Let's Sea Chapter 1

[Sea in Side]

I open my eyes fast, too fast: the natural reaction when you realize mid-dream you forgot something important. I feel to my right but know not to expect anything but ribs: oak on cedar planks. This still isn't a dream, and the reality is coming into focus like the straw hat over my eyes: dark but permeated by a few rays of light in a cross hatch pattern.


I try to bend my legs, they're weak and they collide hard with the bottom of the beam of cedar that used to be your seat. I remember the final days when you would spend your time facing out, away from me; you were searching the horizon for something different. I bring my hands from my sides to my chest as if I were about to say, "Don't shoot!", and raise them slightly to touch my beam; like every morning, I feel the cuts you made: quick, deep, and sloppy. I let my long salty fingernails slide into the crevices and trace their tracks like twin snakes, or two windy roads with abrupt dead ends: mine, SS. I find the carvings I made with care and precision: two mountains and a first quarter moon: yours, MD. I pause long and long.


I can feel the knife pressed into my leg in the pocket of my cut off jeans. My fathers faded initials are on the base: the only thing I have of his, minus the memory of his back through eyes like water filled goggles. I'm not sure if you left it because you knew it meant something, or because it would've been hard to take it without waking me. I take it out and flip it open, peeking out from under my hat to slice a gash between the ribs; the first and more than likely last diagonal line I'll make: 5 days. I thought admitting that I might not make it would hit me like a tidal wave, but it crept up on me in the night like the ocean dew; I could try wiping it off but the taste would remain. Bitter and salty.


Its too early to start thinking about food and water, but now I can't stop. First I feel my tongue, dry and swollen; then my stomach, sick and empty. I take my hat off with my eyes closed, and open them slowly: the sun is staring directly at me like his rays are crude words, mocking me for my lack of shade. I return the favor with a red finger. To humor the dying optimist in me, I take all my energy to pull my body aft from under my bench. Every part of me wakes up and screams, "I'm on fire!". I lift my right knee slightly and place the foot against a new oak rib. I straighten my knee to push my body up; the skin retaliates with sharp chemical reactions. I repeat slowly with my left. Every new 4 inches feels twice as long and takes even longer. By the time my head is even with the top every steam-bent frame is a mile apart. I get my arms over the sides and use what's left of my energy to lift myself up and hang my body over the side to rest. I let my fingers touch the cool water. It's dark now.

[Sea in Side]

Dying for input. Trying to row through oil in chapter 2, so I'm taking a break.

[Sea in Side]

Sorry, I'm new. Tried deleting the poll but can't find the option. Hope it's not scaring people away =/

[hillwalker]

Wow - you really know how to reel the reader in - and leaving him like a fish gasping for more.
I love the way you create tension and tickle the curiosity right from the very start - who is this guy? where is he? what's really going on?
Making the reader sing for his supper....
Quite brilliant.

H

[Sea in Side]

I always appreciate a well constructed set of applause! This is my break up story. I'm going to go through all the phases: nostalgia, confusion, isolation, anger, etc. hopefully leading to my eventual catharsis. Any constructive criticism? I've always liked writing but this is one of my first attempts at a serious short story.

[dizzydoll]

Its well written but I feel unsettled by reading it. Knives and cutting are not usually stuff I choose to read... still it was well constructed. You certainly have a hyper disposition so I am sure it will be interesting to read whatever else you have up your sleeve.

[Sea in Side]

Its well written but I feel unsettled by reading it. Knives and cutting are not usually stuff I choose to read... still it was well constructed. You certainly have a hyper disposition so I am sure it will be interesting to read whatever else you have up your sleeve.

No worries, I hard to start off a bit dirty to make the cleansing more dramatic. If you pay attention, the only physical cuts are in the wood. Although the narrator has some cuts of his own, they're subcutaneous. Looking forward to putting the second chapter up in a night or two. I find my biggest problem is pace =/

[SilentMute]

The last paragraph hooked me in. Look forward to a continuation.

I hate critiquing people's work. A writer myself, I understand that these stories are your babies. However, as a reader, I also know that people have their own tastes. Always keep in mind that even if people don't like it, it doesn't mean it isn't good. You may just have to find your audience...and maybe, it might be a very small audience.

Of course, we always hope to be best sellers and appeal to the masses.

