Observer Effect

[Hawkman]

Removed for Editing

[tailor STATELY]

I see lots of potential with this piece.

L8 "heat shunt" IMHO begs for a metaphor rather than such an abrupt term. However, if that is your intention it works fabulously.

"It seems his gaze chilled her too." may be unnecessary given the context of the previous lines.

[Hawkman]

tS, Thanks for your response. I agree about the Last line and I have excised it.

I will think more on the heat shunt which is blunt I agree. It is not elegent, but it is not an elegent poem :)

Best, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's somewhat too laid back to begin with but picks up interest when all the watched kettle never boils stuff is revealed as a prelude and analogy to the latter half, which I like a great deal except for this line:


He loved to watch her and he did it all the time.


which reads somewhat like something from an elementary school primer.

[MorpheusSandman]

I actually love this a great deal, though I'd recommend splitting it in two pieces with a stanza break between the pot/lover analogy. About the only real flaw I see is that the transition between the two is really abrupt, and it makes the metaphor really obvious. Though I can't think of an easy fix for it, ATM. Perhaps a line like "While waiting, his mind drifted to" or something to make us think that it's the waiting that's making him daydream, rather than the kettle itself that's reminding him of this metaphoric analog.

[dizzydoll]

Ah, the game of love.. like watching a kettle boil. Too funny. Expressive poem as usual Hawk. I enjoy your poems simplicity, there is nothing ostentatious or competitive about them.

[lallison]

The observer effect.
Catchy title, reminds one of The Butterfly Effect



He’s waiting for his kettle to boil.
He’s been waiting quite a while,
Although he watches it closely
He finds it strangely reluctant to oblige.
Perhaps he radiates a field of coolness

I like the fist part best. I think the figurative language is easy to pick up on although still a bit vague in exactly what you're talking about



He remembers.
He used to watch his lover with affection,
He would delight in every nuance of her existence.
He loved to watch her and he did it all the time.
But one day she saw him watching her

I don't like how you change seen here and agree with exactly what Morpheus said, its too abrupt and makes the metaphor too in your face, almost takes the art out of it. What about continuing the story line and making the girl enter the room with you, instead of remembering. Make it all part of one cohesive drama.


And her smile faded.
After a while so did she.

Great ending, Bravo! So that's my two cents. Like it but think it could still use some work.

[Hawkman]

Prince, Morpheus, diz and lal, thank you all for responding. I think all your comments are valid and I will give this some work. I had the idea but had some trouble executing it and eventually my process stalled.

So, thanks for giving it a kick start and for taking the time to post your pointers. Much appreciated.

Via con Dios. H

[hillwalker]

Clever work - and I personally enjoyed very much the first edit. I think sacrificing all that detail about the workings of the kettle diminishes the metaphor that follows.

One thought I had - if you wanted to approach the second section without making the transition too obvious you could rephrase it
'I remember
I used to watch.....etc.'

But anyway, an enjoyable poem and an amusing 'observation'

H

[blank|verse]

It's not bad, Hawkman, I can see what you're doing with the metaphor / conceit and I applaud your willingness to try a new form and post it, but this tentative quality shows.

I'd go through it (particularly the first) and count how many times you use 'he' - there are loads, and (too) many lines which start with the word. The lines are a bit prosey; I'm in agreement with Prince that the first bit of the original (and second) are a bit, hmm, dull if I'm honest - you're writing a poem about literally watching a kettle not boil (itself a cliche). Your approach is a bit introspective, the narrator thinking he is preventing the kettle from boiling. There are some nice touches here, but you spend too long on the subject. (And I don't think the 'incarnational fallacy' - watching a kettle takes a long time, is a bit boring, so so should my poem be - is a convincing argument!)

Also try to listen to the rhythm of each line as you would say them; with free verse, you need to make the lines work rhythmically, or you're just writing cut-up prose.

In the first version, I would cut the line 'He remembers' and just have it as a stanza break, similar to Morpheus's suggestion.

When you say:

He would delight in every nuance of her existence.
that's too general - give us some specific details that bring this woman to life.

Keep going though, you've got enough to make this 'work' as a poem and it'll be interesting to see if you can improve this.

[Bar22do]

I read both versions, Hawkman, and thank you for this reading.

I tend to agree with MS and feel the abruptness of the transition, while the poem is an interesting one.
I agree with B/V about your poem lacking rhythm (but I am particularly attuned to rhythms, so it may be me...). I think it could still be shorter even after this rewrite.
If I got it right, then your metaphor isn't really flattering for the lover the N used to watch with affection... that is if you say watching closely for the kettle to boil is boring (it could be also a deep contemplation, for example!)... or you used watching the kettle as a contrast.
You suggest the N might radiate coolness - that may be the key to why the girl left... ;)

On the whole I believe that this poem has enough power to be worthy of further work so that it has a bright near future! and I'll be looking for your next version of it.
Thanks Hawkman! - Best regards - Bar

[Il Dante]

Hi Guys, I'm not sure about this one. What do you all think?

The observer effect.

He’s waiting for his kettle to boil.
He’s been waiting quite a while,
Although he watches it closely
He finds it strangely reluctant to oblige.
Perhaps he radiates a field of coolness
Which drains the heat from the element,
Dispersing the convection currents in the water,
So that the kettle’s body acts like a heat shunt.
He knows full well that if he turns his back
The kettle will boil straight away.
He remembers.
He used to watch his lover with affection,
He would delight in every nuance of her existence.
He loved to watch her and he did it all the time.
But one day she saw him watching her
And her smile faded.
After a while so did she.

Here is the edited version for comparison:

The observer effect.

He’s waiting for his kettle to boil.
He’s been waiting quite a while,
although he watches it closely
it is strangely reluctant to oblige;
perhaps he radiates a field of coolness.

With sightless eyes
he watches and remembers
how he used to watch his lover with affection,
delighting in every nuance of her existence.
He would observe her constantly
and in minute detail:
how he loved to see her smile.

But one day, she saw him watching her
and her smile faded.
After a while, so did she.

As others have said, there's a lot of great potential here. Personally, I feel strongly that the longer treatment of this topic would work better than the pithy version.

The most effective portion of the poem is the part when "she saw him watching her and her smile faded..." That part is the most effective. The tea kettle part could use the most editing. I would recommend editing out some of the grey, scientific details, such as the lines about emiting a field, etc. Instead, it might be good for this section to be a bit more concise, a bit more to-the-point and witty, like a metaphysical conceit sorta.

Also, it might be good to have a kind of balance between the two sections, so that they correspond and have a sort of equal weight, an equity. If it were me, I would make the two sections of equal length and have the same number of lines. Thus first you have the metaphor/conceit and then the application and the main point.

Could also be a good idea to replace "every nuance of her existence" with something a bit more... something... else.

[AuntShecky]

I prefer the second version to the first, but they're both pretty good. It might be fun to try to arrange the lines as if they look like they're boiling or "bubbling" up. (It's really difficult to post pattern or concrete poetry online, I know.)

One effective feature is taking the old proverb and turning it on its head by using it as a metaphor for a romantic relationship, as we know there are two kinds of "heat," the literal kind that cooks food and the other kind that, uh, keeps us warm.

[Hawkman]

B/V, Bar, Il Dante, and Auntie

Thank you all for your valuable input. I hear and understand what everyone is saying and have taken it all on board. I really appreciate the help and advice you have all given. I'm removing this one for editing now and will re post it when I'm happy with it.

No further posts required in this strand.

Thanks to everyone who commented

Live and be well - H

[dizzydoll]

we wait in an-ti-ci-pation. :party: