a distinct meter early on and tries to stick to it.

[RaoulDuke]

Well first of all I'd like to thank you all for your feedback, it is much appreciated.

MorpheusSandman - Interesting. Sticking rigidly to a metre is something I've always struggled with, even back at school. I tend to get caught up in my words and images and forget about it. Or rather, ignore it. My response to criticism from my English teacher at school on the subject was to stop writing poems with a regular rhythm and rhyming pattern altogether, but I would like to master it!

tailor STATELY - I understand what you're saying about the Cape Diem line; it sounds very lazy. In truth I'm not really sure about that whole stanza myself. The one thing I don't really like is that I've introduced a "let's" command, hinting at there being more than one person involved, when the rest of the poem is much more introspective.

PrinceMyshkin - Some very kind words, thankyou. I look forward to writing them!

For the moment I'm concentrating on other pieces of writing, but I will bear in mind your points and in the not too distant future I will attempt a re-write. (Hmm... Rewrite sounds so drastic, perhaps a 'tinker' or 'fiddle' is what I will attempt. Anyway...)

[J.D. Sparks]

Well first, I want to say that I love the title! I like how it almost sounds like it could be someone's name, as though you were -almost- personifying your own apathy. (I also love any use of latin words...)

The only line I found really problematic was the "In a torpid sea, I will drown" because it was the only line that really stood out in terms of syntax, and it doesn't seem like you intended this line to stand out as weird?

[MorpheusSandman]

My response to criticism from my English teacher at school on the subject was to stop writing poems with a regular rhythm and rhyming pattern altogether, but I would like to master it!It's really just something you have to practice with. One helpful tool is to learn scansion so you can provide yourself with a visual map of the meter. Since meter is something that's only implied when read, thought, or spoken it's easy to forget about. But if you map it out when writing you will quickly find yourself being conscious of it.

[blank|verse]

This is a good first post, Raoul (given up the Gonzo journalism, then?).

The way to get a grip of the rhythm of a poem is to read it out loud. Unlike Morpheus, I'd say you're writing free verse, so metre isn't relevant. However, you do establish regular four-stress lines, so there is an expectation the stressed word will come at a certain point. Which is why this line stumbles at the end, because the stress comes late, after the stress-less 'within my'

If only the rage that burns within my core,

But there's more freedom this way, and why you can get away with adding or dropping a beat if the line demands. Eg:

Perhaps then I would begin to convalesce;
My icy heart would deliquesce.
'Deliquesce' eh? Have you read Paul Muldoon's 'Quails'? I think that was my introduction to the word.

On the whole, it's generally well-written. I'm not too sure about the 'fire and ice' bit in the middle, and the 'carpe diem' and 'torpid sea' lines are a bit weak, but I think those are outnumbered by the poem's strengths. Keep writing - and reading - poetry.

[dizzydoll]

Excellent first poem. :biggrin5:

[RaoulDuke]

This is a good first post, Raoul (given up the Gonzo journalism, then?).

Yeah, too much bad craziness in that line of work...

I've not read the book you mentioned. I first came across the word in Thoreau's A Plea for Captain John Brown. (They haven't got life enough in them. They'll deliquesce like fungi and keep a hundred eulogists mopping the spot where they left off). It's very short but well worth a read; and a wonderfully quotable peice of text!

What is it that puts you off the fire/ice theme in the middle? I was looking for something to highlight the procrastination and empty wishful thinking that comes with the territory, and the feeling that any strong emotion, good or bad, would be preferable to the melange of grey, regardless of how (un)healthy the result would be.


Well first, I want to say that I love the title! I like how it almost sounds like it could be someone's name, as though you were -almost- personifying your own apathy. (I also love any use of latin words...)

The only line I found really problematic was the "In a torpid sea, I will drown" because it was the only line that really stood out in terms of syntax, and it doesn't seem like you intended this line to stand out as weird?

I actually hadn't thought of the word in that in that light. I chose it becuase of the more spiritual overtones it carries over "depression" and the way it rolls of the tongue so much more easily than "Weltschmerz". The concept of Weltschmerz is such a poetic one; I really do wish Jean Paul had given it a name to match. But I digress...

I see what you're saying about the break in continuity in the syntax, I didn't intend for that line to stand out. I do like the line on it's own, but you're right, it does stand out from the rest.


Excellent first poem. :biggrin5:

Thankyou!

[MorpheusSandman]

Unlike Morpheus, I'd say you're writing free verse, so metre isn't relevant.Consistent couplets kinda imply meter, no? Of course, you can utilize couplets without fixed meter, you still have to be aware of the rhythm and intervals of the end-rhymes.