For example, though, I don't understand appeal of Jane Austen. Obviously, though, there must be many people that would disagree with me.

[Sea in Side]

Yeah, I really feel like I was picking up speed in the last paragraph. Its a shame I have to squander it by having the narrator pass out. The way you wrote your comment seems to imply that you have things you want to say but aren't so bold as to share, am I right? Haha trust me I'm not the one to take myself seriously, any and all comments are appreciated!

[SilentMute]

I was passing on wisdom, since I know personally how it can hurt when people don't like your work--even when you tell yourself you can take it. I really did like the last paragraph and am interested in reading the sequel.

I was remembering years ago when my mother was reading a short story I had written. Usually, my mother thinks I'm a genius, but she really hated this one story I had written. I really thought it was a romantic story, but my mother thought the heroine--who I really identified with--was just a terrible person. So it felt like a slap and a punch in the stomach. What is funny is that my mom is a Twilight fan and really should have identified with my heroine. Speaking of Twilight, remember what I said about reader's taste...I don't understand the appeal of that book either.

As for your story, as mentioned, I got hooked into the last paragraph. The only thing--and this isn't a bad thing necessarily--is that you have a very fast-paced narrative style. Your mind seems to run a million miles a minute--and that could work for you, and it will appeal to some people. Action books with explosions and gun fire would be up your alley, I think. I am a person that generally likes to savor my mental images, so I like a little bit of a slower narrative as a general rule. Now, I don't like people who take three pages to describe a sunset...that is too slow. Medium-pace is what I like, and I think I also prefer third or second person narratives...but again, that is preference. I would read a book written by you, I think, but I may not be able to read an entire book in one night. I would get mentally tired at having so many images pass through my brain so quickly.

But, everything I say is a matter of preference, I believe. I think you have potential, and I think there is an audience for your work. And even though it would take me longer to read your work, I would probably read it. In fact, you do remind me a bit of an author I like...I forgot his first name. I am so good with names of people I meet, but I tend to forget author names even when I really like their work. He is a popular author, last name is Abbot. He writes books about spies and secret groups within the government, etc. I think the book I really liked was Trust Me, and another one I think was called Panic.

[dizzydoll]

Now, I don't like people who take three pages to describe a sunset...that is too slow.

Oh, I so agree with you on that SilentMute we have an author many love him Wilbur Smith he can go on for 3 days describing a tree, boring. However his stories of living in Africa are frightening all the same so he appeals to many tastes. btw you express yourself beautifully, I have read other posts of yours. However not everyone can be the same and like you I agree Sea has a wonderful, wildly untamed potential which is quite unique. I bore easily and neither of you would bore me.

[SilentMute]

Thank you, dizzydoll. Two things I hope: to be a published author that has at least a small audience and to be an employed medical coder after I finish training.

I'm hoping to develop my ability to give constructive criticism. I think it would be a useful ability for the job world. The problem is, speaking from personal experience, criticism is never constructive when it is you being criticized.

And really, in the end, a lot of it is personal taste and not a reflection on the person. Years ago, I wanted to read the classics because I thought that is what all intellectuals did. I still plan to read them because I want to know them--even though I tend to forget them easily. I was disappointed early on, though, because I could not figure out how many of these books were considered good let alone classic. Of the ones I have read, only a few were entertaining...and only one was thought-provoking (though I didn't like it). Sometimes I think classics are books that survive the test of time because they are unpopular and stay preserve in a second hand shop, and one day someone finds them and says, "Wow! This book is old! It's a classic!"

[Sea in Side]

Thanks for a great constructive critique, on one aspect at least! This is definitely something I have in mind. I loveee drawing out details but I should've mentioned that I'm trying to jam pack this story into three chapters, all of about equal size. I really wish I had the ability to write full length stories, but at this stage in my writing I don't trust myself to fill a whole page with anything but filler to get to the next one. But I'd like to work my way up gradually. I'm not even 20 yet, so hopefully I have some time ;)

P.S. thanks again, trust me, I can take bad criticism. My mom was the first person I showed and all she said was "Oooook."

[SilentMute]

Well, it is all about finding your style.

Me, filling up a paper was never a problem. I've been accused of being able to write a novel about a spot on a wall. I remember how my teacher's used to roll their eyes when I used to turn in my themes. The first story I ever wrote, the one that made me realize I loved to write, was a theme paper that was titled, "If I were a balloon...." Most of my classmates wrote a paragraph. I wrote twelve pages. This was when I was nine years old. I don't think my teachers even bothered reading them--they just gave me an A.

