Communications

[lallison]

I lost my cell phone. Damn thing must have slipped from my pocket in transit. I’m usually meticulous about checking when getting out of a cab, but I was carrying some bags, and that’s what must have thrown me off.

Landline doesn’t working either. It got funny about a month ago, and now, when I try to use it, I get a recording, “no outgoing calls, at the owner’s request,” although the receiving end works just fine.

So now I’m having trouble getting in touch with the ***** to set it straight. It seems like this **** keeps repeating itself, and what really bothers me is that I can’t fix it on my own.

It’s not the money either; all this has happened before. I don’t even like talking on the phone, but sometimes I need a taxi or a pizza.

Even those, I can manage without. Honestly, I don’t give a **** about the landline. It’s just those numbers I had in the cell memory I lost with it, and when she decides to call again all she’ll get is a dead tone.

I don’t think I’ll ever get it back.

[Jesterhead]

To me, this is not poetry.. It is pretty much your thoughts you have written down. The flow is off and there is no imagery, you should really work on speaking through metaphors instead of just writing in every day language.

I lost my cell phone.
Damn thing must have slipped from my pocket in transit.
I’m usually meticulous about checking when getting out of a cab,
But I was carrying some bags,
And that’s what must have thrown me off.

It just seem like something one could say in an every day conversation, not something written down while thoroughly processing a deeper meaning into it.

[Bar22do]

In my country, when you lose the cell phone and signal it to the company you work with, you still keep the same number...
Also, if the land-line's receiving end works fine, there is a chance she might call the N. Unless of course the N has only just met her and thinks she's shy to take the initiative and call him at home. As it is, nothing seems to be really lost... for the N could also take another cab and look for her where he has met her or so... Or do I miss sth (possible).

This is a colloquial sort of poem, so well describing the irritation one gets into when losing objects, especially those that ensure contact with the world! Here it nears Murphy law!

As you know, lallison, I'm not the specialist, but would still dare to suggest (and have an idea how I would do it) some revision here to get the poem a more poetic glow, regularity and rhythm...

But as it is, I enjoyed to read how you turned this awkward annoying situation into a poem! Thank you! and - my sympathy if it has just happened to you. Bar

[PrinceMyshkin]

Not my favourite of your poems. As someone observed in an earlier response, it seems too flatly anecdotal, with no resonance beyond the incident described, except--

perhaps the reference to the woman you presumably were with as a "b----" and the final line about never getting "it" back: it possibly referring to the hope or potential you saw in your relationship with that woman (or all others?).

It reminds me of a possibly paranoid aphorism I composed once:


When any one of your things goes missing, can the rest be far behind?

[hillwalker]

I tend to think part of the craft in the 'design' of this poem is lallison's intelligent demonstraion of communication breakdown....

It's the voice of someone whose life is gradually unravelling if I read it correctly, and if I might lend lallison my support from someone who also believes in taking risks in poetry -

@jesterhead - with respect, my friend, if a poet calls his particular creation poetry, then that's what it is. It probably upsets you to hear that, but it is a fact.
And as for criticising this poem because it sounds like something one could say in everyday conversation, well a lot of contemporary poetry does just that (breaking down some of the barriers and snobbery that has blighted it in the past).
I actually went to a local Book Festival on Saturday where there were three well-known Scottish poets reading out their work. You would have had kittens, Jesterhead.

The wonder and power of poetry is that it exists in so many forms - long may it do so.....

H

[dizzydoll]

I actually loved it... I saw exactly what Walker saw, but I saw a little more [there you see I am a poet and dont know it. lol.]. The poem speaks of the frustration of being reliant on this cell phone memory with the ladies number on it, and worse if she tries to call she wont reach him. He doesnt even care for his stomach, thats some kind of love. Its a very sad poem full of frustration. Good job. :thumbsup:

[MorpheusSandman]

I actually agree with Jesterhead here, even while I'm aware of the arguments that hillwalker points out. It's certainly true that modern poets (and, really, poets going back for a long while now) have challenged what the essence and definition of poetry is, and attempted to blur the line between prose, poetry, and just pure thought. It's not so much the conversational element that makes this piece not poetry, but the simple fact that the form seems irrelevant to what's being expressed. I've always felt that what separated poetry from prose is the same thing that separates music from mere sound; and that's rhythm, form, concept, composition, and the aesthetics behind it. I mean, Prince's poetry may be extremely conversational and superficially prose-like, but his adept use of line breaks, subtle rhythmic cues, punctuation, coherency, and other devices elevates it above mere direct thought, speech, and prose. I don't really get that sense here. This feels like something you'd relate to a friend while hanging out together. I'm not saying it couldn't be made into poetry, but I think to do so would require a rethinking of how it's presented formally and stylistically.

