Shine

[TheEarthIsRound]

Shall I love you for the Mirrored May,
Thou keep me wait a winter in maze.
Cool breeze and baked me wish your tender embrace,
I should no longer mingle thoughts, my mate.
A lot of things happened when you were gone those days,
Our roads did deviate, and the landscape not the same.

As usual, you left
Dark gyre of thoughts and grayish mood,
Rainy indoor wondering what to do,
There was withering everywhere,
And cold breeze kept my skin old as a rough bough.
It was dark and cold and damp
And I was in the philosophical whirlpool
With the supplication of a dead man’s hand.

But now you’ve come with the lovely May,
The Darkness is gone with your pervading Rays,
The lives present for a play
The Dark Corners at bay.
Children, kites, river water, air with gold everywhere
The grass is my cradle bed.
As our roads cross again, you shine all the illusions away.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Marvelous how you managed the language of a Shakespearean sonnet without ever sounding like anything but a sincere, contemporary lover.

[MorpheusSandman]

I love much of the language and the deep romance of the piece but I think the form and rhythm could use a bit work. Some lines are too long and others a bit too short. It's always important to note especially how the rhythm of one line effects how the next one is read. While you need to keep an eye on rhythm as a whole, juxtaposed lines are especially important since they most immediately effect each other. Especially when you're using some archaic diction and more flowery language, which is fine in and of itself, but in reading it you don't want to trip your audience up as well.

[TheEarthIsRound]

Thank you both for the comments, I appreciate them very much. As always, I'll try to experiment new stuffs and improve within my limited capacities =)

[TheEarthIsRound]

I think the form and rhythm could use a bit work. Some lines are too long and others a bit too short. It's always important to note especially how the rhythm of one line effects how the next one is read. While you need to keep an eye on rhythm as a whole, juxtaposed lines are especially important since they most immediately effect each other. Especially when you're using some archaic diction and more flowery language, which is fine in and of itself, but in reading it you don't want to trip your audience up as well.




The lives present for a play
The Dark Corners at bay.
Children, kites, river water, air with gold everywhere
The grass is my cradle bed.
As our roads cross again, you shine all the illusions away.

Especially these last few sentences, very much a cacophony now I am to review it. I'll try to come up with something else soon... But, if it being convenient, may I take reference from you how this passage can be changed?
Thx.

[MorpheusSandman]

Depends on which ones you want to keep as is or if you just want to completely overhall them. The first two lines aren't bad, but could be evened out if you simply added a syllable before "bay" like "the" which would allow both to scan: -//-/-/

These scan as tetrameter and to keep the next one manageable you probably need to shorten it to either tetrameter or pentameter. You really have enough there for two lines if you want to split them up:

"Children, Kites and River Water,
The air with gold is everywhere
The grass it is my cradle bed
As our roads cross again,
You shine all illusions away"

This roughly keeps the lines as tetrameter except the final two which are shorter and feel more like trimeter. You could also play around altering pentameter/tetrameter or tetrameter/trimeter.