My short stories are probably novelettes. Years later, I took the first theme that had introduced me to writing and wrote another story about a condom that thinks he is a balloon, tries to figure out why he isn't like other balloons, tries to figure out his purpose when he learns he isn't a balloon, becomes totally disgusted when he learns his purpose, and has to reconcile with the fact that he is something that is used and thrown away. When I have the time, I plan to write a sequel where he helps a cop solve a murder.

I have a weird outlook on life--and while I think sometime I truly do come up with orginal ideas (which is almost impossible)--some of these stories will probably not be appealing.

[hillwalker]

I've been following this thread with much interest (mostly from the sidelines).

@SS - if you're only 20 man you've got a whole lifetime of writing ahead of you so don't get bogged down at this stage with worries about working your way up to something bigger. I already posted above how much I like this piece - it's snappy and almost written like shorthand, yet it deserves a second or third reading to appreciate exactly what's going on.

@SilentMute - 1) get an editor, and 2) we demand to see that first balloon/condom story as it sound really original.
And personally, I would prefer constructive criticism to having my writing be totally ignored. :-)

H

[dizzydoll]

And personally, I would prefer constructive criticism to having my writing be totally ignored. :-)

H

This surprises me Walker, the reason being... I might enjoy a piece [poem or story] but I wont comment because I dont feel comfortable to have my name all over the show, on every piece that is written. I dont know it just seems like it might come off as a bit fickle or arrogant.

I just goes to show how everyone views the same situation.

[hillwalker]

Dizzy -

Personally I believe any piece (poem or story) doesn't really come to life until someone else reads it.....

and no writer is going to be able to improve or develop without feedback from his/her readers.

There are a lot of delusional people out there - writers, actors, singers (X-factor anybody?), painters, etc. who believe they have a world class talent, but never take the risk of exposing it to a critical audience (other than close friends and family who are hardly likely to say "you suck").

At least on LitNet there are fellow writers and knowledgeable readers whose opinion really does matter and mean something. So, yes, I'd rather someone here tell me a particular poem is rubbish (as long as they explain why) rather than just ignore it.....

And DD, your opinion matters just as much as anyone else's. You are a discerning reader so you know what you like - and what you don't. Feedback is a writer's lifeblood.

If a published writer puts his book on the market then he is placing his work at the mercy of every reader who buys or borrows it. If he can't stand that sort of critical scrutiny then perhaps he should stick everything he creates inside a drawer and just pretend he's doing ok.

Without readers a writer is only talking to himself in a dark room.....

H

[Sea in Side]

I'm going to have to side with H on this one. I joined Litnet because I knew my friends either a) would just smile and nod, or b) not have the developed taste of the audience I'm trying to reach. I didn't want to post my work and have it sit here and rack of views just so I could toot my own horn: I live for tips and suggestions, not because I want to mimic others styles, but because I want to perfect my own. Two people will never read the same piece the same way, certain words will jump out at one, while the other may glance over it. This is especially true of the writer as compared to the audience. I've read this over and over every time I get a new comment, and more often than not I notice something new. The rest of the work still isn't coming together like I'd like, but I'm hoping if I have a solid beginning, the rest will fall into place.

SS

[SilentMute]

I agree with Hillwalker. Criticism can hurt--and some people aren't constructive about it. I think I have read comments on LitNet where people complain that people attack the poet and not the poem.

Even though my mom hurt my feelings that one time, it was an eye-opener. She did actually have a point. The character was asking someone she loved to do something that might haunt them for the rest of their life--so it was rather despicable.

Learning to take criticism--constructive or otherwise--is a good skill to learn even if you aren't a writer. Giving it is another skill. However, a person should always keep in mind that what is good and bad depends largely on personal tastes--and one person's negative feedback does not mean there isn't an audience.

Usually, I don't plan to share anything that hasn't been copyrighted and may be submitted to a publisher. However, I have my doubts that a crime fighting condom is going to be an appealing subject--so I am submitting it on LitNet. It is called Identity Crises: I thought I was a Balloon. I'll break it up into chapters because it will take too long to write all at once. I'll try to add daily to it.