Overlooked

[Bar22do]

I tick the months off, counting back.
Leafing through a volume by René Char
I find a freesia sprig (the scent not yet gone)
you put between page eleven and ten
to mark: «It matters little that I was born,
you become visible where I disappear» *.

How romantic. And I can still see
your nod and a wink way
of removing doubts when you’d sketch
my imperfect profile. The charcoal
now went on leave, so did I, yet I follow
by heart the shadow of your drawing hand
in the path of light on the studio’s floor.

We got along so well that I overlooked
slivers of life etching, in the passing era,
memories that like ribs
would eventually cage me in confusion.

In the place where you disappeared
giving no hint of your reasons,
I am visible, am in theory, still musing.

* "Peu importe que je sois né, Tu deviens visible
à la place où je disparais." René Char

Since my limited knowledge of English seldom grants me some freedom or allows me to soar, I hope to be forgiven (and possibly helped) in case this poem, that has only come from under my fingers (and come so abruptly), contained misuses and/or mistakes... With thanks and love to all! - Bar

[Hawkman]

I love this poem, Bar, It's marvellously evocative, reflecting on a distant memory stirred by finding a forgotten keepsake.

I love this line in particular:

"memories that like ribs
would eventually cage me in disillusion."

How it resonates!

How artfully expressive and sure your hand when you penned these words,

"The charcoal
now went on leave, so did I, yet I follow
by heart the shadow of your drawing hand
in the path of light on the studio’s floor."

The only criticism I would make is the repetition of the caged in disillusion theme. I think you could lose the first line completely and the poem would still communicate all those fine feelings, memories and emotions.

Great poem Bar.

Best, H

[hack]

This is one of your very best Bar. I think that perhaps H is correct, unless you mean for the first line to be a necessary foreshadowing, or mood setter. In which case you might leave off the redundant mention, "in disillusion", at the end of the third stanza, I would then move the remaining line segment up to complete the line and stanza. I like it very much as it is, though...peace...

[MorpheusSandman]

This is one of those pieces that I insist on drinking in slowly like fine wine. So many poems don't lose anything If I speed read through them, but this is definitely one that cries out to linger and appreciate its nuances. It's beautiful, delicate, so human fragile. Though I do agree with Hawk that the repetition should be removed. Though instead of removing the first line I might recommend editing the second one and finding a way to echo that sentiment without merely repeating the phrase.

[hillwalker]

Ditto to all the above - a fine, evocative piece of writing.

In particular I love the phrase 'The charcoal now went on leave, so did I' echoing how fragile memory can be, but how difficult its traces are to remove.

H

[MarkBastable]

Slightly pedantic aside:

I find a freesia sprig (the scent not yet gone)
you put in between page eleven and twelve

The odd-numbered pages are always on the right-hand side, so pages eleven and twelve would be on either side of the same piece of paper. It'd have to be between twelve and thirteen.

Apart from that, I rather liked it.

[dizzydoll]

Excellent, and so sad a poem too.

I especially loved the 2nd stanza as it is. :thumbsup:

Very touching.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Slightly pedantic aside:

I find a freesia sprig (the scent not yet gone)
you put in between page eleven and twelve

The odd-numbered pages are always on the right-hand side, so pages eleven and twelve would be on either side of the same piece of paper. It'd have to be between twelve and thirteen.

Apart from that, I rather liked it.

Note under her name that she is in Jerusalem, hence it might be inferred that the book she's referring to is in Hebrew, where the pages are numbered from right to left.

[MarkBastable]

Note under her name that she is in Jerusalem, hence it might be inferred that the book she's referring to is in Hebrew, where the pages are numbered from right to left.

Good point. My pedantry is culturally biased.

[Lumiere]

Ah, Bar22do, this makes me ache as all good poems do.

On your "limited" knowledge of English, (I would hardly call it limited; you write better than most native speakers ever could) - I love this unconscious eloquence that can only be accessed by those who know English as a second tongue. It makes it sound like a language alive and still wriggling! In my opinion, it's a strength.

[Bar22do]

Thanks all so much... I have answered you at length and it all disappeared into some hungry virtual ghost... isn't it horrible.
And now it's too late to start all over again... It'll wait for tomorrow then... so sorry. And again - I'm grateful for your overwhelming response. And for your helpful critiques - gosh, all I wrote to you faded as if It were the guy of my poem... how frustrating. - Bar.

