PDA

View Full Version : The Sins of Confinement



demonic790
05-10-2010, 07:52 PM
NOTE: Please take into consideration that I am a new writer and that I am only in grade 9. Thanks.

The Sins of Confinement
By:Sean Laird

These walls, oh so white walls. Nothing but white...

They fiber every thing I have ever come to know. My thoughts are scattered, consumed, and scarred. I sit on this white floor, permitted to think, and ordered to change. Change? Why change when the structure of life is so demanding for originality? The answer to this question remains unknown because of the stupidity of others.

I stand up....and then sit right back down. Am I mad? Corrupt? No, just different. I am different because I chose to be. Not because I was structured by something of a higher power, but because I saw life in a different perspective. I don't need to be like everybody else. I need to be myself and myself demands acknowledgement for his actions. I guess that's what I'm doing right now, isn't it?

I can hear them screaming out to me. These walls....they engross me. Engross me in fear and regret, reminding me of my past faults and disturbances. I see the faces, those aggravating and dismembered faces. My eyes longed for sanctuary. An escape from all this madness brought up against me. I was deafened by the screeching that corrupted every fabric of my being. I was looking for a way to escape it; it consumed me. I saw, too, for just a few moments, an escape. An escape from all of this delusion. My head numbed, my body shivered in fear of the thought. Why think of such a thing? And then my thought en wrapped itself into a pit of darkness and despair. The idea conveyed itself to me as a means of revolution and anarchy. A change that reflects the structure and dominance that we live in. We are dogs. Dogs waiting for their next meal, only to find out that it was the same thing as last time. We are shrouded in the need to find justification for our acts because we fear what might happen if we don't. Why is this? What is there to fear in a world that is ruled by command? There is no fear. Your fear is cloaked in your own frustration. Demand a change and you will have it. Don't just sit there and swallow, bark! Bark for something different. Something...sane.

The pain that corrupts my mind is excruciating. I am struck by a small blur in my head. My brain begins to turn into a fragile and frail object of conviction and redemption. What am I feeling? Is this a sense of regret for my actions? No...I did no wrong. For just one quick second I heard no more. The screeching had stopped and dark thoughts began to overtake everything that I had lived up to. It started to change me.

I began to contemplate. Contemplate about what would happen if I didn't contemplate. Contemplate for the sheer reason of contemplating. Contemplate because if I hadn't I would feel once again.

Suicidal thoughts ravaged my mind. I stood up. I didn't sit back down. I wished I hadn't contemplated...

demonic790
05-11-2010, 05:33 PM
Dying for feedback. Please tell me what you thought of it!!!

Is it bad, good, ok? What.

hillwalker
05-11-2010, 05:52 PM
It's good.... and bad.....

It's a powerful piece. A bit disturbing, I suppose, but of course that is intentional.
It creates a very real atmosphere of paranoia, perhaps about by being forcibly institutionalised in a padded call perhaps? That was my impression.

There are only 2 tiny criticisms I can level -

You repeat certain words, for effect I am sure. But it gets a bit annoying after a while - so cut back a little bit on the 'anguish' of the character's voice.

And a couple of vocabulary issues - I don't understand your use of the word 'fibre' as a verb.
And also 'they engross me..... Engross me in fear.....' (?).
'Engross' means to fascinate or to be of great interest. Perhaps you mean 'enclose' or 'envelope'?
We are all guilty of making the same mistake - thinking we know exactly what a word means, when in fact we've confused it with another. It pays to check in a dictionary if you are in the slightest bit unsure.

Grade 9? (I'm sorry, I'm from the UK so I couldn't really figure out your age so I have treated this as if it was written by an adult. And on that basis it's not a bad start at all.

Good work.

H

demonic790
05-11-2010, 05:59 PM
Thankyou so much for the feedback! It was exactly what I was looking for.

I will try to fix the issues that you found in the piece.

I am 14 by the way. So if you thought it was written by an adult, I would like to think of that as a compliment =)

And yes. That's exactly where the setting of the story is meant to take place.

-Sean

hillwalker
05-11-2010, 06:04 PM
Wow - I'm impressed someone your age can express feelings of despair and futility so forcibly. It bodes well for any future scribblings.....

Good effort my man.

demonic790
05-11-2010, 06:15 PM
Thankyou!!!!