[Hawkman]

Hi lall,

"So now I’m having trouble
getting in touch with the b---- to set it straight.
It seems like this s--- keeps repeating itself,
and what really bothers me*
is that I can’t fix it on my own.

It’s not the money either;
all this has happened before.
I don’t even like talking on the phone,
But sometimes I need**
a taxi or a pizza."

I can see the poetry in this and these, I feel are the two strongest elements but I feel you could make it stronger by adjusting the line breaks where marked and by allowing the next line to continue here.

Generally though, I feel that to be really effective it should have a stronger rhythm. Still, an interesting read, and it sounds as if you needed to let off some steam!

Best, H

[lallison]

Thanks for all the terrific feedback. It’s been quite amazing to read through it all. It’s so exciting and motivational to find a place where I can get these great insights and share with people who are sincerely interested in literature. Let me try to give some response. And sorry for the delay, I’ve been out shopping for a new cell phone (got one of those touch screen jobs, but nothing too expensive because I’ll probably lose it again within a year).

Jesterhead, thanks for the time you took to read this and for your consideration on it. I promise to do my best to think in figurative language. You give good advice. Keep working on your poetry reading.

Bar22do, your criticism is equally as expressive as your poetry. Your interest here is in the very heart of the poem.


Also, if the land-line's receiving end works fine, there is a chance she might call the N. Unless of course the N has only just met her and thinks she's shy to take the initiative and call him at home. As it is, nothing seems to be really lost... for the N could also take another cab and look for her where he has met her or so... Or do I miss sth (possible).

You don’t miss anything. This is a very valid criticism, and a weakness I need to work around. The poem is about loss in a relationship and the lack of ability to communicate that comes with it. In revising, I need to come up with something believable regarding why those won’t work, but nothing complicated, I really don’t want to get too into the relationship. Do you think the critical reader may just assume there is a reason why she couldn’t get in touch? Apparently, that didn’t work with you.

Interesting comment about the phone system in your country. Throughout S.E. Asia they typically use SIM cards, a small, cheap, replaceable computer chip that provides the number. It’s possible that the N. could call the company to replace the number on a new chip. Not sure if they could actually do it, but it would make a pretty dull poem if I wrote about that. Hmm…the creative problems posed by new technology and globalization.

PM, thanks for keeping the high bar set. Literally, ”the b----“ I refer to in my poem is that “b----“ who owns the narrator’s apartment who won’t get his f---ing landline fixed because she can’t be f---ing gotten in touch with because she’s off traipsing around god knows what country of the world. The b---- comment in the poem was intended to flow over into the other girl and mesh with the confusion in the breakdown of communication. That’s something else that can be looked at to clarify in the revision, or play around with at least.

Otherwise, thanks for noticing that the last line “I don’t think I’ll ever get it back” refers to the girl the narrator lost, and also connects her with her metaphorical symbol (or at least the narrators ability to communicate with her), the cell phone, an attempt at creating multiple layers of meaning throughout the POEM. Try reading it again thinking of the ability to communicate with the girl as the cell phone. (also, bags is a pun: emotional baggage.) I’m not saying its great, but its not entirely flatly anecdotal either, and its accessible, as your comment demonstrated.

Hilly, thanks for making clear that the theme is apparent, the break down of communication in a relationship. You hit it in the bulls-eye. And I agree with your argument about what makes a poem. I’ll put in my own words as well.

Dizzydoll, thanks for feeling, empathizing, and communicating with the attempted emotions in this piece. Tone and mood are so important in poetry and often difficult to pull off. (If you are a poet and don’t know it, your feet will show it, are they Longfellow’s?)

Morpheus, thanks for taking the time to read this and present feedback. I’ve enjoyed reading your comments on this site and appreciate the time and effort you spend on them. It takes a special heart and real interest in literary art to do that. You’ve remarked on something I find of great interest and have been confused by since I’ve been on this site. Mainly, referring to a posted poem as not being poetry. As you might guess, it’s not the first time I’ve heard it. In any case, you must allow me a defense.

My contention is that critiquing this poem, or any other poem I’ve read on this site, as “not poetry,” is neither valid nor constructive. Here’s why:
.
As I read it, the heart of your assertion is:


the form seems irrelevant to what's being expressed

This argument will work with, for example, a math textbook, or even a letter to a friend, that has been randomly chopped by line breaks, in which case closing the line breaks strengthen its meaning and its purpose. Therefore, such writing is prose. On the other hand, if creating line breaks adds any meaning, fluidity, rhythm, mood, tone, etc, then its poetic form is relevant. This doesn’t make it a good poem, by any means, but it does make it a poem. When something is written as a poem, to be a poem, if you take away its basis as a poem, what are you turning it into? Prose, and as bad as some of the poems around are, as prose they become even less. That would mean that their form as a poem is, in fact relevant, even if the poem is not one that you enjoy.

