our future

[cogs]

pale sun streaks sad smiles
in ghost quiet suburban separation,
tan plush absorbs tortured spectre
shushed in loneliness,
new white paint mocks any hope
that might enlighten this pupil,
privately schooled in solitary,
reckoning meaningless math -
everything added equals nothing,
voiceless at week's end with
no report for the polished apparatus
time swallows with craved silver spoons,
on hungry tongues never filled,
he would shine but dull reflects
this eclipsed world escaping
light and sound, a void

[MorpheusSandman]

Mmmmmm, I love pieces like this. What they lack in thematic coherency they make up for in their elliptical imagery. Like with the best Eastern poetry, the poetry is as much between the lines and the connections they suggest about each other as it is in the words themselves. But what luxurious language you've used to suggest those connections!

[cogs]

i guess the theme is youth feeling pointlessness in their current doldrums.

[hillwalker]

I love this piece, cogs.

You do a fine job of describing adolescent ennui - beautiful choice of words and a lazy kind of rhythm tha fits in perfectly.

and that killer line
'everything added equals nothing'

super stuff

H

[cogs]

thanks for the comments, hill, morpheus... love the audience!

[Babyguile]

This was pleasant, thanks for sharing.

[dizzydoll]

Very creative poem, especially this line:


time swallows with craved silver spoons,

Is that not the truth? Good job.

[cogs]

dizzy, i tried to represent the education of the youth, that, as its end, is to help them gain more and more money; a future that leaves graduates disillusioned. it does nothing to give hope and emotional support to youth, who must conform, or 'dull reflect' (at least with the consolation of greed).

[Bar22do]

It shakes to the bones, with what it says, how it says, with what it silences or shouts, although it doesn't shout. Only leads to Void. Sad destiny of upper class youth? It's a pearl of a poem.
My chosen lines:

"time swallows with craved silver spoons,
on hungry tongues never filled,"

as is "shushed in loneliness".

Thanks a lot, cogs.

[Jesterhead]

I liked it, great wording and flow, I enjoyed reading this.

[cogs]

bardo, i was trying to make the whole education/job thing into a machine (apparatus) that perpetuates getting more and more, over time. btw, i like 'Sad destiny of upper class youth'
thank you thedave and jesterhead.

[Il Dante]

Can't find anything to criticize. It works.
My favorite phrase was "this eclipsed world." Liked that. :)