Senior Humour

[Biggus]

DEFYING GRAVITY # 1

With such widespread use of breast implants
There will surely come a time in the next 50 years
When there will be a large octogenarian population
Of confused and befuddled perky breasted grandmas

A STIFF DRINK

Viagra may soon be available in liquid form,
And will assist the flaccid when it’s done
By making it possible for a man to perform
By literally pouring himself a stiff one

THANK GOD THAT’S OVER

I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s not before time
It’s like release from prison
After committing no crime

It’s a cause for celebration
Bring on the dancing girls
Crack open a bottle
Let’s get the flags unfurled

I’ve worked too many years
For Scrooge like employers
Today is a joyful occasion
It’s the greatest of pleasures

I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s all I have desired
Thank God the day has come
I’m so glad I’ve retired

DEFYING GRAVITY # 2

With so many treatments for erectile dysfunction
In future there will be a large octogenarian population
Of grandpas with erections to answer grandmas prayers
Who can’t even remember why they went upstairs

LIQUID TO SOLID

Liquid Viagra will become
The ultimate cocktail I think
And be popular with the group
In need of a stiff drink

DEAD CERTAIN

A senior couple were lying in bed one morning.
Just as a new day was dawning
Having had the most perfect nights sleep
Long, restful, undisturbed and deep

The old gentleman turned to his wife and asked
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
She lay perfectly still in the same position
“NO! Of course I don’t want a cup of tea”

Surprised by her vehemence he asked “Why not?”
She answered, “Because I'm dead”
“What are you talking about? Of course you’re not
What put such a thought in your head?”

“It’s no good you arguing with me about it
I have no doubt at all. I am definitely dead,
And that’s it and all about it, because
I woke up this morning and nothing hurts” she said

SENIOR COLUMN

I wake up in the morning
But don’t get out of bed
Until I’ve read the obit’s
And made sure that I’m not dead

SENIOR WEEK

Since I’ve been retired
Everyday is a fun day
My week now consists
Os six Saturdays and a Sunday

SENIOR FORCAST

Since I’ve been retired
I’ve noticed that my hips
Are more accurate forecasters
Than those met office twits

A SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF

In your younger days
Your figure was quite svelte
You were trim and fit
And you didn’t need a belt

You were dapper and neat
And sartorially proud
Now your clothes are garish
And horribly loud

In your untailored attire
You lack any kind of taste
And all of your trousers
Have an elasticated waist

Your health is not the best
You have a dicky heart
Your digestion is quite iffy
And you’re prone to fart

I look back to the past
And the feelings I felt
When your manly cologne
Was the only thing I smelt

Now that you're mature
And your skin no longer fits
For some unknown reason
I still love you to bits

YOUNG LOVERS # 1

Your breasts small and pert,
Nipples deep pink and alert
Loins young and tender
Supple flesh in youthful splendour

My athletic muscular form
And endless stamina to perform
My jack in the box like phallus
What has now become of us?

[dizzydoll]

Very clever and some very funny Biggus! Often a true thing is said in jest. lol.

[Hawkman]

Another fine crop, comrade, keep 'em comming.

[Buh4Bee]

Who can deny your brilliance Biggus? Thank you for a good laugh!

[Maryd.]

Biggus, Biggus, Biggus... Your work never ceases to make me break out into fits of laughter. You are a clever lad. Well done.

[Biggus]

Thank you all very much for your kind words especially Maryd for calling me a lad.

Cheers

Paul

[MorpheusSandman]

There is some good stuff here - I especially liked the first and last pieces - but, on the whole, I much preferred your last collection. I guess I've heard so many old folks jokes that they're becoming a bit obvious by now. I did like the "stiff drink" one as well.

[Biggus]

Thank you