It Was Me

[hillwalker]

IT WAS ME

It was me who got my highlights done
my eyebrows waxed
my pierced tongue
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who wore that skimpy top
that showed my belly button bar
that little glint
the top half of my new tattoo
the Chinese word for ‘Birds of Fire’
a phoenix rising from the flame
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who used that tanning spray to look my best
who took the time to buff my legs
and tidy my bikini line
and for my nails picked darkest green
and sprayed that scent
‘Miami Glow’
and wore that JLo bracelet just for show
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who put my make-up on
who blushed the dust
and all the glitter
gloss to make my lips like sugar
soft and red
and slightly moist
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who wore a strapless bra
that shift so sheer
with everything on show
that gold belt almost wider than my micro-skirt
and heels that give it all some lift
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who let you buy the drinks
the one you spiked
who tapped you for a cigarette
then had that dance
that push and pull
and introduced you to my mates
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who drank a bit too much
who couldn’t even stand up straight
who let you share the taxi back to mine
and asked you in for just one drink
the nod the wink,
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who put that CD on
crashed out beside you on the couch
who kicked my heels off
one by one
and giggled as you stroked my ears
and grabbed my hair
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who let you strip me down
and lay me out
and climb on top
and watched you fumble with your zip
and laughed a bit
and gagged for breath
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who smelt your boozy breath
and flinched
your fingers crude and cold
and tried to struggle
even cry
then sensed the wetness down below was my arousal
my betrayal
not your fault
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who helped you spread my legs
and dug my flesh into your nails
and tried to scream the words to make you stop
and clamped up tight
and bucked and rolled
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who sobbed when it was done
and tried to cover up my shame
and nodded when you said you’d phone
and heard you slam the outside door
and knew I’d never hear from you again
and guys all know what that’s about

It was me who sent those signals out
just look at me…..
just talk to me…..
just take me…..
just rape me…..
my body language made each word sound just the same
so I’m to blame
and guys all know what that’s about

[Hawkman]

Wow, What a poem! This is really deftly executed and flawless. Powerful stuff, hill. I mean it, outstanding work. H

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is assuredly the most powerful exposure/indictment of a certain sort of sexual 'game.' Brilliantly executed throughout and enough to make one apologize for being male!

[MorpheusSandman]

This is undoubtedly one of the most powerful pieces I've ever read on here. I love how it begins so playfully; an intricate elaboration on a small theme, and then disintegrates as it climaxes. It's almost as if the superficial clothes and trinkets and makeup described early on is echoed in the superficiality of the lines, and the more these items are stripped away, the more nakedly emotional the piece becomes. At the end it's like some bestial, primal scream. Superb work.

[lallison]

Great poem! This is one that can really touch people emotionally since it addresses a major issue, date rape, and does so by putting you into the mind of the woman. Your use of imagery is very vivid and sensual, which helps to draw the reader in.

The drama here is disturbing. The description is of a girl going out and getting picked up, or perhaps doing some pick up herself, and everything seems pretty casual with the exception of the spiked drink. That's disturbing. And then the screaming and the fighting.

I'm left wondering if you are trying to make a statement about sex in general. The poem leads me to empathize with how someone whose gone through this can come to perceive what should be a loving and natural act with horror. Its a chilling piece.

As far as your topic, I wouldn't call it new and original. They make documentaries about this stuff to show high school students. but the poetic language was simple, precise and vivid, deftly used to create the desired emotional effect.

Nice rhythm and use of repetition too, to drive in your point. It reminds me of dance music, which is fitting.

[dizzydoll]

Oh jeez, what a nightmare. Young girls caught up in the maze of the media in an attempt to have that airbrushed look. I see little girls here, 7 year olds walking with their mothers in children's high heals. Those mothers need a good slap to make them think straight. Not really, I dont agree with slapping people but you know what I mean.

Good job in crafting the world we live in today Walker, your poem spells it out.

[dizzydoll]

the Chinese word for ‘Birds of Fire’
a phoenix rising from the flame

by the way Walker, a little useless information [or useful perhaps]... the name for 'Chinese words' is called "Handscroll", I dont know how this will fit instead of Chinese word, it might affect the rhythm unless you tinker with it.

[hillwalker]

Thank you everyone for your positive responses - I'll admit I was uncertain about the kind of reaction such an explicit might attract.

@Hawkman - your kind words are very welcome.
@Prince - I could not agree more - I often feel I should be apologising on behalf of my gender
@Morpheus - glad you appreciated the style of the piece - I was trying to capture the 'voice' and emulate the expressions a young, contemporary girl might use
@lallison - a detailed response and much appreciated.
Yes - I am trying to make a statement, but not about sex in general.
BUT - in a recent survey carried out amongst a group of women in London 80% were of the opinion that most victims of date rape only have themselves to blame because of the way they dress and behave.....
I felt so angry about this - that these women were content to send out such a dangerous message.
Any young girl seeing that, then subjected to rape, would think twice about reporting it and undoubtedly hold herself responsible (as the victim in this poem does) - and any potential date rapist is given a green light to go ahead and offend.
So I was driven to write this - to stress that our society demands young girls flaunt themselves and their sexuality in order to appear attractive - and add that they still have the right to say 'no' at any stage of a 'date' or 'relationship' like any other woman.
@dizzy - you've hit the nail on the head in identifying what I was trying to get across.

