The Sleepless

[Revolte]

Coca-Cola clock ticking an hour behind
it's too early to sleep, too late to dine.
Background sounds of badly drawn cartoons-
the home movies of an artists mind-
go from innocent conversations with kids,
to criminal action in every loved crime.

The eye-like ceiling light shines down
giving dim wink to my carpet floor.
Vibrations from artificial wind
awaken my hairs from skin and bore,
the haunting hour ticks closer and soon
awaken the spirits behind my door.

My running nose is stuffing itself
as if to be turkey on thanksgiving day.
Scabby throat itching itself reflects
the purging sensation of man who prays.
Soda pop sparkling upon my lips
hundred bubbles descend their play.

Haunting hour has passed about
seven or eight minutes ago,
no ghost has come out to play;
leaving me and bugs alone.
Fading vision tells me to sleep
but instead is written this poem,
an extra two lines just like life
rebelling the easy way home.

[hillwalker]

This poem is dense with images and uncomortable sensations.

Some of the lines are very persuasive -

giving dim wink to my carpet floor
and

Soda pop sparkling upon my lips

but I would question the phrase 'my throat so proud and gay'.
It is rather awkward and suggests it was put in purely to accomplish the rhyme rather than advance the meaning.

Interesting work as always though

H

[Bar22do]

Lack of sleep seems to be in fashion these days on the site... and everyone has his way to make it through the hours!

I agree with hillwalker about "day" and "gay", try:

"to the throat makes its way"

or sth similar to replace the line and keep the rhyme.

Otherwise, I found here some interesting imagery here. Thanks, Revolte. Hopefully the N's next time is going to be much better!

best - Bar

[dizzydoll]

Its beautifully written but I would appreciate someone explain it to me. I am almost too afraid to say what I think.

[Revolte]

@Hill & Bar Thank you :) I replaced that line with something less cheesy

@Dizzy it's a discription of what I was doing, feeling and observing last night/this morning while I was writing it.

[Revolte]

lag made me double post..

[MorpheusSandman]

I quite love this one. There's an elusive, playfulness to it. A unique rendering of the everyday and ordinary. I also love the subtly shifting rhythms and use of aliteration (I'm an alliteration whore, anyway!). The only constructive criticism I'd offer is to pay attention to cohesiveness. As pieces get more abstract you need common strands to tie stanzas and the whole together. For instance, the third stanza seems to have three very distinct and discrete images that don't seem connected to each other. There are also a few other hiccups: I'm not sure what "me and bugs alone" is supposed to be. It makes me think of Bugs Bunny without the "the" article. "but instead is written..." do you mean "has written"? Also, the rhythm of "two extra lines just like life" doesn't quite work.

[Revolte]

I quite love this one. There's an elusive, playfulness to it. A unique rendering of the everyday and ordinary. I also love the subtly shifting rhythms and use of aliteration (I'm an alliteration whore, anyway!). The only constructive criticism I'd offer is to pay attention to cohesiveness. As pieces get more abstract you need common strands to tie stanzas and the whole together. For instance, the third stanza seems to have three very distinct and discrete images that don't seem connected to each other. There are also a few other hiccups: I'm not sure what "me and bugs alone" is supposed to be. It makes me think of Bugs Bunny without the "the" article. "but instead is written..." do you mean "has written"? Also, the rhythm of "two extra lines just like life" doesn't quite work.

muahhaha thank you. "is written" is what I meant, I know the yoda speech isnt very popular but its fun lol. :) my intent honestly with that last two lines of the poem was to kind of kick the rest of the poem, that's the only real reason I through it in and its what I meant by rebelling the easy way home. Of course I do appreciate the thoughts. I have to be honest I was just messing around when I wrote this I'm suprised it has any liking at all. I should write more often when I'm sick and dillusional.