[Bar22do]

Hi, since my last night's lengthy response was virtually "stolen" by whatever it was, let me start anew:
MarkBastable, your pedantic aside was actually à propos, for the speaker in the poem read R. Char's poetry in French. So it should have been "twelve and thirteen", a good point! (and - welcome! are you the one who found the head in the freezer?)
Prince, theoretically, you're also right: if the speaker were living in Jerusalem, were reading Char in Hebrew or in Arabic, "eleven and twelve" would have been a possibility.
Pedantery for pedantery, and you're both right, you in theory, Mark in fact.
Hawkman, hack, Morpheus, thanks for your critiques regarding the repetition. I'll keep it in mind when I revise!
Morpheus, there is an excellent red wine from Har'el in the Judean Moutains, called Le Clos de Gat. It won several international awards, including in England. If you're fine wine amateur, I warmly recommend you look for it, try it... let it develop in your mouth as you sip it.. by a fireplace, dreaming... It's worthwhile the experience!
hillwalker, the memories "crystalized" unnoticed, over a long period before the unhappy ending, as if "in preparation" for the speaker to be left with something at least. They thus enclosed her for long..
dizzydoll, your empathy for the protagonist of the poem is truly moving.
Lumière, while you're so reassuring concerning my English, you help me to improve it...

And thank you all again for your reading and valuing this poem.

friendly yrs - Bar

[MorpheusSandman]

While I quite love wine I've never had the money to really invest in fine wine, though I have gotten to taste samples from some wealthy friends who have that as a hobby! I haven't heard of the one you cite, but I'll definitely see if anyone I know has.

[MarkBastable]

MarkBastable, your pedantic aside was actually à propos, for the speaker in the poem read R. Char's poetry in French. So it should have been "twelve and thirteen", a good point! (and - welcome! are you the one who found the head in the freezer?)


You'd have to read it (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=52739)to find out... But thanks for the oblique plug.

[blank|verse]

(Sorry I've been slow to reply...)

This is outstanding, Bar. I think this is the best poem of yours I've read and one of the better poems I've read on the forum.

Its main strengths are the rhythm and the detail. I know rhythm is something you're keen to get right, and for the most part this flows faultlessly, as you can feel the subtle musicality of the poetry without it being overpowering or forcing any phrases or clunky rhymes, as you might get if you adhered to a set metrical pattern. You're in control here, not the poetic form.

The razor-sharp details in each stanza of each memory are wonderfully evoked and expressed, and a joy to read. I liked the way the conclusion refers back to the quote, but I'm not keen on the final word 'musing'.

On first reading, the 'How romantic' line came across as hilariously dead-pan – like you - sorry, the narrator! - was scoffing at this person for being pseudo-intellectual; but then the depth of feeling towards them unravels with each passing line, so it becomes more ironic and beautifully bittersweet. Whatever, its positioning after a stanza break is masterful.

I'm in agreement with others who said they weren't keen on the repetition of the 'caged in disillusion' phrase. And I'm just not sure about the word 'disillusion'. It means to be free from illusions, so to be 'caged in disillusion' is an oxymoron, which could work - you're caged by knowing the truth - but somehow the word itself doesn't feel right. And you do admit you don't know the truth of why this person left. (Also, the dictionary tells me it's a noun, but I still want to say 'disillusionment'.) I don't know if you had in mind 'caged in delusion' but you don't seem 'deluded' by the situation, more hurt or disappointed at being 'overlooked' without being given an explanation. I could be wrong, but I think it's very important to get this word right, as it is so vital to the poem. (And I should add that I realise English isn't your first language.)

MarkBastable's valid point aside, I had a bit of an issue with the rhythm created by the page numbers you chose. I can't think of a suitable alternative, but I'm sure there is one! And technically, it should be 'between pages…' which makes it more difficult; but I think you could get away with leaving it as it stands.

