Million Pieces

[kittypaws]

“You broke it into a million pieces!”
My life, my future lay in the dust.
“I did not meant to do it Mama
Brian pushed me, it’s his fault!”

“Children, children hush and be quiet
I think I can piece it back together.”
But your Father's dust,
I am not so quite sure about.

Brianna showed up with a whisk and pan;
Brian, strangely enough brought rose petals.
And then the three of us
Gathered up my lover and their father's dust.

It has been hard
On all of us;
Sometimes things happen
For a reason.

We placed him in a shell container
That we had found at the shore.
That day was a beautiful memory
One not to be buried or ignored.

As I nested my children and thoughts to bed,
I wondered how life would now be.
No moral support nor comforting hands
Will once again befall me.

But the children need lots
Of love and play and even more stuff.
So with your guiding spirit and light
I will show them the way.

You may be gone
But you still live here.
I feel it, I can sense it;
The four of us will move on.

[kittypaws]

How can I improve this?

[hillwalker]

A really beautiful poem, kittypaws. I was touched by the simple message of how easily love can be lost, yet remain in the heart for ever.

The first four verses are well-written but the rhythm changes unexpectedly at times (the first lines of the first three verses seem a bit too long).
But from verse five onwards you really get in your stride and the poem flows very naturally from that point on.

Verse four itelf, although shorter than the rest, is fine as it is. A kind of pause for thought.

Nicely done.

H

[tailor STATELY]

Lots of potential here.

A few things come to my mind.

"But your Father's dust," - perhaps 'ashes' for 'dust'.

"Gathered up my lover and their father's dust." - 'dust' here seems to work fine.

"It has been hard On all of us; Sometimes things happen For a reason." - this seems to me to be a bit trite. I would suggest re-working or dropping.

"As I nested my children and thoughts to bed,
I wondered how life would now be.
No moral support nor comforting hands
Will once again befall me." - confuses me a little with the musing of how life might have been and then the realization of the now and future abruptly following. Perhaps work (add) another 2-lines with the musings of what might have been - then a break and work in the feeling of hopelessness in another with 2-lines to support (does this make sense?)
ie:
"As I nested my children and thoughts to bed,
I wondered how life would now be."
[Something to contribute to
the above sentiment]

[Something to contribute to
the following sentiment]
"No moral support nor comforting hands
Will once again befall me."

"But the children need lots" - perhaps the word 'the' could be dropped.

"Of love and play and even more stuff." - I think that the word 'stuff' could be dropped without harming the line.

Thank you for sharing.

[Bar22do]

Kittypaws,

I've re-read all your thread, I think you have a great potential for rhythm and concision, you're a poet at soul.
Your genuine, straightforward writing unveils your underlying wisdom and philosophy of life (yours so young!). It's all very promising; never lose your simplicity! Grow and soar, you really have all that is needed for that. And you have so much to offer, to share.

I add my endorsement to the others' and am with tStately's critique, in case you wanted to revise your poem.

For the rest, love doesn't belong to TIME. It is.

Thanks for your poem and I wish you a wonderful continuation as a poet, as a human being, and a unique one.

Bar

[kittypaws]

H, tailor and Bar...thank you for your input.

I will re-work this one. I did struggle with some of it. I find your thoughts very helpful.

Peace to you and enjoy the day.

[blank|verse]

Yes, there are a lot of things right about this poem, kitty - the dramatic opening (in medias res to us critic-types) grabs the reader's attention, and the narrative unfolds nicely from there, reflecting on the thoughts stirred by the accident.

Like hillwalker said, you could do with deciding on the form of the poem - whether you're going to use metre or a set rhyme scheme even, and sticking to that throughout; some of the lines read more like prose (eg. stanza 3) because of the different line lengths.

And like tailor, I'm not too keen on stanza 4, so I think that needs bit of work.

But overall, it's a good effort so keep writing!

[Hawkman]

Hi kittypaws, I just want to add my endorsement to what has already been said vis this poem. A little room for improvement perhaps, but not much.

Really nice, thanks.

[MorpheusSandman]

There is definitely potential here. One thing to watch out for is unintended repetition, like using dust three times in the first three stanzas. Another thing that B/V touched on was deciding what form to use and being consistent or, if you do change, knowing why you're changing and for what effect. You also want to watch out for how it all flows together. For instance, the first three stanzas start out telling a coherent narrative, but then the fourth shifts to commenting on the events, and then you shift back to relating the narrative. When you make major shifts like that it's always important that they're significant and not arbitrary, and here I think it adds to little while breaking up the flow of the event you're describing. You might try moving it to the end but, honestly, I think many times these things are best left implied rather than stated. Also, avoid phrases like "and even more stuff" which is so plain and ordinary and really tells us nothing about anything.

[kittypaws]

OK...I have been working on this piece. I hope I improved it...sometimes I feel the more time I spend on it the worst it gets. I lose my feeling for the write.

I shall post it in a new thread

[kittypaws]

“You broke it into a million pieces!”
My life, my future lay in the dust.
“I did not meant to do it Mama
Brian pushed me, it’s his fault!”

“Children, children hush, be quiet
I can piece it back together.”
But your Father's ashes,
I am not so quite sure about.

Brianna showed up with a whisk and pan;
Brian, strangely enough brought rose petals.
And then the three of us
Gathered up my lover and their father's dust.

It has been hard on all of us;
Some things happen for a reason.
We know not at the moment why,
But time will tell us its’ rhyme.

We placed him in a shell container
That we had found at the shore.
That day was a beautiful memory
One not to be buried or ignored.

As I nested our children and thoughts to bed,
I wondered how life would now be.
I shall miss your presence and your touch
Your support and soul so much.

Your beliefs and thoughts will carry us,
Into the land of your dreams.
As you had so much to offer;
So many plans for your family.

The children still need a lot of love
And our attention and praise.
So with your guiding spirit and light
I will show them the way.

You may be gone, but still live here.
I feel it, I can sense it;
The four of us will move on.
Like the waves that break upon the shore.

[dizzydoll]

Hello kitty, as you see once your poem is submitted to these guys, so the real work begins. They are slave drivers I say, lets hang them all.... joking, joking. lol. Well now, like you I await their feedback and like you I learn from all.

I enjoy whatever it placed on these pages, so good job.

[tailor STATELY]

Wow - nice rewrite.

re: "But time will tell us its’ rhyme." - I do not believe the (') is necessary for its in this case (would indicate a possessive-plural for a word that has no plural in this form, I believe. The site's spell checker doesn't seem to like its' at all - and Google appears to agree.

The poem flows more coherently in your rewrite; and so tender in its telling.

Well done.

[MorpheusSandman]

I too prefer the re-write, though I would still make a few suggestions: the 4th stanza still feels out of place where it is. It interrupts the story to comment on it. I'd either move this to the end, the beginning, or remove it altogether. Sometimes when editing a piece you have to take out good things that just don't gel with everything else. I'd reword "We know not at the moment why" to "In the moment, we don't know why". The archaic diction doesn't fit with this piece. Also, it's "its" and not "its'". I'd also recommend removing the penultimate stanza. It still seems so general compared to the distinct and personal nature of the rest of the poem.