Thanks all of you for taking the trouble to read this and 'get' the message.....

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I had some afterthoughts about the repeated line:


and guys all know what that’s about

a line that implies that the woman (and indeed all women) are complicit in the act of rape since they know what "the guys all know about that." The common court defense in such a case is based on the assumption that men are biological automata, as reflexive as a bull in the face of a red flag. But even if a woman has entered into an implicit contract - as she does, say, when she enters a department store and buys a kitchen appliance, takes it home, unwraps it, and then decides it is not what she wanted, she has the right to take it back, no questions asked.

[hillwalker]

I had some afterthoughts about the repeated line:


and guys all know what that’s about

a line that implies that the woman (and indeed all women) are complicit in the act of rape.

I hope my 11.29 post makes it very clear that sections of our society do indeed subscribe to that misguided belief - and that my poem was an attempt to show the result of such a Stone-aged attitude.
In my book no woman should ever be made to feel guilt for being raped regardless of the part she has played, and I would shudder if anyone thought I was actually suggesting otherwise.....

H

[ur_shadow89]

I can feel every word, it just pierce my heart. Brilliantly written, Hill!

[blank|verse]

Well, I think you can guess what my comments are going to be by now!

Yes, it's good, but yes, it's too long! Reading it was a bit like listening to a joke to which you know the punchline. I'd understood the point you were making somewhere in the second stanza and each stanza that follows just makes the same point, repeatedly. It is a very moralistic poem - I think you balanced both sides quite well (more so than comments you've made in subsequent posts!) but I think most right-minded people wouldn't find anything to disagree with here, which is why the length is a problem. You could quite easily cut this by two-thirds and not lose any, and probably gain some, impact.

(As a contrast, I think I enjoyed Revolte's recent poem on a similar theme more than this.)

The poetry gets a bit prosey, relying on syntactical and phrasal repetition to keep it together; there's a difference between being deliberately, artfully messy, and just being messy.

(Also, I think you're showing your age with the reference to a 'shift', which these days is a dress, so a woman wouldn't wear one and a micro-skirt. And shift dresses look quite respectable. I think you mean something like a translucent blouse/shirt/top. You might still be able to buy shifts in Marks&Sparks but I don't think the 'modern' woman narrator in your poem would shop there or have one.)

But still, there's a potent physicality and realism to this, on an emotive theme.

[hillwalker]

Well BV - yes, of course I knew you would object to the length and repetition, but it was done intentionally to create a slow, step-by-step build-up (similar to the time and lengths these young girls go to to prepare for a night on the town).

My post-crit comments, particularly my second one to Prince, were made to emphasize how strongly I felt on the issue of women being held responsible by members of their own sex for date-rape. And to deny any suggestion from the poem that I share the same opinion. Perhaps I pressed on that pedal a wee bit heavily.....

But as for your comments regarding my use of the word 'shift' - after writing the first draft of the poem I asked a 24-yr old female friend (a fellow writer) to read it over and weed out any inappropriate terminology. She spotted a few embarrasing faux pas that I won't go into (I'm male and in my 50's so you get the message, I'm sure) - and she suggested I replace the word 'top' with 'shift', so.......

But once again, many thanks for taking the trouble to read and analyse so adeptly. I would rather read your constructive criticism than a bland 'very nice' any day.

And

@urshadow - well, my intention was to provoke some kind of response. Thank you.

H

[dizzydoll]

I was just thinking... I would like this poem named as: The Fallout

Also it would be good to get it published in one of the rags that everyone reads... for its shock value, if there is any of that left these days.

[Il Dante]

I agree with B/V that the poem could be condensed, since most here agree with the thesis and after a few stanzas you get the idea.

[hillwalker]

@ Thanks dizzy - not sure about the title...... puts me in mind of that volcano again.
But thanks for thinking about this poem again at least. And, yes it might raise an eyebrow or two in the pages of 'OK' or 'Hello' - if those rags actually accept unsollicited poetry...lol

@ IlDante - thanks for your response. Perhaps I should have a rethink and do a bit of trimming. Ruthless editing is one of those things that I'm going to put off for the time being - then perhaps approach with a freshly sharpened pair of scissors sometime in the future.

H

[MorpheusSandman]

Well, this is almost becoming rote by now, but I think I'm going to have to completely disagree with B/V about the length. I think getting what it's about early on isn't tantamount to the willingness to go along for the ride. And I definitely see how you meticulously take us through all the steps and slowly build up to the climax. And I do think there's a pretty radical shift in the tonal expression towards the end that makes the build-up worth it.

[Hawkman]

Hi Hill, I'm with Morpheus. I do not find the length a problem. The poem rattles along and draws the reader into the narrative. It's essentially a story and I find that as each stanza unfolds it reveals the stages of the drama and leads us to the conclusion admirably. This poem can't really be improved. If you were to do it differently it would be a different poem. I'm sure that you could, but why bother. This is brilliant as it is. H

[hillwalker]

Thanks Morpheus and Hawk - my instincts were to leave it exactly as it is..... for the reasons you allude to. You have made that decision even easier for me. Thank you both.

H

[kittypaws]

I liked it and found it absorbing and very well depicting the story of those who fall to rape-date. I did not find it too long as that was the makeup that built up its strength and brought on the wave.

[hillwalker]

Thanks for your respose kittypaws - like your 'tyger, tyger, burning bright' avatar by the way