The Observer Effect (Redux)

[Hawkman]

There had been a woman once.
He used to watch her comb her hair;
oh, how he loved to see her smile,
and eyes, he saw in minute detail, did not lie.
But the weight of his regard became a burden,
‘til at its touch, at last, her smile faded.
Soon after, so did she.

With fire-chilling gaze he stares,
waiting for that wisp of steam,
that indicates the imminence of tea.
Beyond his sight, cathedral trees
play host to myriad hymns of nature,
a thousand lives within a sling-shot of his camp,
invisible and free.

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's a wholly different poem now from what it was a wholly different poem and, I think, a much better one, freed from the artifice of the watched kettle analogy. In retrospect, with the new version in mind, the older one reminds me of a statement by Keats (the exact wording of which I can't find) that "We dislike poetry that has too palpable a claim on our emotions..."

That new, majestic second verse is magnificent, beautiful in itself and likely to evoke his memory of the woman he lost. Bravo!

[Hawkman]

Thanks, Prince, I'm glad this works for you as I have put some effort into sorting it out! All those comments were very helpful. I guess listening to Purcell's Dido & Aeneas while I was pondering the revision must have helped :)

H

[blank|verse]

On first reading, I'm in agreement with Prince that this is a lot stronger - the decision to switch the narrative around is a masterful stroke. It has the magical 14 lines; I'm not sure if there was a deliberate attempt to make it sonnet-like, but it give the poem a nice balance.

On re-reading, the second stanza is the stronger of the two and contains the poems best moments: 'the imminence of tea' is wonderful (my favourite line) and atones for the 'puff of steam' which is a cliche. 'The cathedral of the trees' is also strong, although I want to tidy that to 'a cathedral of trees'. (And shouldn't it be 'plays host to myriad hymns' without the 'a'?). I'm not sure about the 'sling-shot of his camp', it all goes a bit Ray Mears (outdoors survival / explorer-type to those who don't know him!).

The first stanza is a bit weak, I think the opening is too direct and lines 2-4 too general. I think it comes down to too much 'telling' and not enough 'showing'. You could do with some lines here which match the quality of those in the second stanza.

Oh, and the word 'till' is a proper word (and useful for poetry) so there's no need to abbreviate until to 'til, which looks a bit fussy.

(And your mention of Purcell in your reply reminds me instantly of the sublime Machines (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do?poemId=151) by Michael Donaghy, perhaps my favourite poem of recent years.)

Thanks for posting these Hawkman, it's been interesting watching the poem develop.

[dizzydoll]

Too good for words to express. :thumbsup:

[hillwalker]

This is well-written - but quite a different kettle...
of fish

Nicely crafted

H

[tailor STATELY]

Wonderful.

[Hawkman]

On first reading, I'm in agreement with Prince that this is a lot stronger - the decision to switch the narrative around is a masterful stroke. It has the magical 14 lines; I'm not sure if there was a deliberate attempt to make it sonnet-like, but it give the poem a nice balance.

On re-reading, the second stanza is the stronger of the two and contains the poems best moments: 'the imminence of tea' is wonderful (my favourite line) and atones for the 'puff of steam' which is a cliche. 'The cathedral of the trees' is also strong, although I want to tidy that to 'a cathedral of trees'. (And shouldn't it be 'plays host to myriad hymns' without the 'a'?). I'm not sure about the 'sling-shot of his camp', it all goes a bit Ray Mears (outdoors survival / explorer-type to those who don't know him!).

The first stanza is a bit weak, I think the opening is too direct and lines 2-4 too general. I think it comes down to too much 'telling' and not enough 'showing'. You could do with some lines here which match the quality of those in the second stanza.

Oh, and the word 'till' is a proper word (and useful for poetry) so there's no need to abbreviate until to 'til, which looks a bit fussy.

(And your mention of Purcell in your reply reminds me instantly of the sublime Machines (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do?poemId=151) by Michael Donaghy, perhaps my favourite poem of recent years.)

Thanks for posting these Hawkman, it's been interesting watching the poem develop.

Hi B/V and thanks for bearing with me as this poem grew. Your previous comments, together with everyone else's who gave me pointers, were instrumental in getting this far.

I'm glad you liked, '...the imminence of tea' as I hummed and ha'd about using it as I was afraid the multisyllabic word was in danger of disrupting the stresses of the line. By balancing the surrounding words I think it maintains the metre though.

As for changing the 'to' to 'a', with regard to the cathedral of the trees, for me the indefininte article is too week, but I agree I could cut it before myriad. As for sling-shot, I deemed it appropriate given the circumstance of the camping man. I didn't want to use till as its resonance with ploughing the soil would have been distracting.

I was not consciously trying to emulate sonnet form but I was trying to balance the stanzas, although I agree the second is the stronger of the two.

Thanks also for posting the link to 'Machines', a poem I have never read before and thoroughly enjoyed.

Thanks again for all your input.

diz, Thank you so much, I appreciate your satisfaction with the revision. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

hil, likewise. It was a bit of a journey, but for myself, I'm not ashamed of the result.

Best to all.

H

tailor, sorry, didn't meen to slight you. Thanks for your comment which is deeply aprreciated. H

[tailor STATELY]

"tailor, sorry, didn't meen to slight you. Thanks for your comment which is deeply aprreciated. H"

De nada. I could not build upon the earlier comments and was left with but a bravo!

[Bar22do]

Always running after some spare time... but hopefully am still on time to congratulate you for your successful revision!

In: "With fire-chilling gaze he stares," you said it all (that was overly detailed in your first version) and is my preferred here together with "the imminence of tea"!

I'm recently listening a lot to John Corigliano's Red Violin Concerto (roughly composed for the movie - not a very good movie - but then re-worked, refined.. just as we do with our poems...) - I assure you it is at least as inspiring as Purcell (whom I love, needless to add). Try also his Violin Sonata.

V/B's suggested Machines is a great poem, too.

Sorry it's so late and I cannot develop my thought, sliced with tiredness.

So - thanks again and - be well Hawkman! - Bar

[Hawkman]

Hi Bar,
Here it is a quarter past midnight and I read your post while listening to Die Zauberflöte. I’m afraid I’m not familiar with the Red Violin Concerto or indeed John Corigliano, but will keep a look out for it and his work.

Thank you for your kind endorsement of the edit and I'm very happy you approve! I relate to your tiredness as I’ve had a long day too. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Live and be well,

Best, as always, H

[MorpheusSandman]

I also agree that this is a much better piece than the first. I much prefer how you go from the daydream memory to the much more tangible present instead of the reverse. One flows into the other much better now. While I agree the second stanza is superior I think it would be easy to rework the first. In fact, the only thing I don't like is that the memory is presented more matter-of-factly while the present part seems more romantic and poetic. It should be the other way around, methinks.

[Buh4Bee]

I did not see the original, but this one is lovely. Somehow a cup of tea fixes everything.

[Hawkman]

Hi Morpheus, Thanks and I agree it still needs a little tweak here and there. I'm working on the first stanza still and may have it right soon.

Hi jersea, thanks for that but my protagonist may not get one unless he looks away from the kettle so that it can boil!

Best, H

[Il Dante]

I agree with Blank Verse about the first line. "There had been a" in the first line could, perhaps, use some changing. It begins with four abstract words and an auxiliary construction.

But otherwise this is a very good poem, one of your best!

[Hawkman]

Why thank you, Sir!

H