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View Full Version : Some parts of Destiny are Fated to be



dizzydoll
05-03-2010, 02:07 PM
The screen door squeaked as David stepped in from the rain, reminding me it needed oiling again with Q20. I heard him speaking affectionately to Skelem the cat, who was becoming more like a small dog in size these days. I glanced back to the book in disappointment.

“I’m so tired of listening to the same guff over and over again. Every week the same s*it comes out of his mouth. Then I say ‘you told me that last week dad’ and he says ‘oh’ and then he comes up with something else he’s already told me.” David moaned as he glared at me, “JeeZZ, I hope to God I am not gonna be like that when I am old. Crickey, forgive me my darling I should’ve said hello first.”

“Well what’s new? The same thing happens every week.” I chuckle as he pecked me on the cheek. “Besides you are old. Young people don’t complain so much.” I pat him on the b-hind as he strolls off, it’s a nice one for his age.

“Give me a break, don’t you start! What you reading?”

“Not worth discussing, its going back to the library. If authors feel the need, these days, to write about vomit, snot, pissing all over the show… I pass, its B rated. So how is dad?” I said as I allowed the book purposefully to slip from my lap onto the rug.

“Not worth discussing. Joking, joking… don’t look at me like that!! He‘s well as usual, he and George are learning how to play yet another video game, its ridiculous at their age. Really.”

“I dunno, me thinks its pretty neat.” I said considering what would keep us occupied when we got to dads age.

As I left the room to reload the washing machine I glanced back to David. I was such a lucky girl to have such a solid, dependable man in my life. If I had to compare him to an animal, I thought, it would have to be a buffalo. I felt safe all the time, comfortable in knowing I could trust him with our lives. Smiling I think back to how it all began, who would've ever thought?

“Just goes to show,” I ponder aloud “some parts of destiny are fated to be.”

hillwalker
05-03-2010, 02:33 PM
It took a couple of readings to figure out what was happening - who was who - and who was actually speaking during the first couple of exchanges.....

But you establish the situation quite quickly, which is good. I can already picture the husband and wife (?) in my mind's eye - their relative ages, interests, a little personal history.

Perhaps it needs a little intrigue or mystery to attract readers who have a short attention span when it comes to deciding whether or not they want to press on with reading a new story. Beginnings are very important - in short stories even more so than in novels.

How you do that is up to you - you know what is still to come. Perhaps an exotic location, perhaps a little turbulence in the relationship. Drop a hint at the start that there is excitement or heartache to come.....

But definitely a good effort so far. I'm prepared to read more when you decide to post.....

H

Hawkman
05-03-2010, 02:36 PM
Hi diz,

I like this with the proviso that I really think you need to clarrify who's who in the scene and who is saying what. You have left the reader wanting more, so I hope you provide it!

best, H

dizzydoll
05-03-2010, 02:55 PM
Thanks guys, I think its fixed now. What more? Theres no more, thats it. Its a short story, leaving the rest up to your imagination. lol.