RaInspired

[Sea in Side]

Do you hear it?
Open the window and let it pitter on the screen and patter on the blinds and drip in through your ears and drop into mind.
Let the cool breeze splash on your bed,
let the lightning flash in your head,
let the thunder crash.
Lay back and think.

Do you feel it?
Grab your keys, they're on the floor. Forget your jacket, walk out the door.
Swim outside and feel the wind, and millions of drops as they melt your skin,
cool away and become something new, something clean, something fresh, something more like you.
Breathe it in.
Look up and drink.

Do you see it?
Hit the lights and light one up, let it pour in to your old paper cups.
Take a drag, pause and blow,
Ash a trail to where ever you go.
Start the engine and feel the roar,
mix like music with the steady down pour.
Forget the wipers, let the glass get glazed,
just this time, lets drive blind,
and go unfazed.
Stop kicking and sink.

[dizzydoll]

Well written and I loved the imaginary. :coolgleamA:

[hillwalker]

Very evocative writing. And an unanticipated ending - driving blind for the sheer hell of it - going with the flow.

H

[Sea in Side]

Ah, I just re-read this. I think you should forget the jacket ;)

[OctopusGarden]

Do you hear it?
Open the window and let it pitter on the screen and patter on the blinds and drip in through your ears and drop into mind.
Let the cool breeze splash on your bed,
...
and go unfazed.
Stop kicking and sink.

i like how it flows alternating stressed and unstressed syllables throughout most of the piece. It makes it sound more romantic.

[Sea in Side]

i like how it flows alternating stressed and unstressed syllables throughout most of the piece. It makes it sound more romantic.

Ah I assure you it wasn't a conscious effort. I've never been good about sticking to one format, or any known format for that matter haha. Can you give me a line you liked specifically, and which lines could use work to make it more uniform?

[Buh4Bee]

This one, I really liked a lot. It gets one to focus on the world in the moment- sensory input, in it's best form. My only complaint is the ending is unexpected and takes the joy out of the whole experience. Wreckless youth?, felt like the air being sucked out of a room. It absolutely has a strong lyrical quality, almost like song lyrics.

[kittypaws]

Forget the wipers, let the glass get glazed,
just this time, lets drive blind,
and go unfazed.


Personally I would end it here...that lets the reader draw their own conclusion and would resolve H and jersea read on your write. But that is just my opinion; I'm new to this site....just offering suggestions.

I don’t even know how to “quote” you properly so please forgive me.

[Sea in Side]

This one, I really liked a lot. It gets one to focus on the world in the moment- sensory input, in it's best form. My only complaint is the ending is unexpected and takes the joy out of the whole experience. Wreckless youth?, felt like the air being sucked out of a room. It absolutely has a strong lyrical quality, almost like song lyrics.

All of my poetry is an attempt to be a song, whether or not I follow a beat. Thanks for the input! As far as the ending goes, I wouldn't say its about being wreckless. H had it perfect, its about living in the moment. Kittypaws the last line isn't supposed to be depressing and takes a couple of times to sink in. I feel like a lot of people just keep kicking and kicking when all you need to do is relax, and enjoy the water.

[Bar22do]

you're a musician even before you're a poet! I "sank" into your verse completely. You're so right - once we abandon ourselves to it, water is our friend, for the most! very well penned, Sea in Side! - best regards - Bar

[Buh4Bee]

That doesn't make any sense to me, but Ok.

[Sea in Side]

That doesn't make any sense to me, but Ok.

Mmm then maybe you're one of the kickers ;)

[Buh4Bee]

:lol::lol::lol:

[SilentMute]

I like this!

I'm planning on posting a poem--so you get chance to critique my work if you wish. Of course, I don't consider myself a poet...though I certainly traumatized my teachers when I was a kid and got my mom called to many meetings. I was mental when I was younger as most pre-teens are. My teachers were convinced I was going to either kill myself or become a street walker. I could understand the suicide concerns, since many of my poems were about embracing death to escape your troubles...I don't know why they thought I'd become a streetwalker. You hear of people who write poetry killing themselves, but do you ever hear of prostitutes who write poetry?

[Sea in Side]

Funny story, I once saw a prostitute taking the same grey hound through florida with me. She had 3 books with her: a dictionary, a book of magic spells, and a collection of Ed Poe. She also had a fur coat, and chicken wings in a ziplock bag.

[Buh4Bee]

Can you confirm that this lady of the night was a prostitute or was she just a headcase looking like a prostitute? :)

[Alexander III]

Wow I love it !!!

[Sea in Side]

Wow I love it !!!

The poem or the story about the hooker?

Haha Jers I suppose I can't be sure, you know what they say about assuming. It makes an *** out of you and some chinese guy named Ming.

[SilentMute]

Well, that just goes to show that you can't judge a book by its cover--or people for that matter.

[Sea in Side]

No I'm still fairly certain she couldn't read and was using the thick [hollowed out] books to smuggle drugs. Idea for a story?

[SilentMute]

Best inspiration comes from life!