Echoes

[hack]

I startle to your whisper
then fear it is not there.
Is it just a desert wind
that echoes soft despair?

Can that be your footfall
in the quickening dark?
If it's just your shadow
will it leave its mark?

I know I feel your presence
and softly call your name.
Rising now that sleep has fled,
Is that you, my brother, Cain?

[tailor STATELY]

I especially liked:

"I startle to your whisper
then fear it is not there.
Is it just a desert wind
that echoes soft despair?"

I must admit the last line caught me off guard and begs me ponder.

[Bar22do]

Echoes

I startle to your whisper
then fear it is not there.
Is it just a desert wind
that echoes soft despair?

Can that be your footfall
in the quickening dark?
If it's just your shadow
will it leave its mark?

I know I feel your presence
and softly call your name.
Rising now that sleep has fled,
Is that you, my brother, Cain?


The first two lines already set an original scenario (one at least, though I can see more), otherwordly vision (desert "by definition" is otherwordly, isn't it)... both Hevel and Kain are now in the ether, Hevel's poignant loneliness might be over, if he can just sense and identify his brother's repented whisper, not fear it anymore... get in ethereal touch... that would soften his despair, for he's always missed Kain so badly, and who knows, during the aeons of his ghostly wanderings he might have understood he too had his part of responsibility... and it all unveils after your poem ends...
A lot to think, indeed.
And this is a fine poem, Hack. Your usual delicacy and concision work so well here as well. Thanks - and be very well! -

Bar

[blank|verse]

And I echo (ho, ho) Bar's comments about this being wonderfully crafted and concise, with a dark twist at the end.

Good stuff, hack.

[Maryd.]

Nice one Hack.

[Hawkman]

Excellent poem hack, haunting, etherial and dramatic.

H

[TheEarthIsRound]

The poem startles me with the echoes of

"I know I feel your presence
and softly call your name.
Rising now that sleep has fled,
Is that you, my brother, Cain?"

A very powerful, image -lasting poem.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Wonderful how the multiple feelings associated with waiting or barely heard intimations - hope, fear - are so definitively and negatively fulfilled in the finally line. Of course the poem does not assert that it is Cain, but which of us dares hope that it is not?

[Jesterhead]

I like it, It was very calm and you presented a scene painted with your words. It was dark and longing. One word through me off though, the word football?, maybe it is just me not understanding the poem, but it ruined the overall picture abit for me.

[Bar22do]

I like it, It was very calm and you presented a scene painted with your words. It was dark and longing. One word through me off though, the word football?, maybe it is just me not understanding the poem, but it ruined the overall picture abit for me.

One word threw you off, you meant to say? but I don't see "football" - I don't understand, could you explain this to me though I'm not hack? thanks in advance and best regards - Bar

[hillwalker]

I love this poem, hack. The simple rhythm and rhyme disguise so much of what's going on underneath the surface.

And jesterhead - I have the same trouble with these tiny letters on my computer screen.
As I'm sure Bar well knows (lol), the word was FOOTFALL not football. An easy error to make, my friend. I hope when you re-read hack's poem you will appreciate it now the offending image has been erased.....

H

[Bar22do]

I love this poem, hack. The simple rhythm and rhyme disguise so much of what's going on underneath the surface.

And jesterhead - I have the same trouble with these tiny letters on my computer screen.
As I'm sure Bar well knows (lol), the word was FOOTFALL not football. An easy error to make, my friend. I hope when you re-read hack's poem you will appreciate it now the offending image has been erased.....

H

Wow, "footfall" was so quietly poetic and lacy that I swear my address to Jesterhead was genuine. I was simply unable to associate the two! - so now the mystery is unveiled, Jesterhead not thrown off anymore and I took great delight in re-reading your poem, hack. Thanks hillwalker for your eagle-eye! Best to you all - Bar

[hack]

Thank you all for your reads and comments.
Although Cain has reaped scorn as the first
murderer, we are all better than our worst
act, and worse than our best. A brother can
be forgiven, so can an enemy...peace...

[MorpheusSandman]

There's a great deal of deceptive simplicity in this; from the unobtrusive use of rhyme and brief trimeter. But then the end hits and it really packs a wallop. Well done, hack. To comment on the above fiasco, I did catch that it was "footFall" and not "footBall", but adults don't read letters at a time, we read words and the two are so similar that because the latter is so common it's very easy to make the mistake. I might simply suggest writing it as "foot fall". It doesn't really hurt the piece at all, methinks.