With all that in mind, I hope you'll forgive the following mess of suggestions to further smooth out the rhythms of certain lines (marked in square brackets [ ]), which you are free to ignore or disagree with, of course:

Overlooked

Caged in disillusion [see previous comments]
I tick the months off, counting back.
Leafing through a volume by René Char
I find a freesia sprig (the scent not [yet] gone) [delete?]
you [put] between page[s?] eleven and twelve [I feel 'left' might be a better word than 'put' as it has phonetic ties with 'leafing' and 'freesia', and also has a double-meaning of 'disappeared', which fits nicely with the theme. Delete 'in'?]
to mark: «It matters little that I was born,
you become visible where I disappear» *.

How romantic. And I [can] still see [delete or rephrase – there's one too many stresses here]
your nod and a wink way
of removing doubts when you’d sketch
my imperfect profile. The charcoal
[now] went on leave, [and] so did I, yet I follow [delete 'now'; add 'and'?]
by heart the shadow of your drawing hand
in the path of light on the studio[’s] floor. [delete?]

We got along so well [that] I overlooked
[?] slivers of life etching [, in the passing era,] memories [maybe an unstressed syllable at the start of the line? And delete 'in the passing era'? You're speaking in the past tense anyway and I don't think it's a strong phrase. Also move 'memories' up a line?]
that like ribs, would [eventually] cage me in disillusion [delete/rephrase? Change lineation?]

In the place [wherefrom] you disappeared ['from where' perhaps? 'Wherefrom' is archaic]
giving no hint of your reasons,
I am visible, am in theory, and still musing. [I don't like 'musing', it sounds too direct and 'telling'; I'd be tempted to change it around to something like: 'I'm still here, am in theory, and still visible.' – whatever, the 'visible' bit carries greater weight in the context of the poem, and makes for a more satisfying ending.]

* "Peu importe que je sois né, Tu deviens visible
à la place où je disparais." René Char

[I]Since my limited knowledge of English seldom grants me some freedom or allows me to soar, I hope to be forgiven (and possibly helped) in case this poem, that has only come from under my fingers (and come so abruptly), contained misuses and/or mistakes... With thanks and love to all! - Bar

Here endeth the lecture!

Best wishes,
b|v

[lallison]

memories that like ribs
would eventually cage me

It's quite wonderful how you turn yourself into a beating heart!


In the place where from you disappeared
giving no hint of your reasons,
I am visible, am in theory, and still musing.

although quite elegant here, the pun at the end gives it a note of joy which I'm not sure is intended.

It's a beautiful poem. Might want to think of another way to get across what you are trying to say about disillusionment, doesn't seem to be going quite as hoped, not for me either.

Either way, it's quiet lovely.

[Bar22do]

B/V and lallison, I'm moved by the generosity with which you "treated" this poem.

Blank Verse, first of all, thanks a lot for having put effort and devoted time to my little piece of poetry, and please don't be "sorry for being slow to reply" - we all have to work, live, learn, exercise, love, go shopping, have meals.... in addition to commenting and writing poetry, don't we! Your unfailing dedication is already too kind.
You were sensitive to my poem's rhythm and details. I'm not sure how much I was in control of the form myself, but yes, something "musical" led me through as I was writing, and the form kind of followed.
You also noticed how my conclusion referred back to René Char's line! It shows the quality of focus of your reading...
Your analysis is impressive. Now, "Caged in disillusion" is already cut off from my poem. I will have to figure out how to replace "disillusion", for I think you are right, it's not "disillusion" (nor is it "delusion"!). The relationship's abrupt ending leaves the N kind of groggy, puzzled and stuck for some time.
Pagination: I hope simply "eleven and ten" will suit in the revision and be correct too; the "in" before "between" is already lost. Thanks for pointing it out.
I'm happy with your "mess of suggestions" (another shower of your generous nature) which I will now ponder before my next attempt at revising the poem.
You truly achieved a lecture here! Chapeau! You need to go on a holiday now for at least a fortnight!

lallison, I must study the deep meaning of "musing" as it's possibe I missed some of the word's nuances. And definitely, I'll need to clarify for myself what it was exactly that was not "disillusionment". Thank you so much for your kindness and for loving my poem.

Warm regards to all - Bar

[cogs]

no, it's a perfect profile. so interesting how the life, like the charcoal, had etched itself in the mind. a fresh bookmark.

[Bar22do]

no, it's a perfect profile. so interesting how the life, like the charcoal, had etched itself in the mind. a fresh bookmark.

A marvelous insight! Thanks cogs, I value your appreciation a great deal!

Best - Bar