Here is some background I feel is important in the poetic style I’ve been working on developing. First, I don't think PM's poems are a good example to compare this one to because PM's pieces typically don't have a linear story-like narrative structure. Mine do.

A better contrast might be my former professor who taught me to write like this, David Bottoms, the current Poet Laureate of Georgia. As a better comparison, let me use the title poem from his first book, which was selected by Robert Penn Warren for the Walt Whitman prize for newer poets back in the 70's. http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15332

You could close up the line breaks here and get an interesting little narrative paragraph. One might even say:


This feels like something you'd relate to a friend while hanging out together.

However, that would nearly destroy it. As with what I was attempting in my poem, it is the final line that makes it figurative.
“Into the darkness we’re headed for.”

The hooligans effectively become the rats, their wasted lives hanging out at the dump, killing things, is effectively killing them. Almost like suicide.

Here’s another good illustration by another famous Atlanta poet and former US poet Laureate, James Dickey. http://www.oceanstar.com/shark/dickey.htm

Pretty awesome if you’ve never read it! In any case, one could add punctuation instead of double spacing, and the line breaks may not seem important, it reads almost exactly like a story, and yet it’s widely published in many authoritative poetry anthologies.

Although they may seem like prose, taking away the poetic form of both these pieces destroys them! Why? I think one can conjecture a number of reasons, but even the mood of it as poetry contrasted with how it feels as prose is enough to make poetic form relevant. My point is not that the quality of my poem matches either of these, but that linear structured stories in free verse without clear rhythm can be presented in poetic form and strengthened by it. Contemporary American poetry is bubbling with examples.

Again, I’m not saying that the one I wrote is a good poem, however, asserting it’s not a poem means that closing the line breaks and making it prose would strengthen it. That would actually make the piece worse and make the intended meaning less accessible.

By the way, if you just read this entire argument and the entire Dickey poem, that’s damn impressive! Anyhow, thanks for your comments, as you can see, I feel disagreement is a great catalyst for creativity and inspection of ideas. Your thoughts are quite appreciated.

H, Thanks for the feedback. Your suggestions about the line breaks are good. I think it would flow more smoothly like that. I was also looking for symmetry in the shape of the stanzas to help give it form. I will experiment more. Either break symmetry completely or change the shape of all the stanzas.

WOW, did I just write all that? OK, now I can look into seeing what I can do with this poem. Once again, all is appreciated!

lal

[MorpheusSandman]

Well, first off, that's a tremendous reply lallison and, yes, I not only read all of it but I also read both of the poems you linked to (I've been practicing speed-reading for the past few months and it's definitely coming in handy!). I enjoyed them both a great deal. The first I have no problem recognizing as poetry. Even though it's mostly composed of complete thoughts and linear sentences, the line breaks and punctuation provides much of the rhythm, providing balance and switching between enjambment and emphasized end-stops with at least one simile and that wonderful closing the metaphor. The second piece is more prose-like, but even there there are poetic elements such as the occasional staccato rhythm provided by incomplete snatches of thoughts and ideas. I would definitely say it blurs the line between prose and poetry more than the former, but I have no problem labeling either as poetry.

As I read yours again today, I guess I'm still missing the poetic quality in the form. I understand your argument and, for the most part agree with it, but even with it in mind I'm just not sure I can apply it with your piece. This really isn't a comment on the quality or lack thereof. In fact, I actually find the emotions bubbling under the banal surfaces of the piece seemingly about everyday life and such a common problem quite fascinating. But I think the biggest thing is that I feel like I could take this entire piece, unchanged, and relate it in everyday conversation and it would feel entirely natural. While if I tried to relate the poems you linked to in everyday speech, it wouldn't work nearly as well. Of course, again, I don't think that element alone makes it "not poetry". It's not just the fact that it sounds like a natural conversational piece. It really just goes back to my inability to see how the form enhances it as poetry.

[lallison]

Sorry for the late response, just got back from a volcano climb so have been out of touch a few days.

Anyhow, thanks for your response. I understand your point, and, as you can see, if nothing else it's made me think.

I rewrote the piece with a few changes and a bit more rhythm, but don't really feel it improved it a tremendous amount so won't bother posting it. At this point, I suppose the thing to do is leave it to its mediocrity as the preservation of an idea that may come in handy in another piece at a later date.